Transformation from ultra-conservative to leftist liberal

 How does this even happen? Someone being very conservative transforming over time to someone with a bleeding heart? One of those crazy ass, bleeding heart liberals? This has really been on my mind lately. You know, some of the people that I count among my friends, who knew me way back when, knew me as the person who used words like "snowflakes," and"libtards." I tried to figure out what other words I might have used "back then" but my memory fails and using the internet to find terms was like reading gibberish. I couldn't even figure out what some of the insults directed at liberals were saying or what the meaning was. Ironically some of the current descriptives I count as compliments when I hear them. Like... bleeding heart liberal. or my favorite: Woke. I might have to order that t-shirt that says "Woke: its not the insult you think it is." 

One of the things I've been pondering lately is that I've always been a "bleeding heart." Some of my causes that are near and dear to my heart and have been for as long as I can remember, are issues and causes that are generally liberal causes. Women and children first of all. In some ways I've always been a feminist. Though there were years when I was far from it. But I've never really bought into gender roles. And my dad wasn't really one to promote them either. In some ways, Mom and Dad's marriage was oh-so-traditional. But in regard to some of those roles, my Mom is the one who ram-rodded those roles. My dad was super independent. He could cook. He could clean. He could do his laundry. He wasn't afraid to do dishes. But it wasn't really allowed in our home. Mom did those things. If he did do them, she micro-managed him and it had to be really discouraging. Another way that dad didn't really buy into gender roles was in regard to the way he allowed me to be the tomboy/Daddy's girl that I was. My favorite thing was to be wherever Dad was. If he was cutting wood, I wanted to be there. If he was hunting, I was there. Building race car? Yes, please, let me tag along. Building demo derby cars, I was there. Fishing? Take me! Farming? Let me ride along. There wasn't really a line of what girls or boys did. Having said that, though, my dad also made sure that I (and the other women he mentored or took under his wing) had plenty of support. He taught me how to hunt, but I've never field-dressed a deer. I never had to. He taught me how to fish, but guess who had to get the hook out when they swallowed it? Dad taught me about racing, but I've never had to change a tire. or changed my oil. Know what else? I never loaded a shotgun shell or a rifle shell. But dad did. He made many reloads. I also didn't have to pay for ammo. And to be honest, a few weeks ago when I had to get ammo for my .380, it was the first time I'd bought shells for it. Just a few ways my daddy took care of me. And as much as I appreciate it, I wish I'd learned to do some of this stuff earlier. Because guess what? Dad's not here to do it now. And there's no one else. I probably wouldn't appreciate someone else's efforts anyway. Because I'm like a toddler... "I want to do it myself!"

There's both a freedom and a fear involved with following what is in my heart, culturally and politically. Fear that my family will reject me, judge me, and deem as one headed straight for hell. It's funny that I still worry and squirm about that. I don't think the dreaded and mysterious "they" are right. So why does it influence me? My its self-doubt. Can I really trust my gut and instincts to make the decisions that are best for me? 

I've been reading the bible through with a small, very small, group of friends. We don't have a study guide or devotional or reference books. We just read, and respond. What are our thoughts? What is God saying to us? What questions does the passage leave me with? I like it because it's not mucked up and mired down with opinion and rhetoric. I fell like I'm learning a lot. One of the things I'm learning is that I am not so very wrong. The gospel talks a LOT about the poor, the immigrant, the widow, the orphan, the underdogs, the dregs. And guess what? It doesn't say throw them in jail just for being poor or being immigrants, or any of those other groups of demigraphics that Middle and Upper class Americans find so deplorable. And actually, the indoctrination runs deep. I see other poor people harshly judging their fellow citizens in poverty. Why? Don't we have other things to worry about? Where do passages like  The Lord's Prayer fit? Let me throw a little of this at y'all: 

 "Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
    but deliver us from the evil one."

This is from the NIV, Matthew 6, verses 9-13. 

