Sludge

 That's what I call the stuff that mucks up my mind and makes my thinker move slowly. "You're sludging up my mind." Apparently, it's a naturally occurring part of ADHD. Which I am more and more convinced is a part of my make up. Since I am a starter, not a finisher. Since I'm SUCH an empath.... if I don't feel it, I'm not doing it. Since.... procrastination. Because.... anxiety. And so on and so forth. But if my mind is cluttered, and it usually is, the thinking process is slower and less effective.  You know, more muddled. I can express this line of thinking a billion times in a billion ways and still be surprised and harshly judgmental toward myself that it is so hard for me to achieve everyday things in my life. But truthfully, I know that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. And I have to accept the fact that I'm not a lineal (linear?) thinker. I don't think, do, or live in straight lines. I'm a poster child for the ".... and this is why my coffee is cold" memes and stories. 

I poured myself a cup of coffee and then went to the bathroom, on the way back from there I remembered that I needed to move the laundry over, so I did that. While I was there, having taken the clean, freshly dried clothes out of the dryer, I brought them to the living room to fold, but then I remembered.... and the story goes on until I discover my cold cup of coffee umpteen hours later. 

Today's muck list includes but is not limited to.... 

• the death of Toby Keith. Did you know he's not even a decade older than me? This brings up another sad (?) point... 
• mortality. My mortality to be precise. The aches and pains and physical limitations more and more present in my life bring me around to the facing of my own mortality. Ick. 
• coffee. good coffee with a good friend. My llbff (life long best friend forever) sent me a link to try the coffee she loves. I'm also thinking about cold coffee. still in the pot. and in the car in my cup (where I forgot it, duh). and not drinking it. ever. never ever drinking cold coffee. Where did these kids with their cold brewed coffee drinks even come from? Are they really even mine?
• cleaning. Why don't I do more of it? I'd feel better (less muddled) if I did.
• every day tasks:
• laundry that needs folded
• laundry that needs washed
• items of said laundry to donate or throw away
• unloading the dishwasher
• loading/running the dishwasher
• wiping down the countertops and 
• cleaning the sinks
• beating down the cobwebs... I thought the darn cobs were sleeping or in hibernation or something, but the doorway corners and light fixtures tell a different story.
• taking a bath or shower. Simple enough. Except I tend to let it loom large in my brain and let it become monumental.... do I have enough time? Where's my new conditioner? Don't forget to get your razor, that forrest won't mow itself down. Lock up the dogs.... remember what they got into last time you forgot them? Laundry.... did I just use up all the hot water (good thinking Care, really good thinking....)?! Am I even awake enough to do this? All this thinking is making me tired! 
• Nerve, muscle, joint pain. If you're in your 50's like me, this is self-explanatory. But in particular, I'm cautiously optimistic about the PT for the nerve in my left leg causing so much discomfort. (Oh dear God, she's going to ask me to rate my pain with a number, so what is it now? What was it this morning when I first woke up? I'll hafta remember what it is later when I put animals away too). 
• Just vacuum already. 'nuff said.
• change cat litter. This is a chore that is surprisingly much like doing dishes, the feeling of relief and accomplishment is shortlived due to the fact that as soon as it is finished it is racing toward the "this needs done again right now" finish line. Finish line? Ha. There's no finish line, it's a song that never ends. 
• Things that never end. My friend and I were talking about organization and why it eludes us. Well, it's because those people who put things away as soon as they use them and have an organized home, calendar, life.... they never stop putting things away, adjusting the schedule, planning ahead, doing the next task. There's no finish line. 

For some things, such as success and sobriety, I'm so grateful that there's no finish line. I'm so glad that my quality of sobriety isn't measured by someone else's success; someone else's transformation, someone else's new beginning. If it was, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Because transformation is slow with this one. I am not the same train wreck I was 30+ years ago, but I'm still a train wreck non-the-less. How many times have I cried real tears and thought, "why? Why am I not somewhere else? Somewhere farther? Somewhere more? More successful. Successful parenting. Successful teaching. Successful organizing. Successful.... (and the list goes on)..." Today I have to stop and breathe. And think to myself: acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I accept that I am who I am, where I'm at, for whatever the reason, then and only then, am I able to take on the sludge and slow it down and un-muck it up. But day to day... yeah, there's a lot of sludge.