Personally Speaking....

 Personally speaking, there's some things I've been saying a lot lately. One of them is: "... and the hits just keep on coming..." But this is almost always followed by.... "and God is still in the business of miracles." 

Last week saw a plumbing problem and no water for three days. If you've never been without running water, you don't know what a gift it is! But I placed a facebook plea and some one came and fixed it... for FREE! I know parts on this job were not outrageous. But I also know it took more time out of someone's work day than I could have paid them for. Maybe an entire morning? And that labor was donated as well. I asked if I could give them $20 to help toward parts and he said, "You can, but I'll give it right back to you. My wife said this is to be done for free...." Thank you God and the social network of social media for this not-so-small-to-us miracle. I really want to name drop here, but I think the glory should just go to God and good people. And know that the world is still right in some spaces in time. 

Personally speaking, I am realizing that I maybe shouldn't be too hard on myself about the acquiring of animals. It is an inherant part of my personality. But the Punky and I have some big plans for all our animals. We are brainstorming a petting zoo experience at the ole Hippie Chick Farm. People will pay money to bottle feed a baby goat. And let's face it, it is really fun. Those little kids are so adorable, wagging their tails as they suck down that bottle! Rabbit petting and holding. Self-explanatory. So cuddly and cute. Who wouldn't want this experience? Cats.... kittens.... treats for goats.... treats for chickens.... and let's not forget.... a pig. Cupcake, who knows her name and knows the word "treats." Who comes squealing and running, a full-on pig run across the yard to come and see humans. And who is becoming increasingly affectionate to her humans and seems to trust all humans. She has starting sitting down like a dog and occasionally she will stand up on her hind legs to get to a treat. All of these traits are endearing and cute. You should be jealous. For real. The petting zoo experience would help finance our love of all things animal. And at the same time, it would be giving back to the world in the form of an experience to remember and a moment to cherish in a world that is almost always more harsh than it is pleasant. 

Fiscal responsibility. Scary thought. So much harder to do that to talk about and think about. And my car is literally falling apart. A mechanic called it "aging out." My car is aging out. The other U-joint is going bad now. But I did not have the funds to fix it yesterday. I barely had the funds for what did get fixed. Speaking of which... I bought front brake pads. I thought the harsh growl was in the back but I could definitely tell the front was where the squeaking was coming from. Long story short, we had to exchange the front brake pads and get back ones. The squeaking in the front was from the U-joint. Which I knew was going bad because of the other side that we fixed at the beginning of August. I also knew/know that I can drive it a long time yet before I have to fix it. A short digression, but part of this story in a way... Last week, Carolyn calls and says, "my car broke down." She calls back and said her coworker was getting oil. She thought that would fix the problem. But it didn't. She had run it dry. And y'all know what happens then, right? Her engine siezed up. So just putting oil in it would no longer fix it. Nothing would. Nothing will. It's dead. Sad, sad story. (So if you're a prayer warrior, please pray that God, the God of miracles, will again provide a miraculous car for her). This sad story reminds me that I haven't checked my oil in a WHILE. And if your car uses oil, like mine does, this is not wisdom. So I go out and pull out my dipstick. It reads about a 1/2-1 quart low. So I pulled the quart of oil out of the trunk and sloppily spill a bunch of oil as I fill her up. Now I go to check what it read now. But the top of the dipstick is plastic and a piece of it stays in the tunnel(?)/tube(?) thingy that the dipstick sticks in. It just broke right off in there. And I could not retrieve it. I was told it might not be retrievable. By a local mechanic. But anyway. My friend, my circle, my social network friend who makes me feel like I can probably weather any storm because we're a community of people, not just loners, that friend. He fixed my brakes, new pads on the back, everything turned and smoothed and nice and all that. And he got the dipstick problem fixed. And he rigged up a way to keep the tube (whatever the right word is?) closed off until I can purchase a replacement dipstick. A network, a circle, a ripple in the waters of life. A miracle. Miraculously I got paid for a job on Friday and the payment was $70. The brake pads cost $60. And I put a little smidge of gas in so I could make it out to my friends farm. The Punky needed some meds, that is another story and I hope I find time to tell it, but suffice it to say, if you pray for us, she needs some pain relief of miraculous preportions. The new med was $60, but she thought I could fill the old one for $12. A facebook post and a friend sends me the $12. I go to the pharmacy only to be told that the $12 prescription is expired. The only option available is the $60 option. So I say, "thanks but no" and put $8 worth of ibuprofen in my cart. But another friend saw my sad facebook post and messages me about helping with meds. I explain that the $12 med is now $60 and he sends us the remaining $48 we need. Another friend sees the post and sends us $60 to help with car troubles. Now I can actually put in enough gas to get through until Tuesday (payday) and pay for the ibuprofen, a few things we can't do without and the meds at the pharmacy that we desperately need. So much emotional roller coaster riding later, I am overcome with emotion as to just Good God is. And how people are not to be given up on. Because there are lot of good ones out there. Still and again. Good people. A good God. Unworthy me. And miracles. Just wow. 