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. I owe a lot of debts. I mistreated my children. I have a very oppositional child. One who baffles me to this day. But one reason we come to be at odds has to do with that we are BOTH oppositional. And the words spoken, I might agree to from someone else, but if she says them, I will say the opposite. Yuck. I hate it that there is an ounce of truth there. But I owe her. One of the things she is stubborn about... growing an honest relationship with me. And she will not give up or give in. No matter how hard I dig my toes in. I am so, so grateful for this and I'm grateful to God for her. She shows me regularly what my shortcomings are (and I am seldom grateful for this as it is happening... it feels wretched), and I then have the opportunity to come before God and ask him to forgive this fiesty, oppositional part of me. Then I have the opportunity to go to said child and ask her to forgive me. And she does. So what business do I have judging her for the very same behaviors?! Wouldn't it be so much better if I sought to understand her? If I practiced empathy? If I forgave her as she forgave me? Because what is she (and God) decided to treat me the way I treat others (her in particular)? Ouch. I would be doomed. It's in my best interest to adopt compassion. I guess that means that I am still self-centered. If I'm being honest. But if I can get to that place of honesty, I can handle that level of self-centeredness that treats other people better because I want God to treat me with love and compassion. and forgiveness. 

I can apply that anywhere. How do I like it when I am at the grocery store and have to put things back because I don't have enough money? How does it feel? There's a lot of shame that goes with that. Even on the days that the cashier and/or other shoppers don't project shaming behaviors and attitudes onto me. It's okay, I got it covered. 

I look back in Matthew to chapter 7. Verses 1 and 2 say this:

 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Well, I'm not sure I can even expand on that. Isn't that a complete thought? My bleeding heart cries about this very thing in regard to how immigrants are treated in America, how harshly divorcees are judged (especially within the church!), how we regard the poor or less fortunate, how we make distinctions in intelligence and qualify people by the color of their skin! I can go on. But the more read, the more I think I'm on the right soapbox. It's not about "every man for him/her self". I don't find that to be a teaching of christ. I feel that is where the Republican party has landed. And blindly so. But that is fodder for another post. 

So frustrated!!

 Currently I'm outraged at the state of our union and lack of SNAP and EBT funds for the month of November. One of my friends posted a right-wing story to "think about." I see (in a way) where she was coming from. Her welfare recipient "example" was someone who'd been on welfare and food stamps for many years (17 I think). The over-simplified gist of the article was "When is enough, enough?" Right?! I am not vehemently opposed to the sentiment. But the idea of cutting people off swiftly and suddenly doesn't sit right with me. 

A person who's been on food stamps and cash benefits for 17 years and has now raised children in this cyclical pattern, is going to fail miserably when they find themselves suddenly without. Many of us, I'd even venture to say most of us, learned how to fit into a working environment with loving support from home, or bosses, or teachers or all of the above. Someone pointed out how to fill out applications, how to dress to return them, what level of work ethic is expected when a person has a job. Maybe someone even coached them and cheered for them and lovingly corrected them. People who have never held a job, do not know how to obtain and hold a job. If, by the grace of god, they obtain a job, they don't know how to hold it. They've lived with ailments of all kinds during this unemployed time (all their adult life), and don't know how to power through when illness comes to call. They've been unemployed, their bodies are not used to standing for hours on end and they may not be able to do it. 

There is a whole gammit of things that work against this sudden cutoff as being an effective "wake up call" to all those lazy people getting benefits. First of all, most people on benefits also work at a job. For one thing, no one can live off $700 a month. Secondly, yes, there is a poverty mindset. It affects those in poverty and the entire society around them. I just got into a comment war with someone who wants people to work and not be on food stamps, but wants them punished when they apply their intelligence and creativity to use the resources that the government supplied to start a business and try to pull themselves out of poverty. We cannot punish people for trying to get out of poverty if we want to cease giving them benefits. And the bottom line for this argument that I could find (aside from just trying to goad me on and on) was that there's not only a lot of misunderstanding of how the system works (we'll says works for the sake of this argument. We all know the system isn't working), but there's no understanding of a need for a plan to get us out of this mess. Another piece to the whole, "just let them go without, they will figure it out" is that the country didn't get into this fine mess in a month or a day, and we're not getting out either, but if we could minimize the food scarcity that would be cool.  Third, the job market is not as rich as it looks. Last fall my kid moved out here (Kansas) from Missouri, weilding a good work record and good references. She applied and applied and applied. And applied. And after she applied for some more jobs, she scored some interviews. Interviews that seemed to go well. but yielded no job. I have heard of this multiple times, not just in my own situation. Jobs are simply not that easy to come by. Because for every one of you, there are 10-20 more desperate, hungry for work people just trying to get a job. Let's face it, acquiring a job more often than not is dependent on who you know rather than what you know. This is called networking, more specifically social networking. A program called Circles is invested in this.... building a social network for this in poverty so they can have a fighting chance at digging out. 

