Fri-Yay!

 Today is Friday and the first day of Spring Break for me. That is part of the joy of being a substitute, I control my hours. My district has school today and LOTS of postings for subs, but I'm going out of town today to spend the weekend with recovery friends. But that's another post! I'm going to use an old favorite from the beginning days of teaching. Five for Friday. Five things about my week. Here we go.... 

1. Hatching chicks. We've been dry hatching for awhile now and its the same chaotic results as trying to control humidity! My hatch before this one I had 11 out of 17 hatch, that's a pretty good hatch. We lost one, but still have 10. This hatch, I had 3 hatch. Out of 21. And to be honest, really only 2 hatched. I helped the third one. And we could still lose that one. It is not strong and doesn't walk well, it's small too. I take it to the waterer a couple times a day and dunk it's head in the water so it can drink. The other 2 are doing great. When I first starting incubating I had really high hatch rates and I thought I was a genius becasue they say that a 50% hatch rate is a good hatch. Now I've had terrible results and not so terrible results but I do longer get 15 out of 18 or other really high rates. Research could possibly help me. But so far I've read so many wildly different reasons as to what's wrong that I cannot possibly figure it out. But this was the start to the week.

2. Subbing in Kinder. Tuesday was my Monday for subbing. I subbed in Kindergarten, some of my favorite people. It's an unruly and wild class. Lil violence, lil bit of lots of talking, lots and lots of minding each other's business. Wow. But after I'm done, I see them in the halls, they all love me and give me hugs. Young people are loving and forgiving. I love that. 

3. March 10, 2020. My Dad's death date. Rough day. Not in such an obvious way. At first, I didn't remember. I kept wondering why my brain was so befuddled. Why I was clumsy and awkward. Why my world was a little bit off. Then I remembered. We group text about it, my Mom, my sister and I. And I wrote about it. Cathartic.

4. Mom's birthday. Yesterday was Mom's birthday. We won't be all together to celebrate until next weekend. That is a little maddening. But it is what it is. She deserves to be celebrated. 

5. Anticipating the weekend! I'm spending this weekend at a recovery sleepover. It's a little less structured than some and just a time to fellowship, recharge, and get to know people. I think I'll pack some craft supplies to share with the group. 

That is my week! Of course, so much more happened but this is the short list! I hope you had a week full of things to remember and reflect on! 

Mom's Birthday

 Today is my mother's birthday. I was subbing today, so we (the class I was in and I) called and left Mom a happy birthday message. It was fun. We will celebrate her next Friday evening. And dang.... that's a long ways away still. But schedules be busy. 

Once upon a time ago, when I was a teenager, I ran away from home on my Mom's birthday. I didn't really run away so much as I just didn't go home. But I was young, maybe 15, and doing all the teenage angst/rebellion stuff, messing with the wrong crowd, and the chemicals that go with it. My thinking just wasn't that clear. But that is a lousy pile of excuses. Because guess what? The guilt doesn't go away. I've asked forgiveness and it's been given. I've talked to God and I'm pretty sure He said to move on already. But the guilt is still there. I still hang my head in shame. 

Today I think of my Mom, on her birthday, all alone at home. The 10th of March was the anniversary of my Dad's passing. Just two days before Mom's birthday. Mom's birthday will never be the same. And today, Mom has a boyfriend, but he's not dad. We all know that. Us kids know it. My mom knows it. Warren (the bf) knows it. Dad (in the heavenly realms) knows it. What I was going for when I started this paragraph was that in some ways, it's more lonely now. There's a lonley quality to Mom's birthday because my Dad, for all the ways and days that he fell short, was the love of her life. And in some ways, it doesn't matter how we fill the day and celebrate her and who might be involved. The loneliness is alive and well. 

It's important for us to celebrate mom. Even if it takes until next Friday to make all our schedules collide in a positive way. She's turning 83 and deserves all the love. There's so many times I haven't honored her, and it's time. 

Happy Birthday to my mother. Mom, I love you. 

Today's wins....

 Some wins today... 

Today I subbed in my favorite school building. I go between 5 elementary schools substitute teaching. I have a lot of respect for the principal here. Actually, this year, both the principals, the assistant principal is amazing too. And the truth, if we are truth telling here, is that the secretary says a lot about the building... the welcome to the students, parents and public; building morale.... the building secretary at this school is the bomb! She is amazingly kind, and sweet and knowledgeable. 

