Monday Morning Coffee

 Thursday morning coffee time with my friend has just been switched to Monday morning coffee. Which is all well and good. At least we have a time to have coffee and pray together. Today we ran out of "pray" time. We agree that God heard us in our laughter, our sorrow and even our belly-aching. And we asked God to bless our words and hearts. But I know it's bigger than that. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I lifted her children and children's children up to God, and I know that when I ask, "please pray for/about this...." that she does. She'll remember me throughout the week to our God and He will honor that. I will remember her and her family at random times this week. Some scheduled times, but more prayer happens in those random moments than any other time. 

One thing I divulged this morning is that I am an Apathetic Annie lately. I just really don't care.  Everything seems too big and too hard and too overwhelming. So I'll just sit in my chair and either play mind numbing games on my phone or sleep through true crime shows on the TV. I want a garden, but I don't want it badly enough to get up out of my chair and plant it. I want a cleaner kitchen.... it got really out of whack, dirty and disorganized and behind on dishes during a cold snap where we had no water for a spell. Do I want it badly enough to do the work? No. In all honesty, there's some legitimate mental health struggles tangled up with this. And some serious overwhelm. But there is also the desire not to do anything. and the struggle is real. 

I had the epiphany this morning that I am sadly lacking in gratitude. Maybe if I renew an attitude of gratitude, Annie will go away. So the first item of gratitude is a real, true, boots on the ground, friend that I can have morning coffee with once a week and pour out my apathetic soul to, and she will pour out her heart to me and we will only share these confessions with God. She has a spouse, I could see her ocasionally sharing with her spouse. I'm told that's what a spousal relationship is like. I was married once. But I wouldn't base any amount of assumptions about marriage on my example. It was sick. and weak. and well, 22+ years after the d-i-v-o-r-c-e, I am still so much happier being single. That ship has sank. Maybe for some people it just sailed.... sailed away into the sunset. But no, my ship flat out sank.

But I digress.... 

Gratitude. I'm grateful my husband left. There I said it. I wasn't. I bawled, broke down, wallowed.... fumbled through some dark, dark days. But hindsight. I never would have left. And that was some toxic living. 

I'm grateful for my children. All of them. Even the one I'm estranged from. I'm grateful for the one I am no longer estranged from. Grateful for the ones I bore. Grateful for the one who has always held that special place in my heart. Grateful for the one who makes me communicate with her. Grateful for my readhead who is so much like me. These are my people. and I love them and I thank God for them. 

I'm grateful for my little farm. For baby chicks and grown chicks and chicken eggs and duck eggs, and more. 

I'm grateful I have a car to drive and that our family will soon be a two car household again. Holding my breath because, after today, we might actually be a three car household. One car per driver. Wouldn't that be something! 

I'm grateful for hope. And for all the abundance of hope that Springtime brings. 

I'm grateful that I can change my mindset by focusing on the good and giving thanks and developing gratitude. 

Endless Possibilities

 The future might be full of endless possibilities, but I just don't seem to know where to focus my efforts. With the decline in education funding, I really believe the world of education is going to look different in the not-so-distant future. I am not applauding this, I am heartbroken about what seems to happening and the whole dismantling of the Department of Education. What kind of future are we bringing to less fortunate families? Children have no say into their family's economic status and what status they are born into. So this is difficult to watch and stomach for me. But here are few things that keep pressing into my mind... 

I am a teacher. It's not a job, it is who I am. It's the "job" that's not a job. My dad said he got up everyday and did what he loved to do and was fortunate to get paid for it. That is what teaching is to me. Not a job. And I shared here earlier in the month about having the opportunity to help my sister teacher her children this year, and she asked me to teach Science. I have loved every minute of it. But I'm no longer in the public education classroom and I am not going to be teaching my niece and nephew next year as they are taking a different path with their schooling next year. And I have been substitute teaching to supplement my measly disability income. I also really enjoy this. But every time I step into a public school classroom I get nervous, like can't sleep the night before nervous. And there is the simple fact that "they're not my kids.... " Maybe John Q. Public doesn't understand that statement but every teacher everywhere does. Teaching is SO MUCH about relationship! And you can't build relationships in a day. To be fair, I am starting to build some recognition in some schools and some kids are like... "Ms. Horn, Ms. Horn..." and hugs. So there's a little glimmer of relationship being built there. 

So next year... what could/should it look like? 

