A Plethora of Thoughts and Pleas....

 I have been working on a more transparent financial attitude. If I'm going to come begging for help, I need to be willing to have some sort of accountability. This is a bit of a mixed bag for me. I don't believe that every time someone helps someone "out of the goodness of their hearts" that the person is now obligated to spend according to how you believe is responsible. The overspending reality at our house is two-fold. Somewhere along the line, the acquiring of animals got out of hand. We have too many goats, too many cats, too many rabbits, and possibly too many pigs (the jury is out on this one). Animal supplies runs between $400-500 a month. The TSC order is around $175, twice a month. But the indoor cats still get treated like indoor cats, and their food is separate. And the dogs eat plain old Ol' Roy from Walmart, and even the outdoor cat food usually comes from Walmart and not on the Tractor Supply order. Simplest solutions.... disperse with some animals. Not exactly easy. I have posted 2 rabbits multiple times on as many pages as will let me. I am not asking a rehoming fee. I don't care if they are used for bait or food or pets or breeding. I mean, some part of me always cares. But no, I am in a "don't ask" phase about this. What you do with them once they are out of my care is none of my business. We currently have 3 goats looking for a new herd. They've been posted again and again also. I'm not the one who scrimps and saves and spends my dollars and dimes on them, even though I am the one who pays for feed. But when she says she cannot just take anything for them, I understand her position. We're currently growing out a bottle baby for a buyer and so right now there's not much cashflow with that, but it will be settled soon. I think he's two weeks away from weaning. So let's talk chickens. I am only getting 4-7 eggs a day. Some days 3-4 of those come out of the grow out pen, which means they are new layers that we purchased this spring. So some days I'm getting as few as 3 eggs from my 13 hens. It's time for a serious come to Jesus talk with these girls. So we need to do some serious deep chicken pen cleaning. And I am just wondering when that might happen, and how. Because I am only one person. And my co-habitators are not any more healthy and well than I am. Let me explain. Youngest child, my partner in farming crime, the one that is a untrustworthy as I am in the farm store in Spring because we're probably coming home with baby chicks.... that one. She would not be a fan of my telling all her woes on here, so I am going to attempt to give you a look without saying too much. She has many, many diagnoses. Some of them are debilitating. Most recently, she somehow damaged her knee and has free floating cartilage in her knee and it is very painful. The solution is surgery, but she aged out of her insurance last July. So we wait. On her disability. We are waiting on her to receive an acceptance from disability, and after than a settlement for the 15+ months we've been waiting. Long story short, some days it's all she can give to simply get out of bed. My middle daughter also lives with me and in some ways she is quite physically fit. She usually is delegated the chores of carrying in the 50 lb. feed bags, and dog food and bottle water when we bring them home. But we live in Kansas, who refuses to expand Medicaid, and she is also uninsured. She has some serious problems with her knees. And saving her strength for her job is priority. So.... when it comes to deep cleaning the chicken barn, it mostly falls to me. And in some ways, I'm healthier than I've been for a while. With the exception of the last 6-ish weeks. First came the spider bite. Which I battled feverishly. no joke. I felt like I had a fever for over 10 days. Now I have an upper-respiratory infection and coughing spasms and what-not. I can function now. Because I'm on the back side of it. But last week was yucky. 

Okay, I told you a plethora, I didn't really mention a mish-mash, a hodge-podge, an ecclectic ADHD telling for my life's story. But if you've read my blog before you probably knew that is how it would be. Because when you have ADHD it all flows together. It's all one story. I'm also told this runs true for low-income citizens. We just have a more colorful, less direct approach to story telling. Works for me. 

Anywho.... chickens. I am still chasing that rainbow egg coloring and getting closer to my dreams all the time. BUT... I have these free loaders. And I am fairly certain I still have some egg eaters. And possibly a snake that steals eggs. I've only seen a snake in the barn once and it was a beautiful garter snake, not big enought to eat eggs. I have lost 2 fake eggs now. They've disappeared. Snake advocates will tell you how cruel that is to the snake that ingests them. But I bought the eggs so that my egg eaters would realize the eggs don't break and stop or at least slow down on their egg eating. So far, no luck with that. I have the pens that we dubbed the vet pens, in the chicken pen and a bunch of them roost up on the top of there at nights. The top pen is completely full of chicken poop. Whenever I maneuver that baby out of there, I'll have an intense cleaning job to tackle. But I DO want to tackle this and start isolating chickens one by one to see who lays eggs and who doesn't. Who's going in the stew pot and who's not. Haha. I mean, who's going to auction and who's not. I don't actually do that stew pot thing. So we need to thin that chicken flock. 