So anyway... today I was at my favorite building and I walk in (a couple minutes late... IYKYK) to find out that the class I was in had PE first thing in the morning! *win* 

That little break early in the day gave me the opportunity to really study the plans and figure things out, get myself organized for the day. *win*

This class went to lunch pretty early. 10:45. So I headed up to the teacher's lounge to heat up my lunch. I walked in and.... whoa! No need for a lunch! The PTO for this building also rocks! And PTO provided lunch for the staff today to show them they are appreciated! *win*

The last hour of the day.... ART! You know, some schools don't have ART, and some schools in this district, only have 40 minutes. So an hour of art was a win for the school, the students and the teachers. And for me, the sub, it was a definite *win*. 

Before the end of the day, Ms. Karrah, the amazing secretary, who has a child in the school and is a part of the PTO I was talking about earlier, provided me with school shirts! I sub here a lot. So I decided it would be a worthwhile investment to snag a couple shirts from the PTO. When I received them, they were gifted to me! I didn't have to pay for them! How cool is that?! *win*

These were a few wins today. I seriously doubt these were all the wins because the truth is, we find what we look for. If I looked, I know I'd find more. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm super glad for days like today when there are an abundance of little wins to reflect on and enjoy. 

Dad

 Everyday I face two different dilemmas. One is that I have so many things I could possibly blog about that its overwhelming, daunting, intimidating. The other... blogging desert. No blogs in my mind, no mundane to exchange into something extraordinary.

Today falls more into the overwhelm, too many ideas category. But the elephant in the room tonight is that this is my Dad's death day. Six years ago today my dad passed away. I don't know how to write about it. As I sit here, my grief grows bigger and I feel like I might cry. I miss his laugh, his voice, listening to him sing, and talk. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. And just sitting together and not talking. 

I miss how he'd call me and say, "It's your Pop-po!" Or "Hello Carrie Lynnerskinner..." or "Hello Sunshine..."

I miss the way he smelled. The way he talked. The way he prayed. One of my kids said that one of her favorite memories was his prayer. His mealtime prayer was always the same. Unless it wasn't.  I mean, at Christmas time, or Easter, or anytime that there was a large gathering, there was a long prayer of thanksgiving. But daily meals, it was just deeply ingrained in him. 

I think about how he sang to us as kids. We'd beg to get rocked. And he sang to my older girls. Then when I had more girls, he sang to my younger girls. And my grandson. 

I haven't reconciled myself to some things he believed in and counted as part of his Christian faith. Because they aren't part of my Christian faith and I feel angry and sad when I think of the things he believed that weren't true. 

I miss my Dad. He was such a huge part of who I am.

Dad's last day at home. 

Random tidbits of the day

 Just a few thoughts tonight. I'm not adjusting to the time change. It's so difficult for me. I'm wide awake right now. But I have to be up in a few short hours so I should probably go to bed. 

I got the silkie babies moved to their brooder pen and out of the incubator. It wasn't a great hatch. I think we are going to have 3. Its a little early to say. I had two hatch and then the very first one to pip (and then zip) never progressed. I could see him still breathing in there, so I opened up the shell. At first he was so bent up that I thought maybe it was too late, that he'd been bent over like that for too long. But an hour later, he was holding his head up. Another hour, he was upright or at least upright-ish. He seems to be making good progress. But the truth is, the prognosis is not good for chicks that cannot get out of the egg on their own. Time will tell. 

The baby kitties are getting cuter and sweeter every day. There is one that purrs every time I hold him. a little while ago I went out and was holding him and he was purring and sucking on his tongue. It was really cute and sweet. And he was smiling. No wonder I love kittens. 

Yesterday my daughter and I moved some birds around. Well we brought some birds back inside. Yes, we are one of those weird house holds that has a backroom full of animals. Baby chicks. Almost grown chicks. And Pumpkin, our pergatory cat. Pumpkin was an outdoor kitty. Then he decided he liked it best at the neighbors house. Then one day the neighbor knocks on my door with Pumpkin in hand. She said he was beating up on her cats and she doesn't want him over there. So that is a little bit of dilemma because if he's allowed to roam outside, he'll head right back over there. Also, he decided not to get along with our other outdoor cats, including Sapphire, our momma cat that was his main squeeze for a long time. We have too many indoor cats, but to beat the band, Pumpkin doesn't get along with the indoor cats either. So he can't live indoors, and he can't live outdoors. He's stuck in pergatory, otherwise known as "the back room."

We were in an egg desert for awhile this winter. But now everyone is loving the longer hours of daylight. And they have all come through molt. And we're finally getting eggs. Currently we have 6 dozen eggs that need a new countertop to hang out on. 

Today was supposed to be the day. The day the veggies got planted. But the day is over. The seeds are still in the packets, the potatoes are still in the sacks they came home in. 

I'm tired. And there's more to do tomorrow than time in the day. But I get to teach Kinder tomorrow. My favorite grade. At my favorite school to work at, with kids I have a relationship with. And I'm pretty sure the weather is supposed to be Spring-like as well. 