So the sum of my frustration is larger than the government shutdown. It goes something like this: I find it wrong to criminalize the poor because they are poor and lack skills that you were lovingly bestowed; I find the breakdown in our system to be far reaching. It's not just that welfare needs an overhaul, but also that term limits need to be applied to those who supposedly serve us, as I don't see them serving us much currently. Minimum wage needs an overhaul. At least in Kansas it does. It is still: $7.25/hour. It has been this since 2010 according to the internet. I thought it had been that for longer. Does it just feel like forever?! 

We need to stop pushing people into situations that they can't get out of and then criminalize them for it. Stop it America. Do better. 

Life on the Hippie Chick Farm, the ever-changing saga

 Random thoughts from the Hippie Chick Farm. Life out here is pretty great. Sometimes I forget. Yesterday I was reminded that this little slice of paradise is just what I prayed for. When I have to acknowledge the reality of the condition of our "yard" I feel sad and ashamed, like maybe I'm not really grateful for this place since I'm not maintaining it like I think it should be maintained. Strike one is my health, but strike two is the fact that we need to replace the battery on the riding mower. Since we haven't been able to do that, we've relied on the help of others to beat back the weeds and crazy grasses on we call our lawn. Another reason to solicit the help of people who are virtually stangers is the ole knees. How could I forget about my health?! Having surgery is a major slow-me-down. I have not bounced back as quickly as I did with my previous knee replacements. And apparently, that is to be expected. I haven't healed like I thought I would. It's slow going. And I've lost some mobility. There's this cycle my knee tends to go through, stiffness, swelling, work it more, get's better, keep working it, stiffness, swelling... back off a bit. Well I hit the back off a bit, and it never really seemed to get through that stiffness, soreness phase and I just didn't jump back in soon enough. At this point, I have lost the ability to straighten my leg completely. My knee wants to stay bent a little. And walking... it's slow and I look crippled. I start out very slow and bent over, and as it loosens up I get more human-looking and walking. And I try to walk through the pain and practice walking the way I "should" and not just how my brain says I should walk when I'm tired or in pain. Because that seems to be a majority of the time lately. I tell myself... "I just got a little bit off track with my stretches and PT exercises... it'll all even out yet." But I don't know that. I've been off-track for long enough that I have a lot of apprehension about gaining back my mobility. So that was a side venture into anything but gratitude. Fear. I have fear about the condition of my knee. It's also a prayer request. If you are the praying sort, please pray about my joint health in me knee (knees). 

I'm grateful today for baby chicks. I had myself convinced that my incubators had crapped out. And one of them I just bought last Spring. That would have been a real bummer. But I just had a successful hatch. Still about a 50% hatch rate, which is average, so not something to take too seriously, except for awhile I was having a LOT higher hatch rate, like 85-90%! So in being honest here, I can easily get off track and fret about why I don't have a higher rate. But I don't right now. So I'll just remember to be grateful after two settings of the incubators to which none hatched, I'll choose to be grateful that we're hatching now. Baby chicks are inspiring and I'm excited about moving them out of the incubator later today. Holding their tiny little fluffy selves is just what a person needs to feel good about the state of our world today. And goodness knows, I can use reasons to feel good about this. 

11 baby chicks arrived over the last couple days

Goats. Have I mentioned that we've actually been milking our goat? The goat we bought in July was in milk and we planned to start milking her. But we were not really sure how all this milking was going to work out and, well, we are good a procrastination. However, we had baby kitties with no momma. And I started bottle feeding them with Kitten Milk Replacer formula (KMR). Which is not cheap. I read that kittens could have goat's milk instead of the KMR, because goat's milk is lactose free. Translation: time to postpone the postponing and get busy learning to milk a goat. So we learned. And the kittens drank goat milk. And they grew up and became kitties! Ha! They are not yet grown, but they are weaned and growing like weeds. They are totally adorable. I still have three of these cutie kitties looking for homes. Flame, Gypsie and Venus are looking for furrever homes. They are super sweet, and purr like crazy when held. These are all females. 

