The cycle of abuse is such a tricky thing. The biggest, most devastating part is the emotional wreckage and the mind games. The emotional turmoil makes it almost impossible to heal because of the damaged ability to trust, as well as coming to believe that conditional love and sudden changes in approval/disapproval are normal. One of the things that I realized after I got divorced was that there was no way my husband could "win" with me, mostly because I had countless conversations with the "experts" (?) in my head on a continual basis. I had been consulting these geniuses (idiots?) for all my life, and they've never failed to keep it interesting, however from real or true their interjections might be. I learned this well from my upbringing. And I hate it when the people I love don't even consult me about what it is that I think or feel because they've consulted the idiots in their heads and they already know. I don't even get a vote. I hate it when I am handed my thoughts, opinions and feelings on a platter and told what it is that I am feeling. It infuriates me actually. Recently I've been told things like: You are angry because of something you think someone else said. My frustration started with the fact that I wasn't even consulted about the feelings I was told I had or why I felt that way. I am not even sure that angry was the best descriptive of my feelings. But my free choice was taken away from me, and I was told what I felt and what I felt those things about. But really I am mostly overcome with sadness. There is no way to win against "the voices." It is almost surely a lose/lose situation, with everyone involved feeling the ripple of the initial splash. This creates fear and sadness. I don't feel like one of the winners today.
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