Slippery Slopes and the edge of hell

Today, the first day, of the rest of my life. Or at least the new normal. What does that even mean?! Well, I guess for one thing, I means.... work. Except I don't have any. Work. To speak of. But the past two weeks of "Spring Break" are over and at the very least, Punky has school. But we all know languishing in a limbo state is not productive. And I have a million dreams to accomplish before summer's end. So here I go. I sit here with my coffee and my sleepiness and my computer. And I dream of the things I could accomplish today. The endless possibilities. But dreams don't pay bills and sitting here scheming won't push me past the finish line. Hell, it won't even force me past the starting line. So I am up, my brain still full of cobwebs and a misty sort of fog. And I am preparing to prepare. This is where I get lost in a hellish sort of detail-oriented organization. This is my morning mental exercise, writing. After this, I'll make a list, which will, in turn, mentally and emotionally drain me. I'll probably be too overwhelmed to find a starting point. Often this is the end of the journey. But I need to press on. For me. For my Punky. For my other daughters. For my students, who are not my students anymore. But a part of my life.

My life changed 3 weeks ago. The day my dad moved on and went from one life to the next. The day that my heartache became a part of every heartbeat. The day the sun stopped shining. For a full 10 days. Until the day of his funeral when the clouds broke and the sun shone through and God's promise showed up in the form of a rainbow.

I know they say that it will get better. And there are those times when I am quite functional. I would almost say, fully functional. But I've been sliding down a slippery slope for a while now. For much longer than my Dad has dominated my life, my thoughts, my every move. For over two years. I have been sliding down the there's-not-enough-of-me-to-do-all-the-things slope. And when you are on this slope, not only is this a very real realization, but you are helpless to conquer the beasts of every day life. And I didn't really go down in a glorious fashion, a landslide or an avalanche. I just kept sliding. Further and further from the ability to juggle everyday life. So my life has been on a slippery slope for much longer than 3 weeks. And if I am going to find some sort of new normal, some sane way to overcome where I am at, I am going to have to keep going. Pushing forward with my grief-stricken soul and my sadness and my inadequacy and find a new balance and some way to feel at ease in this new life. I have to be me. The new me. The sad me. The authentic me. And I have to be a parent and an artist. I have to. For me. For my kids. For the sake of life and it's need to keep going.