This is Parsley. Our milking goat.

Gypsie

    

Flame

Venus

Speaking of kittens. We have more. And they are fluffing up nicely. They are fat. And they are fluffy. And they are so, so cute! They'll be ready for adoption soon. About three weeks or so. Which will go by in the blink of an eye! I haven't named any of them yet. And I'm very glad they have a mom. 

Momma cat: Silver. Babies are not named yet

I've been struggling. Of course, mentally. But also, financially. These two things are intertwined actually. When I am financially struggling, the mental struggle grows. And when my mental anguish looms large, I have a harder time making financially responsible decisions. Which comes from where I'm talking about.... the start of this downward spiral was perpetuated by financial irresponsibility. I know that. I'm aware. But it isn't the sole reason. Because the truth is that the world of economics is changing, not favorably. We are steadily having an harder time making ends meet, no matter how hard I squeeze. There's not enough there. You know, you can't get blood out of a turnip. Or whatever. Last month I juggled enough stuff that nothing got shut off, that was good. But some things that didn't get paid when they should have, had to get paid when I got paid. Well, long story short.... I was out of money by the 3rd of the month. How crazy is that? Sickening kind of crazy. Well, at least, typing this twists my stomach into knots and makes me feel more than a little bit sick. bleh.

So my focus tends to be on the biggest, brightest-burning fire at the moment. Which is our home owner's insurance. I need to $245 in my account before the premium is drawn on the 22nd. Tonight I have $180. So there's that. If you want to contribute my cashapp is: $carriehippiechick. Once I get past the focus on the current fire, then it's on to the next one. Which I think would be the Evergy bill. Wait. I think it should be overdue. I haven't gotten notices for it. So.... (she pauses and opens her evergy account to see what's going on....) it says the balance due is $0 and the due date was September 12. Oh wow! I am feeling very, very blessed. Like a little (lot) giddy! I just stopped what I was doing to text the kids. We were talking about this very thing tonight. Not because I was talking to them about the bills so much as I was talking about how my skin-on, real-live, lives in my town best friend and I prayed about this just this morning. And whenever I come before the Lord asking for him to rescue me out of the money pit that is my life, I am reminded, with gratitude, that He has taken care of me 100% of the times I have asked Him to. How amazing is that?! I am feeling at this moment how everything in our life is connected. I'm reading the Psalms with a couple friends and several times after I've read it I have the song for that particular Psalm stuck in my head. One of these was from Psalm 8, which starts out... "Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth..." and if you've ever been exposed to any sort of worship singing, you are now singing along. Because these are the lyrics that are floating through my brain now. I can't saying "Thank you!" enough to the God who keeps His promises to me. How many prayers have I prayed that haven't gotten answered? Well, it is more than none. But never has God ever failed to take care of my basic needs.... food, shelter and clothing. I am currently pretty ecstatic. Becuase lets face it, I am such an empath. If I don't feel it, is it even real? But if I feel it, man, that is real life! So joy is running free right now, maybe even rampant. And I am so glad. Because I felt robbed of it just this morning thinking to myself of the heavy burden of the financial obligations I am facing currently. I'm not sure where this paragraph is supposed to end. It has gotten kind of tangled up in the emotion of the moment and that's okay. I write like I live and there's a lot going on at this moment. I confessed to the kids today that our trash service was likely getting suspended this next week. But another miracle happened. Someone is paying the $80 payment to bring us current again! So another "excuse" to say how good God is! Isn't God good? all. the. time.