Finally, let's talk about Cupcake, Cuppy-cake. My pig. She is certainly a pig in the sense that she LOVES to eat. I've been sad to realize that she doesn't actually enjoy fresh veggies that much. But what she does enjoy is just about anything else. Chicken food. Cat food. Dog food. goat feed. mashed potatoes, protein drinks, expired yogurt, animal crackers are the best. Next, she loves scritches and scratches. On her back, behind her ears, and on her belly. She will flop over in front of you for belly scratches. She is noisy. She screams when she thinks she should be getting food but it's either not her turn or it is someone elses turn. Screams. Obnoxious. I never knew pigs to be so vocal or so social. Wow. I love her. Because what's not to love. Other than we have to feed her. And that is at least a little bit subject to interpretation. I have heard that Potbelly Pig owners don't necessarily feed their pigs if they forage during the day, which little Miss Cuppy-cake does. The reasoning is that potbelly pigs will get so fat that their belly drags the ground. So maybe foraging is enough.

Okay, now pets. Real, authentic pets. Cats. Dogs. (They are ALL pets by the way). Cats.... I still have 7 kittens from this summer. The little girls had failure to thrive and I don't anticipate them going anywhere. They are still tinier than the others. The rest are now to the point where I can't always tell at first glance who the kittens are and who the full grown cats are. But keepers... For sure Victoria. She is named that because she beat death. She was Victorious. Of course, we call her Vicki. She is the runt. She will always have a place here. Except.... she also still has occasional trouble with her bowels. Sometimes when I hold her, my shirt has poop on it when I put her down. Also, she likes to poop on the floor. So she does have a place here, but it is a place outside. I'll probably make her a special house in the garage with straw in it to keep her warm this winter. I have tried to get rid of these kittens. So far, no luck. I have gotten rid of 3 of them. Coyotes or some other predator got one. Harvey County has a county-wide spay-neuter-release program. I live on the Reno County side of the road. Hutchinson has a street cat program, but not for out in the county. Sadness. So TNR is not really an option. I will put a call in the spay/neuter vet about Victoria and Lefty (the girls) of the kittens. And Jellybean. Our indoor girl. Becky Dillon is the most reasonable spay/neuter probably in the state. Plan to wait at least 6 weeks to get scheduled for surgery. 

Pets and fleas. The fleas are outrageous this year. Could not get ahead of them. Learned a lot. I know a few things now. Now that Domino died from over exposure to fleas. A horrible, sufferable, suffering, drawnout death. Since Dommie died, I've attached even more to my precious outdoor kitty that Jadyn named Turtle. She was one of my bottle babies last summer and last January I got her and 3 other girls spayed and vaccinated. I was really quite attached already. She's my baby. But we talked about how much I loved Dom and how much I love her. Last night, she was breathing funny. Shallow. Labored. I broke my policy about "we don't take cats (especially outdoor cats) to the emergency vet." $400 later, she is no longer with us. Possibly pneumonia. Probably feline leukemia. Could keep spending and testing. Or could put her down. As she probably wasn't going to live through the night, the humane thing was to put her down. I'm heartbroken. It's Turtle. I have no way of explaining this to you because those are the words I just kept saying over and over again. It's Turtle! "It's Turtle!" Oh, and "I can't lose another pet tonight!" None of these things made trying to save her life for my selfishness a feasible option. 

my precious Turtle. This is how she loves her Momma.

I feel like in the last month, all I've done is buy groceries and pay for animal care. Vet bills. Flea treatments for cats. Flea treatments for dogs. Flea spray for the house. Flea bombs. And the cats are due for flea treatments again. The one month treatment is under $100 for all 4 indoor cats, so I mean... haha. We don't have established vet care for any of them. So I'll have to pay the vet for a checkup and all that too. 

One thing I learned is that over the counter flea treatments are just the same thing as wadding up a ball of cash and throwing it in the trash. So I threw away a handsome sum of money this summer. And now I'm trying to fix what I didn't fix earlier. Getting rid of the fleas and being a responsible pet owner. What I am feeling on a deep level is.... If you can't afford to take care of your pets, you shouldn't have them. Thing is, it's too late. I have them. I love them. I'd become homeless for them. And at the rate they are sucking the life and finances out of me currenlty, it's a possibility. 

This was supposed to a season of financial recovery. I told everyone... it's my busy season. I work at the pumpkin patch, I'm subbing a lot. I'm cleaning my friend's house. But alas, I have worked my final shift at the pumpkin patch for the season. Unless they reach out, I will make myself available, no doubt. So one "extra" source of income has disappeared. Because of the doggone spider bite, I missed 3 days of substituting in October. Three days! That's a lot to miss. Now, because of crazy grief and being out late at the vet and not being able to get ready for the day, I missed a day in November too. Because... "It's Turtle!" 