• Some sort of private school/home school for children I don't know yet? What would that shape up like? My sister lives 50ish minutes from me and I drive there one day a week for in-person learning. Our schedule is this: M,F are Zoom meeting days; T, Th are email assignment days, and W is in-person teaching day. And it's worked. It would be much more cooler (just go with it, it's a vibe, not a grammar thing) if we met more than once a week, but this method has worked for us this year. Soooo.... would I form something similar to this with other people's children? What what would cost/payment look like? 
• I could tutor from my home all year. All the kids, everywhere. Lol. Via Zoom or in person, or at a library or rent a space. I don't know. 
• I could get a job. I can make as much as my disability check in a month and still keep my benefits. That would make life a lot less stressful for sure. 
• I could substitute 2-3 times a week and then I'd build those relationships too. 
• I could get the continuing education I need and get back to teaching.... wait, no, I can't. The price on my mental health and my physical body is too high. Teaching my calling but puclice school is sure to be the death of me.

I feel like there are so many "homeschool" type of options that are so far unexplored that will be more and more of an option as our public schools continue to be undermined, dismantled, and under-funded. But the kids that I feel like need me the most, are the ones who won't be able to afford me. It's never-ending cycle. Money makes the world go 'round. Maybe some "crazy (wealthy?) liberals" will believe this is something worth investing and help me fund this venture and I can open the school of my dreams. Wouldn't that be cool? And let me clarify, by "crazy liberals" I actually just mean like minded others who believe that children come first and that all children need a quality education, not just those who can afford it. Or maybe the government will accidentally allow some sort of loophole funding that will allow me to get paid for what I am capable of doing. There's a need. Trust me. And I'm good. But I burnt out and once there's no fuel left, the fire dies. I don't want to burn at both ends again until I burn out. I just want to pursue my passion, and I think there's possibilities, but I don't really have the funnel to narrow down the crazy, huge schemes of ideas and theories rolling around my brain and shape those possibilities into a real something. 

There is something there. And a power greater than me is going to have to show it to me. So I'll pray and trust and continue to dream. 

Poultry Auction Day

 Hustle. Bustle. Hurry. Wait. Shuffle. Arrange. Busy, busy, busy. Poultry auction day is always swarming with anticipation and energy. Poultry auction is always the last Friday of the month, with the exception of March and April. March and April auction are full of sellers, lots of livestock, the pulse of Spring on the farm, and full of buyers. The time is right to add chicks, and doeling and buck goats, and calves, and piglets, and bunnies and.... well, so much more. This is going to be a seller's market (keep those fingers crossed), and there will be a throng of buyers from all over the state and even some surrounding states. 

Yesterday afternoon we counted and sorted and discussed. Thirty-six birds total. We're hoping for an average of $10/bird. With commission and vertinary fees (a new thing), we hope to clear around $300. Which will go to repay our farm for feed and animal and other farm needs and also add to our flocks. We really want to add some silkie hens. It would seem right to wait until a later date, July-November-ish, so it might be more of a buyers market. But the truth is, the best of the best will be at auction today. Every seller knows that this month and next month are a big deal. And if they are like us, they saved their best quality babies for this month or next. So this is also prime time to buy. 

But I got off-topic. Yesterday we counted and separated. We figured out that we need 5 pens. After choring last evening, I took the time to find the cages I thought would work for us. Knowing that some cages will hold up to 14 birds, while one cage will only need to hold 2 birds. And to figure out the jigsaw puzzle that is our vehicle and making everything fit. Since we don't own a truck, we are loading everything into our Pontiac Grand Prix. Towels cover the back seat as we shove and prod and re-arrange and trade cages when we realize the cages first chosen will not fit. Finally, everything is in order. All birds are in the car, the cages we'll need when we get there are finagled into the trunk. Water containers are packed, and zip ties (the farmer's friend), and a wire snips. And we're off.... ! 

We arrived shortly after 9:30 am. They began check in a 7 a.m.. We are number 79. There are 78 consignors ahead of us. And consigner number 78 had a PACKED trailer. I bet they brought close to 1000 birds of every different kind.... ducks, call ducks, laying hens galore, some roosters, and more. We kept having to slide down the line and give them a little more room! So the number of consignors (I was so confused about the spelling, either one seems to work) ahead of us doesn't always mean that much, there could be a LOT of items/animals/birds ahead of us. And so it seems that this is true this month. We were "lucky" to get there in time to be under the rooftop and not out in the direct sun. 