When you have a lot of pets, you run the risk of flea infestation. Ugh. We've been sooooo lucky the last couple summers. But we didn't make it unscathed this year. Last year, we put cheap treatments on the dogs and they worked! And it saved our hides since we didn't have the fund for the good stuff. This year, we're not so lucky. One dog doesn't seem to have many fleas. And one dog has a ton! Another pup (Little Man) has had flea baths besides the flea treatments. And that seemed to help. But the little girls, Maddie and Alice, are still flea ridden. I'm treating the dogs, and spraying the good stuff (the purple can of Raid) on furniture, their blankets, their beds, in their kennel.... anywhere I can think of. I looked for fleas on Maddie tonight. I was successful in finding them, but I could not catch and/or kill the ones I saw and now I am soooo itchy. I am not sure how much is the power of suggestion and how much is that I angered the little buggers and they jumped away from her and ended up on me. I just remembered that I found a chewable tablet for fleas in the pet-care drawer. I am going to try that next. But lets be honest, we need "the good stuff" for fleas, Frontline or a comparable liquid treatment. But right now, I'll keep doing what I can, and pray for a super natural result. Because, I mean, God can. You can finish that any way you would like.... God can inspire others to help us with this flea situation. God can take my efforts and make it enough. God can drive all the fleas and blood-sucking pests from our home. God can. Whatever I ask, imagine, desire, dare I even say... need. God can do it. Fix it. Eliminate it. Renew it. Re-do it. 

Little Man, one of our small-ish dogs

Alice. She's the alpha of our dogs. Also small-ish

This is Violet. I love her heart shaped nose

Ed Sheeran, aka Eddie

Pluto. I also call him Big Pluto, Big Boy, and other names with the word Big in them. He has to have some Maine Coon in him. He is size large.

For this land, and for these animals and people who live here, I am grateful. This is God's little piece of paradise bestowed upon me, to treat as a gift from Him. Today I'll do my best to... remember this is a gift and enjoy it; remember those who have in the past and are in the present making our life better today... those friends are gifts from God. 

Beggers are sometimes still choosers....

 I chose a lot of the life I have today. But here I am, begging again. (Big Sigh) Did I worry when I got a puppy that I knew would turn into a dog the size of a smallish horse? Mmmm.... a little. And I don't know if this a true or not.... But I felt at the time that the Lord told me that we should get Duke. And he is good for my mental health. I was suicidal at the time that we got him. And you know, that poor pup probably shouldn't have had that responsibility thrust on him, to give me the will to live. But hopefully he never knew. My prayer is that all he knows is that I love on him regularly, give him a treat here and there, and that I sometimes try to boss him around. What he knows is that he can only be bossed around by choice, it's not an accident. He's big and he knows he is big and gets to listen or not listen at will. He's a goofy ole lug. He eats us out of house and home. He eats more than a 30 pound bag of food in a month. He's also waiting on his booster shots. He got his first round of vaccines in May, with a follow up appointment being made for right around the time of my surgery. So I ended up rescheduling. Or did I? I don't actually know the answer to that. I either reschedued and forgot or said I would call back to schedule, and then forgot. If you want to contribute to the way-too-fricking-big-puppy fund, you can order dog food on Amazon. You can also use the cashapp handle listed below to contribute to his vet fund. 

So what happened anyway? Well, summer happened for one thing. When my income on top of my little pittance for disability is dependent on school being in session, summer break is a detriment. So there's that. And the fact that six family birthdays happen in July. Thankfully, I mostly hand make stuff, but even just making sure I have supplies adds up. And let's face it: tariffs. I notice that a lot of the items that I buy at "the Walmarts" has gone up, about $1 per item. And I think to myself.... "oh it's just a dollar..." but those dollars add up and when theres 50 items on your order that went up by a dollar or more, you're spending noticeably more on groceries. If you're not working class, or poverty level income, it may not affect you. You might be able to get away with your snarky little comments about your president's tariffs not being a bad thing, but if you live a life on the edge like I do, the current president's tariffs just put you (me) over the tipping point. Where I was borderline making ends meet.... now I'm not. 