I'm a little bit angry and a little bit bitter that groceries now consume about 50% of my income per month and that feeding animals consumes another 25%. What can I make less. Probably groceries. We have already realized that ground beef is a luxury food. I DID get us some last month becasue at Dillons it was $25 for a 5 pound chub or $20 each if you buy two. So we got ground beef for $4/pound. Unheard of these days. Probably somehow feeding animals. Like, get rid of them. Honestly, I just need to figure out a spay/neuter solution. Mother nature will take my cat numbers down. I hate to be like that, but it's true. In 2025, we lost 7 cats to whatever.... they disappeared. Without of trace. Coyotes. Foxes. Owls. Hawks. 

I'm riding this line. I have to take care of my animals. I can't continue to neglect them and say that I love them. I have to afford my bills.  How am I going to do this? Welp. It's going to take time. Probably a year or more. I'm not excited about that. But I think there's an end game in sight. It's just wayyyyy out there. 

Supposedly we're getting a "big" COLA on our SSDI this year. But it never comes out to be that much. It never actually equals what our cost of living went up over the year. And my insurance premiums usually go up enough to wipe out any other gains. It's all just a game. And the house always wins. 

If you want to donate, I won't cry about that. My cashapp is: $carriehippiechick.

Evergy login is: clhorn; 68Carrielynn!

Items we order from Tractor Supply are: 50 lb. chicken layer feed crumbles (about 4 bags a month); 50 lb. cracked corn (2 per month); 50 lb. Dairy Goat pellets (1 per month); 50 lb. Sweet feed (whichever is cheaper at the time, we switch between two different ones) (5 per month); 50 lb. Rabbit food pellets (1 per month); 25 lb. Loose minerals for goats (1 every 3 months); 20 lb. Potbelly Pig food (1 per month).

  

We Talk About Progess.... But There's A Long Way to Go

 Know what I'm tired of? The partriarchy. The ignorant about the patriarchy. The extreme right seeing pedophilia when it comes to offenses against boys, but turning a blind eye to the same or more appalling behavior when the victim is female. Then cover it in the sauce of Christianity. 

Right now our country is more embroiled in the whole "Christian nation" rhetoric than I can ever remember before. I know that Christians have always cried about separation of church and state and have cried "unfair" for as long as I can remember. "They take Jesus out of the schools but not all the other religions?" Okay, let's look at that for just a second. First of all, NO ONE has the power to take God out of the schools. So when Christians cry about this, I get pretty sour. 

My thought when I hear Christians whine about God getting kicked out of schools: What kind of simple, small god do you serve? Obviously you don't know the same King and savior I know, his name is Jesus Christ. No four walls or laws can keep me from praying, from carrying Jesus with me everywhere I go, because He's in me. Part of me. 

Do I have think that this gives me the right to force others to believe the same as I do? Well, that is where you get into separation of church and state. But I can pray for myself, my students, and those I work with. I probably should not pick up a PA and announce my prayers. Because, again, that would be cramming my religion down someone else's throat. Not to mention bad ethics. This isn't something that has been "taken away" from Christians. It's a way to show respect for other religions. 

I heard you all say, "why should I respect some other religion?" I heard that. I guess my ask would be this... what is the draw you have to present to others about your religion? Because you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. What is attractive about your religion? What do you have to offer to seekers that will make them want what you have? 

I'm going to be honest.... If you're set on being arrogant, mad that other religions would dream of wanting respect from you, you don't have much to sell. I try not to sell what I have received. I believe in attraction, not promotion. If there's nothing about my God that you want, it's probably not something I'm going to pursue. I am going to go before God and talk to Him. About me. My big ego, my arrogance, my inability to show others what Jesus means to me. I'm going to seek out that verse, 2 Chronicles 7:14, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." I am going to ask God to humble me and forgive me and heal me and change me. 

God is in the schools. From the construction worker clinging to his salvation as the building was assembled, to the adminstrators who walk the halls and pray for all their kids, to the teachers, janitors, building maintenance, and more. He's everywhere. And there's nothing your whining can do to stop His presence. So maybe stop being the problem and join the solution. Just a thought. 

I have so many. Thoughts. The political jargon and jockeying is absolutely crazy. I have been surprised at the dirty scandal campaigning. It's no secrect that I am blue, through and through. And the two hot button races in our state are for the Senate, and the governorship. 

Dirty dirty political ads flood our airways right now. In Kansas, Marshall heaps shame on Hamilton for crimes against boys, that I was surprised he had the audacity to bring up in light of all the millions he's accepted from pedophiles in campaign finance and contributions. And the cover ups. I could not believe the crazy ballsy-ness of it all. It was a harsh reminder that the patriarchy is alive and well, and the fact that crimes against women aren't even registering. And supposed good people, Christian people, are still sweeping this stuff under the rug. We have become a Duggar nation. Shame on us. 

