How does this even happen? Someone being very conservative transforming over time to someone with a bleeding heart? One of those crazy ass, bleeding heart liberals? This has really been on my mind lately. You know, some of the people that I count among my friends, who knew me way back when, knew me as the person who used words like "snowflakes," and"libtards." I tried to figure out what other words I might have used "back then" but my memory fails and using the internet to find terms was like reading gibberish. I couldn't even figure out what some of the insults directed at liberals were saying or what the meaning was. Ironically some of the current descriptives I count as compliments when I hear them. Like... bleeding heart liberal. or my favorite: Woke. I might have to order that t-shirt that says "Woke: its not the insult you think it is."
One of the things I've been pondering lately is that I've always been a "bleeding heart." Some of my causes that are near and dear to my heart and have been for as long as I can remember, are issues and causes that are generally liberal causes. Women and children first of all. In some ways I've always been a feminist. Though there were years when I was far from it. But I've never really bought into gender roles. And my dad wasn't really one to promote them either. In some ways, Mom and Dad's marriage was oh-so-traditional. But in regard to some of those roles, my Mom is the one who ram-rodded those roles. My dad was super independent. He could cook. He could clean. He could do his laundry. He wasn't afraid to do dishes. But it wasn't really allowed in our home. Mom did those things. If he did do them, she micro-managed him and it had to be really discouraging. Another way that dad didn't really buy into gender roles was in regard to the way he allowed me to be the tomboy/Daddy's girl that I was. My favorite thing was to be wherever Dad was. If he was cutting wood, I wanted to be there. If he was hunting, I was there. Building race car? Yes, please, let me tag along. Building demo derby cars, I was there. Fishing? Take me! Farming? Let me ride along. There wasn't really a line of what girls or boys did. Having said that, though, my dad also made sure that I (and the other women he mentored or took under his wing) had plenty of support. He taught me how to hunt, but I've never field-dressed a deer. I never had to. He taught me how to fish, but guess who had to get the hook out when they swallowed it? Dad taught me about racing, but I've never had to change a tire. or changed my oil. Know what else? I never loaded a shotgun shell or a rifle shell. But dad did. He made many reloads. I also didn't have to pay for ammo. And to be honest, a few weeks ago when I had to get ammo for my .380, it was the first time I'd bought shells for it. Just a few ways my daddy took care of me. And as much as I appreciate it, I wish I'd learned to do some of this stuff earlier. Because guess what? Dad's not here to do it now. And there's no one else. I probably wouldn't appreciate someone else's efforts anyway. Because I'm like a toddler... "I want to do it myself!"
There's both a freedom and a fear involved with following what is in my heart, culturally and politically. Fear that my family will reject me, judge me, and deem as one headed straight for hell. It's funny that I still worry and squirm about that. I don't think the dreaded and mysterious "they" are right. So why does it influence me? My its self-doubt. Can I really trust my gut and instincts to make the decisions that are best for me?
I've been reading the bible through with a small, very small, group of friends. We don't have a study guide or devotional or reference books. We just read, and respond. What are our thoughts? What is God saying to us? What questions does the passage leave me with? I like it because it's not mucked up and mired down with opinion and rhetoric. I fell like I'm learning a lot. One of the things I'm learning is that I am not so very wrong. The gospel talks a LOT about the poor, the immigrant, the widow, the orphan, the underdogs, the dregs. And guess what? It doesn't say throw them in jail just for being poor or being immigrants, or any of those other groups of demigraphics that Middle and Upper class Americans find so deplorable. And actually, the indoctrination runs deep. I see other poor people harshly judging their fellow citizens in poverty. Why? Don't we have other things to worry about? Where do passages like The Lord's Prayer fit? Let me throw a little of this at y'all:
"Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
but deliver us from the evil one."
This is from the NIV, Matthew 6, verses 9-13.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. I owe a lot of debts. I mistreated my children. I have a very oppositional child. One who baffles me to this day. But one reason we come to be at odds has to do with that we are BOTH oppositional. And the words spoken, I might agree to from someone else, but if she says them, I will say the opposite. Yuck. I hate it that there is an ounce of truth there. But I owe her. One of the things she is stubborn about... growing an honest relationship with me. And she will not give up or give in. No matter how hard I dig my toes in. I am so, so grateful for this and I'm grateful to God for her. She shows me regularly what my shortcomings are (and I am seldom grateful for this as it is happening... it feels wretched), and I then have the opportunity to come before God and ask him to forgive this fiesty, oppositional part of me. Then I have the opportunity to go to said child and ask her to forgive me. And she does. So what business do I have judging her for the very same behaviors?! Wouldn't it be so much better if I sought to understand her? If I practiced empathy? If I forgave her as she forgave me? Because what is she (and God) decided to treat me the way I treat others (her in particular)? Ouch. I would be doomed. It's in my best interest to adopt compassion. I guess that means that I am still self-centered. If I'm being honest. But if I can get to that place of honesty, I can handle that level of self-centeredness that treats other people better because I want God to treat me with love and compassion. and forgiveness.
I can apply that anywhere. How do I like it when I am at the grocery store and have to put things back because I don't have enough money? How does it feel? There's a lot of shame that goes with that. Even on the days that the cashier and/or other shoppers don't project shaming behaviors and attitudes onto me. It's okay, I got it covered.
I look back in Matthew to chapter 7. Verses 1 and 2 say this:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Well, I'm not sure I can even expand on that. Isn't that a complete thought? My bleeding heart cries about this very thing in regard to how immigrants are treated in America, how harshly divorcees are judged (especially within the church!), how we regard the poor or less fortunate, how we make distinctions in intelligence and qualify people by the color of their skin! I can go on. But the more read, the more I think I'm on the right soapbox. It's not about "every man for him/her self". I don't find that to be a teaching of christ. I feel that is where the Republican party has landed. And blindly so. But that is fodder for another post.