I got last months evergy bill paid so they won't shut us off. But now there's this months bill due, and I'm out of paycheck. Yeah, I spent the bulk of my check "catching up" things I got behind on last month. So I'm out of money to pay for the things that are due this month wihich means that we are facing another month of robbing Peter to pay Paul. And the truth is, we're looking at two more months really because I only worked 2 1/2 hours in the month of August at the "extra" job. So that check will be no more than $40. When I get paid for working in September, on the 15th of October, that is when I anticipate seeing some real change. That is when I can finally (hopefully) make a dent in the debt. But I'm telling you, this is uncomfortable. And I don't know how I used to live here all that time. With all this discomfort. For one thing, I feel like a failure. I am trying to contribute. I'm trying to do the extras needed to make my life more manageable. But I am not succeeding. I feel like so much of a failure for that. Right now we're on the Average payment Plan with evergy. But it's cehaper this month, next month and in November to pay the flat rate. There's a payoff amount to get out of this. But looking at my bill, I think I owe evergy less that $60 on the flat rate plan verses the average payment plan which is $276 right now. I just gotta figure out how to get back on that plan and how I'm going to hustle up the money for that pay off part. That's all. That surely ain't too hard. Right? Except my heart rate is way, way up just from typing that. If you want to help this account in some way, here's some information: evergy.com login: clhorn; 68Carrielynn! or call them at: 800-383-1183; Account:5332467245. I don't believe there's any way you can defraud my account having this information. So I'm just putting it out there for anyone and everyone. What are you gonna do, log in to my evergy account and pay them some money? I'm okay with that. 

Finally, I have two insurance payments coming due that I do not currently have the money to cover. I don't know how to make them accessible. But I'm planning to pay them on my cashapp card (just as soon as I get some money on it). If you want to help with that, here's my cashapp: $carriehippiechick. 

Other ways to contribut include: buying cards from my card company: Hippie Chick Creations at the Hippie Chick Farm. That is the facebook page name. Or ordering tyedie, which also has it's own facebook page: Tiedye For. There are several Tiedye For pages and groups, so look for the one with a profile pic of a heart pattern on a t-shirt that is a golden/orangey colore with a fuchsia outline. I can make you about anything.... okay, I'm not as versatile as some of my friends, but if you don't see exactly what you're looking for on my page, hit me up and I can let you know if it's in my realm of possibilities. Someone recently asked me if I can do a pot leaf, and I said no. It's a lot of turns and twists and I'm just not confident that I can do that. (Maybe someday, right?). Now is the time to order for Christmas, while I can still get outside in the sunshine and there's some warmth to the afternoons yet. 

So... in summary, I know I am ultimately responsible for my debt. Do I believe that there are factors outside of my control that have been and will continue to press in on me and make it more and more difficult? Yes, I do believe this. But God promised to take care of me no matter what. so there's that. And sometimes when God does that, he does it through people. So I'm just putting it all out there. And most of all, pray. Please pray for these things: Healthy humans on the Hippie Chick Farm; Healthy animals on the farm; homes for all these darn kittens; funds to spay all our famale cats; funds for tending to medical needs for animals and for their food needs too. Pray that God would help me to find creative ways to fill the gaps and make the money we need to get through the next few months. I believe God partners prayers with actions. But I might need some direction on what actions to take. So pray those ideas and opportunities might fall into my lap. Pray for mental fortitude. 

I guess that's all for now. So much going on on the Hippie Chick Farm. I'll try to be more faithful to post. But time keeps on ticking and I really better get rolling! Thanks for remembering us before God. It's important. 

My puppy Duke (and yes, he's still a pup, about 6 months old in this picture)

find more cards on facebook

A recently made card. 

Being a Pot Stirrer

 Well, I used to always stir the pot. Angrily. Vocally. With vigor. Then I went through a tempering. And in the midst of the tempering, also a battering, which is actually a longer, separate story, but when you're beat down by a narcissist and end up questioning everything in life and walk gingerly as to not stir the pot, it affects the rest of things. But I backed up. Way, way up. I believed that all I was, was someone who stirred the pot. Who opposed and came out swinging. I didn't believe it was that I was passionate about social reform or personal safety. Emotionally and otherwise. 

Last night I stirred the pot. And about half way through, I thought, what is the real reason for this? I don't want to harm or berate, I don't want to be arrogant. I want to open communication about things and if I disagree with someone, I want to present a different side to things. But halfway through my tirade I realized, I only had half an argument. Because really, if we thought long and hard about the situation, we all wanted the same thing. 