Women. Pray. Seek Jesus and god's sakes.... VOTE! God does not want this crazy, sick patriarchy. He is a good God. And He created women from Adam's ribs. Not his foot to be crushed. His side, to be an equal. The bible says a "help mate." If being a helpmate to your significant other somehow means you have to be less of yourself, something is wrong. This isn't what God asked of us. Be careful not to succumb to a whole culture that puts women down because we are supposed to "submit." Remember, men have an obligation to love their spouse as Christ loved the church, and if they don't, I'm not submitting. Just sayin.... 

I don't own this photo. It is a picture off of facebook.

Personally Speaking....

 Personally speaking, there's some things I've been saying a lot lately. One of them is: "... and the hits just keep on coming..." But this is almost always followed by.... "and God is still in the business of miracles." 

Last week saw a plumbing problem and no water for three days. If you've never been without running water, you don't know what a gift it is! But I placed a facebook plea and some one came and fixed it... for FREE! I know parts on this job were not outrageous. But I also know it took more time out of someone's work day than I could have paid them for. Maybe an entire morning? And that labor was donated as well. I asked if I could give them $20 to help toward parts and he said, "You can, but I'll give it right back to you. My wife said this is to be done for free...." Thank you God and the social network of social media for this not-so-small-to-us miracle. I really want to name drop here, but I think the glory should just go to God and good people. And know that the world is still right in some spaces in time. 

Personally speaking, I am realizing that I maybe shouldn't be too hard on myself about the acquiring of animals. It is an inherant part of my personality. But the Punky and I have some big plans for all our animals. We are brainstorming a petting zoo experience at the ole Hippie Chick Farm. People will pay money to bottle feed a baby goat. And let's face it, it is really fun. Those little kids are so adorable, wagging their tails as they suck down that bottle! Rabbit petting and holding. Self-explanatory. So cuddly and cute. Who wouldn't want this experience? Cats.... kittens.... treats for goats.... treats for chickens.... and let's not forget.... a pig. Cupcake, who knows her name and knows the word "treats." Who comes squealing and running, a full-on pig run across the yard to come and see humans. And who is becoming increasingly affectionate to her humans and seems to trust all humans. She has starting sitting down like a dog and occasionally she will stand up on her hind legs to get to a treat. All of these traits are endearing and cute. You should be jealous. For real. The petting zoo experience would help finance our love of all things animal. And at the same time, it would be giving back to the world in the form of an experience to remember and a moment to cherish in a world that is almost always more harsh than it is pleasant. 

Fiscal responsibility. Scary thought. So much harder to do that to talk about and think about. And my car is literally falling apart. A mechanic called it "aging out." My car is aging out. The other U-joint is going bad now. But I did not have the funds to fix it yesterday. I barely had the funds for what did get fixed. Speaking of which... I bought front brake pads. I thought the harsh growl was in the back but I could definitely tell the front was where the squeaking was coming from. Long story short, we had to exchange the front brake pads and get back ones. The squeaking in the front was from the U-joint. Which I knew was going bad because of the other side that we fixed at the beginning of August. I also knew/know that I can drive it a long time yet before I have to fix it. A short digression, but part of this story in a way... Last week, Carolyn calls and says, "my car broke down." She calls back and said her coworker was getting oil. She thought that would fix the problem. But it didn't. She had run it dry. And y'all know what happens then, right? Her engine siezed up. So just putting oil in it would no longer fix it. Nothing would. Nothing will. It's dead. Sad, sad story. (So if you're a prayer warrior, please pray that God, the God of miracles, will again provide a miraculous car for her). This sad story reminds me that I haven't checked my oil in a WHILE. And if your car uses oil, like mine does, this is not wisdom. So I go out and pull out my dipstick. It reads about a 1/2-1 quart low. So I pulled the quart of oil out of the trunk and sloppily spill a bunch of oil as I fill her up. Now I go to check what it read now. But the top of the dipstick is plastic and a piece of it stays in the tunnel(?)/tube(?) thingy that the dipstick sticks in. It just broke right off in there. And I could not retrieve it. I was told it might not be retrievable. By a local mechanic. But anyway. My friend, my circle, my social network friend who makes me feel like I can probably weather any storm because we're a community of people, not just loners, that friend. He fixed my brakes, new pads on the back, everything turned and smoothed and nice and all that. And he got the dipstick problem fixed. And he rigged up a way to keep the tube (whatever the right word is?) closed off until I can purchase a replacement dipstick. A network, a circle, a ripple in the waters of life. A miracle. Miraculously I got paid for a job on Friday and the payment was $70. The brake pads cost $60. And I put a little smidge of gas in so I could make it out to my friends farm. The Punky needed some meds, that is another story and I hope I find time to tell it, but suffice it to say, if you pray for us, she needs some pain relief of miraculous preportions. The new med was $60, but she thought I could fill the old one for $12. A facebook post and a friend sends me the $12. I go to the pharmacy only to be told that the $12 prescription is expired. The only option available is the $60 option. So I say, "thanks but no" and put $8 worth of ibuprofen in my cart. But another friend saw my sad facebook post and messages me about helping with meds. I explain that the $12 med is now $60 and he sends us the remaining $48 we need. Another friend sees the post and sends us $60 to help with car troubles. Now I can actually put in enough gas to get through until Tuesday (payday) and pay for the ibuprofen, a few things we can't do without and the meds at the pharmacy that we desperately need. So much emotional roller coaster riding later, I am overcome with emotion as to just Good God is. And how people are not to be given up on. Because there are lot of good ones out there. Still and again. Good people. A good God. Unworthy me. And miracles. Just wow. 