After we got bird separated, waters distributed, and checked in with the auctioneer, we wander the aisles to see all that there is to see. There's guineas, and rabbits, and silkies, and crested polish birds, and laying hens, roos, and pheasants, and quail, and geese and peafowl. 

We are fortunate to live a mere 20 miles from the sale. So after check-in, we go back home for a moment to eat, rest, pack a chair or two, a few drinks, check for sunscreen, and make sure we have appropriate clothing and some cash in hand. 

Friday auctions start at 4p.m., but today the auction starts at 1 p.m. My hope is that it will be over by 7 or so. In a few minutes we will go before we go, and then head back to the auction, reminding each other most of the way there that we are NOT going to spend money today. Neither of us fully committed to that.

The anticiptation is real. The struggle will be real soon enough. I think we have some really pretty, really high quality poultry today, and I can't wait to see what they bring.

My Cats

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a never ending Groundhog's Day. Of the writing variety. I write and I feel like it's authentic and fresh and it's my life. My daily life. Every day stuff. Then I go back and reread my words and realize that this is just a repeat of last week's blog.... and the week before, and a few days before that. I write about chickens, and goats, and cats and dogs, and my puppy, and my ducks and my Silkies. I write about bantam chickens and "regular" sized chickens. I write about my hot button issues: the poor, the system that works against the poor, WWJD really and my personal spiritual awakening in regard to the my beliefs and where they fall in the whole left/right political agenda, as well as a few hot button issues in regard to kids, trauma and education. Apparently these issues run in a loop in my mind and get spit out in my blog in various ways over and over again. Hmmmm.... 

Know what I don't talk about a lot? My cats. Or I don't think I do. Tonight they are surprisingly giving me a break. There is not one cat jockeying for position on my lap at this time. Surprising. Really, they are usually pushing each other off my lap and out of their way. My baby, Eddie (his name is really Ed Sheeran, but I usually call him Eddie or Ed and sometimes Edward), is usually curled up in a ball on my body somewhere. And lately, the elusive Violet, who mostly hides out in my room or upstairs if we have company, has been sitting with me lately also. She usually announces herself as she jumps up onto the chair with a big "Reee-ow." She rolls her r's. I don't know where she learned that, but she does it. She starts out either on the back of the chair, on the head rest, or on the chair arm, and eventually slides over onto my lap or my chest or my neck. Depending on what is still available. But the time Violet is comfy, Domino has probably made his presence known and calls to me.... "Mom, Mommmmm, Mom!" I usually reply, "Dom... " "Dominooooo." "Dom!" Last night I even had a visit from big Pluto. He is technically my daughter's cat. But the thing is, I feed the cats, so aren't they all mine? Seriously. They love the one who feeds them. They trust me. They talk to me. They follow me. But to some extent, both of my Punky's cats are a little bit skittish toward me. But last night, Pluto sat on the back of my head rest on my chair. As I leaned the chair back to recline, we almost went all the way over, because Pluto is a BIG boy. I'm fairly certain he has some Maine Coon in him. Domino, he calls me "Mom!" and Eddie just like to say "Yeah.... " a lot. "Eddie, what you doing?" "yeah..." and Violet has that high pitched, delicate, "Ree-ow". Pluto, the big boy, has a very small, high-pitched cry. Angel's meow is somewhat high pitched too. Angel doesn't talk much. But when she makes herself known to you, you are supposed to love her. And tell her how pretty she is. 

I love the cats and even the vying for position and snuggling. As winter has given way to spring and now feeling a bit like summer tonight, I don't know how I will feel about the extra weight and heat on me. But for now, I will just soak it up. I love my cats. And they love me. 

Eddie

Domino (and the two little dogs: Maddie and Alice)

Pluto and Angel

Violet

This is today's slice of life. You can read other slices of life by clicking on the big slice and scrolling to the comments and following the links.

Random moments

Life is full of random moments. Sometimes I ponder the moments and wonder.... What would everyone else (in bloggersville) think of these moments? Would they have random ideas and hop down bunny trails like I do? 

"around the water cooler...."

These little guys cracked me up so much here. There has to be a better caption for it than just "around the water cooler." But it sure does look like they ae catching up on all the latest work-place gossip around the water cooler! I just had to snap a photo because my first thought was, "what should this moment be captioned?" In order to be captioned, I have to first capture it. So here it is. What do you see when you look at this photo? Does it make you think there's some secret story being told?

February 28, the day that Duke came home with us.

March 26, it's about 4 weeks later, and he has grown so much! 