This started with a story of a youth, middle school age, that took a swing at a teacher. Shame on that child. But given the option to press charges, the teacher said, "of course I want to press charges, we need to hold this person accountable and start that paper trail now." 

Okay, that is where my hackles went up. What paper trail? The school to prison pipeline? Come on. This kid, yes kid, couldn't be more than 13ish. Still a middle schooler. What kind of paper trail will help him reform? 

Here is where I start to lose some steam. I don't think paper trails do any good, and I strongly believe that they do harm. But the argument that this kid needs to be presented with consequences to his actions and that boundaries have to happen here are valid and I agree with that argument. What I am not equipped to enlighten anyone about, is what some solutions really ARE. I mean, the key to changed to behavior, is relationship. How do you force a positive relationship onto a child who has already been so turned against authority that they would just take a swing at the teacher? Youth programs? Diversion programs? How do we get there? Do we have to have that initial paper trail? 

So two-thirds through my shit-stirring, I am trying to back up. Because while I disagree that putting a kid on paper at that age is ever going to help them get out the mess they are already living, I also agree that no change will happen if this child isn't held accountable in some way, shape, or form. So in one way or another, we are all on the same side. 

It's not okay with swing at a teacher, and this was actually a substitute teacher. So there's that too. Substitutes don't know all the ins and outs of the daily routines, so they need a little grace. Substitutes don't know all the ins and out of the daily routines, which throws students off, and students maybe need a little grace also. 

What this conversation did was.... open up a lengthy car-ride discussion about kids who "randomly" swing at the authority in their life, and stir up my own defensiveness about being an at-risk kid who raised at-risk kids. I have fuel for many a rant now. But the thing is, I want my words to count today. I don't really want to just be a shit-pot-stirrer extraordinaire. Even if I do have a lot of practice at it. 

God help me to be a voice for the underdog. That a gong-ringer with nothing real to say. 

Monday Morning Coffee

 Thursday morning coffee time with my friend has just been switched to Monday morning coffee. Which is all well and good. At least we have a time to have coffee and pray together. Today we ran out of "pray" time. We agree that God heard us in our laughter, our sorrow and even our belly-aching. And we asked God to bless our words and hearts. But I know it's bigger than that. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I lifted her children and children's children up to God, and I know that when I ask, "please pray for/about this...." that she does. She'll remember me throughout the week to our God and He will honor that. I will remember her and her family at random times this week. Some scheduled times, but more prayer happens in those random moments than any other time. 

One thing I divulged this morning is that I am an Apathetic Annie lately. I just really don't care.  Everything seems too big and too hard and too overwhelming. So I'll just sit in my chair and either play mind numbing games on my phone or sleep through true crime shows on the TV. I want a garden, but I don't want it badly enough to get up out of my chair and plant it. I want a cleaner kitchen.... it got really out of whack, dirty and disorganized and behind on dishes during a cold snap where we had no water for a spell. Do I want it badly enough to do the work? No. In all honesty, there's some legitimate mental health struggles tangled up with this. And some serious overwhelm. But there is also the desire not to do anything. and the struggle is real. 

I had the epiphany this morning that I am sadly lacking in gratitude. Maybe if I renew an attitude of gratitude, Annie will go away. So the first item of gratitude is a real, true, boots on the ground, friend that I can have morning coffee with once a week and pour out my apathetic soul to, and she will pour out her heart to me and we will only share these confessions with God. She has a spouse, I could see her ocasionally sharing with her spouse. I'm told that's what a spousal relationship is like. I was married once. But I wouldn't base any amount of assumptions about marriage on my example. It was sick. and weak. and well, 22+ years after the d-i-v-o-r-c-e, I am still so much happier being single. That ship has sank. Maybe for some people it just sailed.... sailed away into the sunset. But no, my ship flat out sank.

But I digress.... 

Gratitude. I'm grateful my husband left. There I said it. I wasn't. I bawled, broke down, wallowed.... fumbled through some dark, dark days. But hindsight. I never would have left. And that was some toxic living. 