Most days I wake in a panic about how am I going to pay for.... (fill in the blank). And I fall asleep feeling insecure and afraid. But then, when the rubber hits the road, the miracles happen. I wish I had a better memory for this. Because the living in crisis mode for the birds and exhausting. 

I have a friend who talks me off the ledge on Wednesdays. "Okay, so prioritize, what can you pay with your paycheck? Realistically..." and she walks me through it. Thank God for her. I breathe a little easier knowing I'm not alone. And that it isn't me, I really cannot pay everything on the list with that one paycheck. So.... prioritize. And then breathe. 

This week there was a fun insurance experience also. I scheduled my carpal tunnel surgery (left hand first), and got a bill estimate from the clinic. My resonsibility would be $900+. Wait. What? Yes, the medicare person says, You have a $232 (I cannot remember the exact amount but less than $250) deductible that you haven't paid and so you are responsible for 20% of your bill. Okay.... so why are you not like other insurance and just take the $230ish something and charge me that and pay the rest? Carpal surgery cancelled for now. Until I figure this racket out. And it is definitely a racket. The harder I work, the more there is to pay for. When does the part happen where I catch up and start saving for next summer when my work options are less abundant (as in nil for subbing)? 

I don't know if I mentioned this but I desperately need to pay property taxes. I need to pay somewhere around the $350 mark immediately. Like I had initially planned to pay it on the 1st, but that SSDI paycheck doesn't really stretch like it should anymore. So now the plan is to pay it on the 15th. I'll need to do this again in December. And then again in May. Fiscal responsibility. It never ends. or becomes less. It's always there. Multiplying. 

I know, I know. You "normies" know all this stuff and pay your bills in a timely fashion. But I don't and so far as I try, all I feel is desperation. Not some sort of responsible citizen bullshit. I just feel tired, and desperate. And alone. 

So... the kiddo. Punky woke from a nap one day to having her knee be fine when she went to sleep and her knee being in excruciating pain when she woke up. The ortho doc says this is common. How weird is that. The mri shows floating cartilage pieces loose in her knee. But her insurance ended on her birthday and she is in the appeal process for SSDI. So she has no insurance. No way to get insurance as she couldn't hold a job before this injury but this injury is all consuming. Some days she can barely walk. It's never a "good" day for her knee. At first there were some. Now there are BAD days and less bad days. 

So personally speaking... Jesus has been lacking in my life for awhile. Not gone, just quiet. Quieter than I like. Mostly because I stopped talking to him. I'm feeling spiritually distant. He's started talking to me about growing up financially and I don't really like it. And I'm 58 years old and I have NEVER known how to be a financially responsible human. I don't know why I think that is possible now. But alas. I have decided to give it the ole college try and I'm a little bit prickly about it. Maybe even salty.

But the truth, when I look at it, is that people and God love me. My animals love me. And miracles happen on the daily. And I can't help but be grateful for that. 

Cupcake laying at my feet while I sit in the rocking chair. Is that not the cutest thing ever?!

So many things swirling around my mind... a potpourri? A hodge-podge? A melting pot?

 I've had the urge to write for about a week. So many things to urgently expound upon. But let's start with faith. My faith is not in a great place currently. It's also not in a terrible place. It's kinda just there. Except maybe a little neglected. I pull it out occasionally and tell it how I'm really a good kid and trying to follow a path, and then I shove it back in a box and put it back on the shelf. Wouldn't want it to influence... oh, say.... every little area of my life. Big or small? God no. or probably.... God knows.... sigh. that's the kicker. God knows. God knows when I'm avoiding Him, drowning out the still small voice with an urgent social matter, personal matter, recovery matter, etc. He already knows. 

I've been hearing a lot of talk about abandonment issues. Mostly from anonymous friends. And apparently they work steps and get freedom. I guess maybe I'm clinging to my exceptionality. I am the exception to this. My hurts run deeper. My hurts are more spititual. My hurts are not at the heart of my addiction. Except they are. 

