Constant Chatter

Everyday the chatter is loud, it's annoying, it is exhausting. "Do this... now!".... "Don't do that, do this!"... "You're clever!".... "Ouch! I know what you're saying, clever is not the same as smart!".... "you're smart.... sometimes".... "but I do dumb things"..... *sigh* "I know this....".... "But I'm better than I used to be".... "how so?".... "still weak, still scared, still...." "I have a better life..." ".... that you don't seem very grateful for...."

Something like that, which took a couple minutes to pound out, swirls around in my brain in nano-seconds. All. the. time. All the damn time. Just going back and re-reading it zapped my energy and left me feeling sad and tired.

But this is just surface chatter. It goes on and on and on all day. I escape it at night. Or I am at least oblivious to it in my sleep.

Below the chatter, there's more. These are the voices that drag me into the abyss.

It has been a long, dark summer.

I am waiting anxiously for the school year to start and time to pass and new things to begin. For my energy to rejuvenate and for kids to love on.

The darkness has brought me down. and I need to resurface. I need to purge the sadness, the broken-heartedness, the heavy weight of the decisions made that were the best I was capable of at the time.

Let the re-building begin. May the sun shine again. Today is the day I will rise from the ashes of my past, my choices, my circumstances and face whatever is next...