So my little Dukey-boy, really he's just Duke, has been with us for almost four weeks. He is a sweet pup, and he's learned a lot. He was about the size of the baby goats when we got them. We got them two days after we got Duke, and they were all about the same size. One of the kids, Lillie, got pretty sick from being weaned too young. The other one, Marlie, took a bottle from us, and so even though she's younger than Lillie (I often call her Lilz), she did not suffer any malnutrition. In fact, she's a chunk. And you'd never know she's a week younger than Lillie. So anyway, the babies are all growing and Duke is growing the most rapidly. He's got the most progress to make I guess. He is needing some correcting and our zappy collar doesn't really zap very well with all his THICK fur. But he feels the vibrate button and doesn't like it. So that is working to some extent. I figured out how to turn it up a little tonight too. 

A sneak peak, or a preview...

and then there is one... 

Not even last night, but the night before already, Monday night, there was this first pipped/zipped egg. I was SO excited.... but alas, you never know about those things found in nature. That little guy has not emerged yet, and there's a pretty good chance he will not survive if he hasn't broken free yet. But then this morning, there was one. 

Minutes later, here this little guy is,
emerging from his shell.

This photo shows three and if you
look at the bottom left corner,
you see one egg that is "zipped,"
of pipped, but all around the shell.

I love, love, love hatch day. This batch of silkies could go to auction as soon as this weekend. Hatch day is like Christmas, you have some idea what's coming, but there's always some element of surprise and excitement. 

These are my three hens. And I don't know if it's just Springtime and mating season and everyone is just crazy or what, but they thought they didn't have to head into the pen for night and would just sleep in the water dishes. When I was putting the goats away and giving them a little hay for overnight, this is where these ladies were. I don't even own a drake. So I know its not something from actual mating activity. But it made me laugh. And you know they had some choice quacks for me when I told them in no uncertain terms that they would "go home." Apollo, the brown one with the white on the back of her neck, is especially vocal and sassy. Well, they all three have their moments, but Apollo has plenty of sass! Last fall we sold almost all our ducks. I can't remember if it we sold 15 of 18 or 18 of 21. But we only kept the three hens. The other brown one, I know she's a khaki campbell. Okay, I think she's a khaki campbell. Apollo, I used to be sure she was a Rouen, and her markings were consistent with that at first. But look at her now. So I don't know anymore about her. But Apollo is my OG girl. She was one of two ducks that we got during the Covid shutdown. And she's currently five years old. Which isn't necessarily old, but it's long past her prime for laying. So it's no surprise that I wasn't getting eggs from her over winter. Then Ivory broke her foot and was in the barn for much of the winter. And she quit laying. So our only layer was the duck named Goose. And when you start a tradition called "French Toast Sunday" and one of your kiddos is allergic to chicken egg yolk, you really need more than one egg layer to keep up the supply! This is probably all more random information that what y'all need, but this is how my brain works, so lucky you. 

I love that we started French Toast Sunday. We usually have bacon and french toast. And sometimes we have eggs along side of that all. My girl with the yolk sensitivity also just doesn't care for the yolk (probably because as a child she would throw up if she ate them). So when she asks me to fry her an egg, she is really requesting egg whites. And I usually do two of the duck eggs fried together into one round fried egg shape. So if we have french toast and eggs, that is a minimum of 8 duck eggs being used, and one layer isn't going to give me 8 eggs in 7 days. 

But we recently switched feed, and with that, egg production increased and currently all 3 girls are giving us an egg a day! That is sort of amazing to me. And we have plenty of duck eggs now! Which makes me happy.

I guess it's time to get this published. Because even though Duke looks like he's half grown, he's still pretty much of a puppy. And he needs to go to bed. He is currently bedding down in a dog crate in the chicken pen. I'm looking forward to the day when he will be mature enough to roam the premises at night. It's fun to watch him growing and changing every day. This afternoon when we were walking around he was discovering smells that were new to him and it was fun to watch him take it all in. I don't know what he smelled exactly, but the little dogs were barking like there was some sort of critter out there. And you never know out in the country. Which also makes me think I should hurry up and get out there. I have this theory (and we have cameras so I know my theory is not all that correct) that the wild things (skunks and opposums and raccoons) will come out more the later it is. So I'm off to get the pup and walk him aroud a little so maybe he'll dooky before bedtime. Get it? Dukey goes dooky. har har har.... 

That's my very random slice of life today.