Isn't that why I crave not to feel? To find the numbness and get more and more and more? 

So maybe I'm just an ordinary drunk. An ordinary addict. a pill seeker. a thrill seeker. a searcher for the inner numb. 

There is this inner child that longs for healing from abandonment from her idol, her hero, her daddy. The Dad who too often left her in unsafe places with unsafe people as her only help, only hope. So maybe my mother never abandoned me but I was still all alone. And my dad, he's still my hero. Idk how to really look at this. To admit to it. To realize that maybe he's the one who failed me. Maybe it wasn't all "the other parent". 

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that what might set me free will kill me. Because these are feelings I do not want to face. 

I have talked to God about it some. But it's a little awkward. 

Financial responsibility. That's a good one. Except it isn't. Not to me. I don't like the term,  I don't like what it implies, I don't like the work it takes, and the self-denial I will need to exercise. yuck.

I have a moral dilemma. The "f" word. Have I mentioned that I love the F word? I do. And I wonder if I really need to use it in every single sentence that comes out of my mouth. Maybe I could dial that sh*t back just a little bit. (insert shoulder shrug) maybe. Maybe it would lend more credence to my claim that I love Jesus. maybe. But the thing is, Jesus knows I'm a big fan of the F word. He's decided to accept me as I am. Foul mouth and all. But society. I might appear more intelligent to the blankety-blank middle class if I were to use the F-bomb less frequently. And it might gain back some shock power and wow factor if I did. But what about creativity? I am fan-fucking-tastic at weaving that word into any thing and everything (every-fucking-thing). 

Homesteading and gardening and farming.... oh my! 

My brain is overloaded and overwhelmed with information on homesteading and I want to be a successful gardener and farmer. I want to have sucess. With my little farm and my little menagerie of animals and, and, and.... Seriously my typing fingers cannot keep with my thoughts. So much to do. Tending to the soil, caring for the animals, preparing for the winter, the spring, the next opportunity. Some days I'm exhausted before my feet hit the ground. 

Lastly, please continue to pray for us. There is a lot going on. So much of it is financially draining. And were in a season of Job. One kid has already said, "why would God just leave us in turmoil and not help us?" (I'm paraphrasing here, it was a late-night conversation for one and for two, my brain doesn't remember exact phrasing like some people's do). If it ain't one thing, it's another. Last month we fixed a U-joint and replaced a water pump. This month I've refrained from fixing anything because we're broke from last month still. But the other u-joint is acting up now and the brakes they are a squealing. Those brakes I can only ignore for so long and then I'll have even more expenses to pay. The universal joint should have A WHILE left on it before it's anywhere close to being as bad as the other one when we changed it. Oh yeah, and my dipstick broke. And a piece is stuck in the tube. So I can't check my oil. This frightens me a little. Just keep praying. Please. And I'll just keep swimming.

P.S. Grieving sucks. We lost one of our doggies last week. And we miss him. And knowing he's in a better place doesn't stop me from looking for him.

Midnight garden delight... it's often late when I water, but this guy was so cheerful greeting me!

Down the Rabbit Hole

 Last week's blog... yuck.

The part I think I should feel penitent about, well, I don't. The part I feel bad about is confessing my sins. Not the sins themselves. I don't know. That's not quite accurate either. It's complicated? Living with the ADHD mind.  

I am in a place where I know I need help learning to navigate my finances. I don't make enough on SSDI alone to live. But with my supplemental incomes I do. I can live. And we should be able to pay our bills and eat food without strife or worry. But there's not enough to be spendy or to pursue the American dream.  And certainly not enough to "farm." Any kind of farming involves risk. If you are an agricultural farmer you have to take a giant risk that your investment and hard work will yield you enough to balance not only your initial expenditures but the disasters that come along in the mean time (hail, tornadoes, drought, flooding, freeze, etc.). With livestock, in our case goats and poultry, you risk that your does will get pregnant and produce, which we're experiencing the "oh crap she didn't take" side of that right now. You're believing that you are capable and will be successful at keeping your does from your bucks when you don't want them to produce. Chickens won't get sour crop or egg bound. Or any other horrible things you get to gamble on when you read those social media pages about all the terrible things that will befall your fowl. Fowlpox. Coccidia. Marek's. To name a few. Lice and mites. ewwww. Anyway, it's a risk. No matter what. But to be a farmer is a risk that is heavy on the "it takes money to make money" side of business. I need to invest in this high dollar billy in order to create a line of goats that is worthy of the prices we are asking for when we have kids. We need to keep chickens that lay the eggs we want for our rainbow flock. We need to keep buying outgoing, social animals that engage with people if we want to pursue the dream we have of a petting zoo type of experience. 