Sleep well tonight world. Trust the process. There is a process. I am trying to trust it. I wish the same for you.

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Just another day in paradise

 Today was just another day in the life of a hobby farmer. I guess we have a hobby farm. Maybe it's less than that even. But we are sure it is a farm. The birds and goats and cats and dogs. All the critters. Not actually. Not yet. But girls can dream.

Today we had some mundane "work" to do. Moving birds around according to keepers or goners. And our silkie flock is getting smaller and the grow out pen is getting to be quite a flock. So we had to flip the space. 

A friend messaged me about hens. Well, I have some in my grow out pen. So we also spent time looking over our birds that weren't really chicks anymore but they weren't full grown either. They haven't told us yet if they're hens or roos. But the other day I noticed that they are getting close to telling us. The roos are starting to get a comb, but the hens not-so-much yet. So that's a clue. And then the neck feathers are showing up male or female. Roos have more pointy neck feathers and the hens are more rounded. So there's clue number two. And so far we didn't see saddle feathers on our roos. But that will be the next clue. I'm pretty confident that we've found hens for my neighbor. If not, they are just a mile up the road, so we'll get it fixed. 

But then a little bit of excitement happened. I saw our cat was messing around in the grass, maybe a hole in the ground? Then Jadyn calls out to me... "Domino caught a mouse! Or is it a rabbit? What sound do bunnies make?" I said, "they scream." "Maybe its a bunny then." I am trying to figure it out. I'm inside the goat pen, and Domino is not. But it kind of looks like his captive has four legs. And although mice have four legs, you can't usually see them from any kind of distance. Just then, the tom who has adopted us (and apparently us him as well since my daughter named him), James, comes after Domino. Domino is a fixed, small cat; James is neither of those things. Domino panics and drops his prey. So I scramble out of the goat pen to try to find this little critter. Me and a whole bunch of other farm cats. I found him because a crowd had started to gather of at least three cats, not yet pouncing or playing, just gathering with an abundance of curiosity. I snatched up that baby bunny. He was so tiny. So atleast for tonight we are bunny rescuers. I will call the zoo in the morning and see if they can rehab him. I've done a little bit of reading tonight. He had some goat milk and by some articles it was adequate, and some articles say it is not enough. But rabbits are not like cats. They don't need to eat every couple hours. Thank God. Wild rabbit babies only eat once or twice a day. That's it. Goat's milk is hella versatile. We were so grateful last summer when we had kittens and we got the dairy goat. Becasue KMR is expensive! Ironically enough, that's what is recommended for the bunny too. Kitten Replacement Milk or goat milk. So I thawed some goat milk out and coaxed the baby to drink. There was one moment when my hand slipped an squeezed a little more than I meant to and there's always a chance I got that baby too much liquid and he aspirated. But I'm praying not. We worried about him being warm enough. But from what I read, it's more worrisome to get them overheated. So while it's cooler in the backroom, I don't want him to overheat. What I fixed up for him is one of our brooder cages for chicks with the not-as-hot bulb in the heat lamp. And it said to put them somewhere dark. With the heat lamp plugged in, there's an abundance of light and my makeshift burrow (a small trashcan) still was pretty lit. So I also covered that with cardboard to make the inside more night-like. I'll have to check it in a minute to make sure that bulb is far enough away from the cardboard. Anyway.... that was exciting, exhilirating, exhausting. That was my day. 

    

Bunny's current habitat

 

Brain Mush...

What slice of my life do I want to share with you all tonight? There's a thunderstorm in my brain tonight. A lot of the time when my brain gets cloudy and foggy, I blame the menopause. But tonight is more. The pause of Meno might play a part, but those clouds don't usually throw lightning and rattle off thunder. My mind and heart are connected. My thoughts are muddled in the middle of my heart. If that makes sense. And honestly tonight, if it doesn't make sense, that might be perfect.

I didn't want to write about this. Emotion and feelings. But they have flared up, like the flare of a disorder or disease. And are affecting my ability to think clearly. I'm determined to post something tonight. I missed the first two days of the month. I don't want to miss any more. 

It started in the car. My kiddo and I were talking and then the feelings start getting hurt and words get said. And then I get up in my head. Next I have to overthink for awhile. Then comes the beating up of self. And sadness. In roll the clouds. Fog. Thick and dense and damp. And my thoughts are mush. I'm in the kitchen crying I can't remember why I'm crying. I remember the feeling I was experiencing, but not the thoughts. No clear, concise description of events is lying around. 

So here I sit, determined to write, pound the keys, and to post. But the clarity. it's lacking. So today is drawing to a close. It's midnight here. I guess I should sleep. In spite of my disappointing blog post.