I am a survivor. Of abuse as a child, emotional and mental and occasionally physical abuse as an adult. Of self-sabotage. Of self-hatred. Of anger and rage. Of addiction. Of taking my rage out on others. Of perfectionism.
I wish that were enough. To survive. To struggle until something changes. But it's not enough for me. I want to thrive. I want vibrancy and resilience and happiness. I want to learn to trust again. To love. To believe in the good of others.
Some of this is happening. I have some intimate friends that I can trust and love and who love me in spite of the fact that they KNOW me. Because the friends who love me BECAUSE they know me, they don't KNOW me.
If you look into my soul, there's blackness and deep seated anger and pain. Indescribable pain. Pain of living in a family system that is toxic and sick. I have read a book before called "Shame on You" and the family dynamic in it, is similar to mine. There is a black sheep and it is the responsibility of the black sheep to carry the dysfunction of the family. He/she is labeled the toxic one. The crazy one. The one who fractures the family.
But the reality is that the family couldn't have a black sheep unless it is already fractured, broken, dysfunctional in nature.
As I sit here typing this my stomach ties in knots. Not only is it uncomfortable to sit in this pain, but talking/typing about it, could very easily result in more pain. More resentment toward me, the one who constantly breaks apart the family. Recently I have been repairing a relationship with my sister. And it has been pointed out to me that I'm the one who consistently stirs the shit pot. And I'm certain there's an element of truth to that. For one thing, to effectively drive a person crazy or to gas light effectively, there needs to be a subtlety to any and all accusations, the lie must be buried in a fair amount of truth and/or facts. It's not a secret to me that I can be manipulative and twist reality to match my needs. What is generally a secret to me is when I am doing it, and when I am aware I am doing it, how to stop. There are some specific behaviors that happen when I'm called out for bad behaviors, and even though I know they are part of the fight, flight, freeze response for me, I cannot seem to think my way through them to a different response. Which leads to sabotage. Sabotage of relationships, jobs, family, networks.
Of course, the more I know about the brain and trauma, the more I know that there is no thinking when I am in the survival part of the my brain. As I sit here stewing in this, and yes, it is stinky to sit in, answers and solutions come to me "out of the blue." What do I do with kids? Practice. Practice appropriate responses when they are not in survival. Practice so it becomes second nature. *light bulb*
Okay, so as I sat here, in misery, not avoiding that ideas that 1) I live with a heavy responsibility to keep my family's focus off of their own dysfunction, and that 2) I do this very well, and as an adult, only I am responsible for my actions and for real change in my life; I have had a light bulb moment. It could very easily be a small light, a 4-watt-nightlight-bulb kind of light, but it feels big right now. It feels like stadium lights came on at the football game. It's time to process this and most importantly, practice. Practice new, calm, rational behaviors when I am not in crisis.
