A few things....
a few days ago I reached the big 3-5 years of sobriety. I still have a morbid fear of that first drink. And what all it would take away from me. I teared up at the holidays thinking of the hell I put loved ones through when I was still drinking. My drinking career was short. About 5 years. But I broke a lot of trust and lied and cheated and took advantage and tore down and fell down and descended into hell.
One thing sobriety didn't bring was instant maturity. I was not suddenly able to realize that I was the creator of my destiny. All sorts of things that happened to me were not my fault. In fact, pretty much nothing was my fault and everything either "just happened to me" or was someone else's fault. You know people like that? They are not fun people to hang out with. Kinda pathetic. And that was me.
And it is me. This is deeply ingrained into who I am. And I've been on the path to overcoming this for 35 years. I'm not there yet. But I'm making progress. I practice daily. Attempting to take responsibility for where I am and what is my responsibility and letting the rest go.
Cuz the other thing is that I take on blame for all of it. Even the stuff that actually isn't mine to own. And woe is me... I suck and so does my life.... wah, wah, wah....
So I have to practice letting go also. It's not all mine to own actually.
I am preparing to enter the world of work again. Education in particular. I'd love to jump back in. But there's more than just me to consider right now. A kid, without a license, with a job, and needing to get there and back. A couple years ago I would have said, "tough shit kiddo, the mom is getting a job..." but now she's 18 and contributing to the household. She's not holding tight to the ideal of "it's mine" in regards to her check, she helps. A lot. So I have to look at this from the angle to two contributors doing the best that they can to see things through on this little farm and the need for win-win and work-together-ness. Oh boy. This is a hard curve for me.
And I'm still waiting. For disability. It still says I'm in step 3 of 5 of reconsideration. I keep waiting for it to be at 5. It said this would take 3-5 months and the reconsideration date was August 24, 2022. So we have GOT to be at the end, somewhere soon. Sooner than later.
I'm living on a minimum of resources. Food stamps. Kan-Care insurance and a measly amount of child support monthly. But going back to work.... it has to replace these things. Think about this. Will we actually be able to make it? Will I find something with insurance? I need to have insurance and to clear enough to replace $500/month in food stamps. Not to mention we'd really love to have trash service, gas money, vehicle maintenance money (insurance, oil changes, etc.), money to pay our own evergy bill, and homeowners insurance. Crap. That seems like a lot. Like it's insurmountable. Grrrr.
God has promised me over and over and over that He'll take care of me and mine. But I'm looking for transition back to the world of the living and it feels tenuous and precarious. And so, as ever, we're still stuck in a holding pattern.... waiting.
Tom Petty said the waiting is the hardest part. He ain't a lyin'.
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