Feeling remorseful... or not. So having jumped in and admitting that yes, I do need help learning to reign in my spending or more accurately to learn to be financially responsible, I have instant feelings of hopelessness and failure. I often refer to someone I love and say, "she's &$ years old and not getting any younger, she's always done it this way, and I know better than to think that she is going to change now." So what makes me think that I am going to be able to drum up some sort of backbone/will power and some kind of ability to learn, retain and put into practice new ways of thinking in regard to money?! It seems kind of audacious in the sense that it seems rash and reckless and maybe even an tad insolent. Is there any real chance I can change and retain the change and still be a relatively happy human? Because this human is happiest when she's acquiring animals. 

So it's crazy to think I can go on living like I do. Less than paycheck to paycheck. Hoping and waiting for things to work out. But it seems crazy to think that I can change my frame of mind in regard to spending and to be able to see long term costs involved with say... acquiring animals. It's not just an $8 pig. It's an ongoing expense of food pellets. And someone said that potbellies don't need to be given grain pellets because they can free range.  But nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, makes Cupcake happier than her daily ration of grain. She gets very happy. There's the cost of maintaining a pen for her and creating and maintaining a pen for other critters since she occupies that "extra" pen now. There could be vet costs. And I do not know about pig feet. Do they need their feet trimmed? 

On another note.... Cupcake is quite the addition. She is vocal, and she is hilarious. I really enjoy her. She talks to me a lot. Yesterday she lay her head on my foot because she was happy to see me. When I come out the door she comes running from wherever she is. Well, in the short day and a half since I started letting her free-range during the day. She's happy to go into her pen at night, that is where her feed is. Oh yeah.... 

 

Cupcake with Charlotte. Don't be surprised if we have a web that says "Some Pig"

And a bag of chips (or should I say a Cupcake for dessert?)

 My life really is all that.... and a bag of chips. Somedays those chips are cow chips. Somedays they are rabbit raisins. Somedays they are Tomato basil Sun Chips, a fave. But my life is a spectrum of joy and mundane-ness, and sorrow, and crisis. And I'm the one who built it, and I'm the one who "gets" to live it. 

Currently I'm grieving my inability to handle money well. Some of the things I am wondering.... is it too late to make a permanent/positive change? Have I reached a level of misery that will get me to a place of willingness? Because in order for change to happen, I have to have more than a mouthful of willingness. I have to have a willingness in my heart. And dare I say it, even in my soul. I have come to the realization that I like the way I spend money. I don't like being broke and facing endless financial crisis, but I like the moments when the auctioneer says... "you want a pig? $5...." And for $8 we bring home a pig. A pig that I was none too sure of. She screamed a lot. and she was LOUD. And she was larger than what I really wanted to start out with. A pig. A pig named Cupcake that in a short 10 days has won our hearts. She talks a lot. She doesn't scream anymore. She is tamer (more tame?) than she appeared to be that first night. She likes belly scratches and butt scratches and someone to have a conversation with. She likes watermelon and cantaloup and maybe bell peppers. But she LOVES her grain. She talks about it. She talks to it. She wags her tail when she eats it. She likes it when I change her water. She loves her clean water. 

So here's the rub. She didn't cost us much at all. And right now she gets one scoop of pig food a night. And the bag was $16 for 25 pounds. How can anyone hate on that?! That's reasonable, right?! But ongoing, yes. And who knews how much it will cost in the long run, right? And let's be honest, we don't really need an additional $16-20 a month on our Tractor Supply order. So maybe the pig should go back to auction. Really?! We are now emotionally invested in her. We have a plan to have a free range pig that follows us around and does her own thing and lives her little potbelly life doing piggy things. So I'm a little heartbroken thinking about reselling her.

We do have a dream and a vision. To grow this into an interactive farm experience for kids. We will offer bottle goat feeding when we have kids. And you can give treats to the goats and the chickens and the rabbits and the pig. 

But does it align with becoming fiscally responsible? This is as of yet undetermined. I can kind of guarantee that keeping the rabbits, though they are not expensive, will not become a money maker. or a break even-er. 

So last night in talking with my kiddo, we decided to sell the pig and the rabbits. Kind of breaks my heart. But currently they (rabbits) are all in cages down low to the ground and I would call it temporary housing at best, or the equivilance of living in government housing the ghetto at the worst. Well not Star. She has a pretty nice set up. I don't think she appreciates it much, but it's good. But thinking about the investment of making or buying a rabbit hutch with four apartments or more is a bit daunting. But they need better. Both Wally and Mochi are in need of having their basements cleaned out (all the poo under the cages). I dread this. For reasons that are glaring and obvious... like ewww. But also like... time. Who has time? And work in the what? The heat? or the dark? Well, maybe both at this particular time.