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Reading Through the New Testament

 Yesterday, oops, no, Saturday, I posted about being an ally. Yesterday I just did not post. The first day since I started that I just missed a day. Anyway, I posted about how my views have changed the more I get to know Christ. And I thought to myself: "What do I really know though?" "What in the world have I learned about this God I claim to know?" And the answer has been slowly coming. Last year some time.... summer time maybe?... I decided to take a proactive approach to my life and the emotional roller coaster that living with long-standing depression takes me on. And I started a little group on facebook that is reading through the New Testament. We are now finishing 2 Thessalonians. So we are clipping right along! 

Our little group just reads the chapter posted each day and responds. So there's not much structure. Especially considering that we don't all read what is posted on the day posted. I have a tendency to lag and catch up, lag and catch up. But it does something for me. This reading of the word of God. 

There are no rules. My mom is one those people who thinks you are not really reading God's word if you're not reading out the King James Version. It's a little bit exasperating. I know that the real, true God inspires me when I read the bible. It's not fake. 

I decided to take on this journey because for December 2023, I chose to participate in a group reading through the book of Luke. One chapter every day, respond to the reading in the comments. And we would finish the book on the 24th, just in time for Christmas. This reading took me through a dark depression and helped me to walk through it. 

Every day was not profound. Some days I read for the point of saying that I read it. No deep or profound thruths were imparted to me. I just muddled through. But all that muddling still added up to something. And I felt a strength returning to my soul. And I know I needed it.

The same as I need this now. Every day is not necessarily deep and profound, although I am awe struck at just how often I do find something deep and profound in what we are reading. Every day I don't see or feel my life changing. But I know it is. I don't always feel like a light and a friend. But I know that when my group-mates post what they read, they inspire me, encourage me, and challenge me. 

I am so grateful for this little venture we are on. Each of us on our own journey with God, and yet, each of us contributing to the walk of our pathmates. All of us seeking. All of us open to hear what spiritual truths might be nestled in those words. 

I am a NIV girl. I like the New International Version of the bible. It speaks to me. Much more profoundly than the KJV. You can give me your arguments for why you are right, and I might smile and nod, but I'm probably going to read out of the NIV today. and tomorrow. and the tomorrow after that. 

But I know God will speak to me. The same as He speaks to you when you read the King James Version. 

Today I am grateful for this small group. This little thing in my life. It helps to ground me. And it invigorates my faith. Thank you Lord for this little inspiration. Thank you Lord for caring for me.

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Being an Ally

 I am an ally. I support my LGBTQ+ family and friends. I have decided to love them unconditionally. Do I totally understand them? No. Do I completely understand how this translates into a biblical view of Jesus and being a Jesus Lover (I no longer want to be called a "Christian," these Americanized Christians make me want to cry, or puke....)? No, I don't have a complete understanding. I have been in a 12 step program for over 37 years. One thing they talk about is a "God of your understanding," which was difficult for me, so I was told to just believe in a God I did not understand. That worked for me. 

Here's a few thoughts.... 

"Be careful who you hate, it might be someone you love." I don't know whose quote this is, but it is profound. My mom once said to me, in her own rigid "christian" views, that someone we know had changed her beliefs once she realized her child was gay. She said it drive home that it was a bad thing. But in my life, it was a good thing. I look at my children and I cannot subscribe to a belief system that tells me to judge them with harefulness, To disown them if they don't "change their lifestyle" or let them know they are headed straight to hell. I don't think fear or threats win people to my point of view. 

When my child first talked to me about their "different-ness," I was not understanding. There was a long learning time there. Years. But as time wore on and I worked through my own thoughts, one thing that kept coming back to me was this.... My child has gone through the scenarios. It's not like they woke up one day and said I think I'll shake things up a bit today so my family will be uncomfortable and people will treat me like an outcast and make fun of me and reject me. They knew what they were facing. This child had come to the place in themself where it was more painful to pretend to be someone they were not, than to face all the obstacles that happen when they "came out."

With the current climate in our nation, there's a lot of be concerned about. My friends who are in some sense part of a marginalized community, any of those friends, LGBTQ+ or immigrants, or people of color, or if they're poor, or whatever the "thing" may be, they are safe here. I will love them, laugh with them, cry with them, pray with them, eat with them, party with them. By party I mean eat trash foods and drink sodas and watch trashy tv or play games or just tell stories. Your freaky weird self is safe here. Because I'm a bit freaky and weird myself, and because I am not God, I'm not willing to judge you. 

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