I'm grateful for my children. All of them. Even the one I'm estranged from. I'm grateful for the one I am no longer estranged from. Grateful for the ones I bore. Grateful for the one who has always held that special place in my heart. Grateful for the one who makes me communicate with her. Grateful for my readhead who is so much like me. These are my people. and I love them and I thank God for them. 

I'm grateful for my little farm. For baby chicks and grown chicks and chicken eggs and duck eggs, and more. 

I'm grateful I have a car to drive and that our family will soon be a two car household again. Holding my breath because, after today, we might actually be a three car household. One car per driver. Wouldn't that be something! 

I'm grateful for hope. And for all the abundance of hope that Springtime brings. 

I'm grateful that I can change my mindset by focusing on the good and giving thanks and developing gratitude. 

Endless Possibilities

 The future might be full of endless possibilities, but I just don't seem to know where to focus my efforts. With the decline in education funding, I really believe the world of education is going to look different in the not-so-distant future. I am not applauding this, I am heartbroken about what seems to happening and the whole dismantling of the Department of Education. What kind of future are we bringing to less fortunate families? Children have no say into their family's economic status and what status they are born into. So this is difficult to watch and stomach for me. But here are few things that keep pressing into my mind... 

I am a teacher. It's not a job, it is who I am. It's the "job" that's not a job. My dad said he got up everyday and did what he loved to do and was fortunate to get paid for it. That is what teaching is to me. Not a job. And I shared here earlier in the month about having the opportunity to help my sister teacher her children this year, and she asked me to teach Science. I have loved every minute of it. But I'm no longer in the public education classroom and I am not going to be teaching my niece and nephew next year as they are taking a different path with their schooling next year. And I have been substitute teaching to supplement my measly disability income. I also really enjoy this. But every time I step into a public school classroom I get nervous, like can't sleep the night before nervous. And there is the simple fact that "they're not my kids.... " Maybe John Q. Public doesn't understand that statement but every teacher everywhere does. Teaching is SO MUCH about relationship! And you can't build relationships in a day. To be fair, I am starting to build some recognition in some schools and some kids are like... "Ms. Horn, Ms. Horn..." and hugs. So there's a little glimmer of relationship being built there. 

So next year... what could/should it look like? 

• Some sort of private school/home school for children I don't know yet? What would that shape up like? My sister lives 50ish minutes from me and I drive there one day a week for in-person learning. Our schedule is this: M,F are Zoom meeting days; T, Th are email assignment days, and W is in-person teaching day. And it's worked. It would be much more cooler (just go with it, it's a vibe, not a grammar thing) if we met more than once a week, but this method has worked for us this year. Soooo.... would I form something similar to this with other people's children? What what would cost/payment look like? 
• I could tutor from my home all year. All the kids, everywhere. Lol. Via Zoom or in person, or at a library or rent a space. I don't know. 
• I could get a job. I can make as much as my disability check in a month and still keep my benefits. That would make life a lot less stressful for sure. 
• I could substitute 2-3 times a week and then I'd build those relationships too. 
• I could get the continuing education I need and get back to teaching.... wait, no, I can't. The price on my mental health and my physical body is too high. Teaching my calling but puclice school is sure to be the death of me.

I feel like there are so many "homeschool" type of options that are so far unexplored that will be more and more of an option as our public schools continue to be undermined, dismantled, and under-funded. But the kids that I feel like need me the most, are the ones who won't be able to afford me. It's never-ending cycle. Money makes the world go 'round. Maybe some "crazy (wealthy?) liberals" will believe this is something worth investing and help me fund this venture and I can open the school of my dreams. Wouldn't that be cool? And let me clarify, by "crazy liberals" I actually just mean like minded others who believe that children come first and that all children need a quality education, not just those who can afford it. Or maybe the government will accidentally allow some sort of loophole funding that will allow me to get paid for what I am capable of doing. There's a need. Trust me. And I'm good. But I burnt out and once there's no fuel left, the fire dies. I don't want to burn at both ends again until I burn out. I just want to pursue my passion, and I think there's possibilities, but I don't really have the funnel to narrow down the crazy, huge schemes of ideas and theories rolling around my brain and shape those possibilities into a real something. 

There is something there. And a power greater than me is going to have to show it to me. So I'll pray and trust and continue to dream.