All this drama to really say.... Hippie Chick Farm needs donations. I am in need of an immediate cash payment to the county to keep our house from being auctioned for taxes. (What kind of dumbass lets this happen... well, I know one). We need some supplies. We need more food/water dishes that are larger and not easily dumped over. Both the giant dog and the boy goats like to drag water bowls around and slosh them and spill them. We need old towels and blankets. From your garage or basement, from Goodwill or garage sales. Thread bare is just fine. Old t-shirts also work. But there's too much bathing and transporting and house in cages and mopping up of the spills and accidents. These are the immediate needs that would improve our lives or the lives of the animals we love. 

I need educated in an empathetic way. And if your going to say the envelope thing, please explain to me how you made this work for you because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to live on a cash system in an electronic bill-pay world when I live 15 miles from my "bank" to put money in the places it needs to be for electronic withdrawals. Mostly I need prayer. Because I need to be willing to try whatever system will help me and a system without dopamine rushes via animal acquisition doesn't sound like something I'll be able to do. I'm on the edge of the cliff, the willingness is right there, just out of reach, but almost. so close. 

I don't know how to put a qr code on here, but my cashapp is: $carriehippiechick. And my mailing address is: 4411 S Woodberry Road, Burrton, KS 67020. That's also my physical address if you want to drop off blankets and such. 

Meet Cupcake!

Click on the photo to go to TSC website

As June Concludes...

 A question. A big question on my mind... "Why?" Why do fundamentalist/Nationalist Christians think that berating people is the way to their heart? When I ponder that question, the answer I rest on the most is this: They don't. They don't actually want to build relationship with the people they are casting judgment on. So what exactly is the piont except to be self-serving and arrogant? While I believe that is mostly the point, I don't think that they believe they are being arrogant. 

Yesterday I attended a PRIDE picnic. Set up right at the perimeter, was someone with a sign that had LBGTQ+ colors/symbolism for the background with the words, PRIDE comes before a fall. And a bible reference. My friends at the PRIDE picnic were concerned that someone vulnerable might hear the rhetoric being spun and be injured by it. But as I sat there I wondered.... just WHOSE pride were they talking about? I know it was meant to berate and belittle the PRIDE participants, but the gall and arrogance of someone who would mimic a PRIDE banner to draw attention to themselves and to further endanger lives of vulnerable people makes me think they are so misguided by the word PRIDE that they can't see their pride and arrogance. 

Two things I have been learning about in my life. The LBGTQ+ community and the Bible. I've done a fair amount of bible reading this past year. And yes, we pick and choose what we are going to read about. But we also pick things by the Book, not by one chapter or one verse. Generally I get the opportunity to understand what surrounds certain passages that are becoming near and dear to me or that have been near and dear for a long time already. I am gaining knowledge of context and why the author penned what they did and who their audience was. I am reading alongside a friend that I would consider to be quite far on the conservative pendulum swing. And we often do not glean the same things from the reading. So I pause here for a brief second to say: "how cool is that?!" God knows where each of us is at and one author penned one passage and it hits home for each of us in our different walks. Wow. I am more and more in awe of the God who loves and saved me than I've ever been.

I am also more left-leaning than I've ever been. Those prayers prayed for me.... Lord just let her understand where you are coming from and not her own perspective? I don't think they are getting answered the way it was expected. I know I've been surprised. Pleasantly and often. How many times have I heard a well-intentioned person say something like, "God is a God of comfort." And I think what does that have to do with what is happening here? Whichever "here" might be happening at the moment. And as I've sought the Lord, I feel like I am seeing... "God is a God of comfort..." He comforts me when I hurt, He reaches out to the unreachable, He sees the forlorn. The more I am learning about God, the farther left I lean. I know that breaks my momma's heart. She prays for me to be saved. From what I am not sure. I've been and am being saved from the throes of addiction, the sneakiness of the desire to not feel certain things at certain times and the pull of the bottle that once was my very best friend. I've walked in a hell that some only imagine and some can't imagine. And I have been saved. I have been given a reprieve. Which allows me to seek God and seek life. And to learn more about my own selfishness and destructive ways and my own desire to drown my soul in death and destruction. 

But I digress... 

What is the draw for people who consider themselves to be Christian to "call out" the behaviors they consider vile and to tell people that they have been saved by Jesus Christ as if the people they are addressing couldn't have been saved by the same Jesus. It's ignorant and arrogant. 

This summer, this fall, this next year.... I will continue to pursue Jesus. I want to know him more. I will continue to ask him these questions. And I will go where the winds of change take me. My beliefs are ever evolving. 

But I know this: Jesus loves me. He forgives me from all sorts of vile things in my past. And I want more of that kind of love in my life. I cannot afford to shake my finger at anyone. 

This was a free download. Not my photo.