Most days I wake in a panic about how am I going to pay for.... (fill in the blank). And I fall asleep feeling insecure and afraid. But then, when the rubber hits the road, the miracles happen. I wish I had a better memory for this. Because the living in crisis mode for the birds and exhausting. 

I have a friend who talks me off the ledge on Wednesdays. "Okay, so prioritize, what can you pay with your paycheck? Realistically..." and she walks me through it. Thank God for her. I breathe a little easier knowing I'm not alone. And that it isn't me, I really cannot pay everything on the list with that one paycheck. So.... prioritize. And then breathe. 

This week there was a fun insurance experience also. I scheduled my carpal tunnel surgery (left hand first), and got a bill estimate from the clinic. My resonsibility would be $900+. Wait. What? Yes, the medicare person says, You have a $232 (I cannot remember the exact amount but less than $250) deductible that you haven't paid and so you are responsible for 20% of your bill. Okay.... so why are you not like other insurance and just take the $230ish something and charge me that and pay the rest? Carpal surgery cancelled for now. Until I figure this racket out. And it is definitely a racket. The harder I work, the more there is to pay for. When does the part happen where I catch up and start saving for next summer when my work options are less abundant (as in nil for subbing)? 

I don't know if I mentioned this but I desperately need to pay property taxes. I need to pay somewhere around the $350 mark immediately. Like I had initially planned to pay it on the 1st, but that SSDI paycheck doesn't really stretch like it should anymore. So now the plan is to pay it on the 15th. I'll need to do this again in December. And then again in May. Fiscal responsibility. It never ends. or becomes less. It's always there. Multiplying. 

I know, I know. You "normies" know all this stuff and pay your bills in a timely fashion. But I don't and so far as I try, all I feel is desperation. Not some sort of responsible citizen bullshit. I just feel tired, and desperate. And alone. 

So... the kiddo. Punky woke from a nap one day to having her knee be fine when she went to sleep and her knee being in excruciating pain when she woke up. The ortho doc says this is common. How weird is that. The mri shows floating cartilage pieces loose in her knee. But her insurance ended on her birthday and she is in the appeal process for SSDI. So she has no insurance. No way to get insurance as she couldn't hold a job before this injury but this injury is all consuming. Some days she can barely walk. It's never a "good" day for her knee. At first there were some. Now there are BAD days and less bad days. 

So personally speaking... Jesus has been lacking in my life for awhile. Not gone, just quiet. Quieter than I like. Mostly because I stopped talking to him. I'm feeling spiritually distant. He's started talking to me about growing up financially and I don't really like it. And I'm 58 years old and I have NEVER known how to be a financially responsible human. I don't know why I think that is possible now. But alas. I have decided to give it the ole college try and I'm a little bit prickly about it. Maybe even salty.

But the truth, when I look at it, is that people and God love me. My animals love me. And miracles happen on the daily. And I can't help but be grateful for that. 

Cupcake laying at my feet while I sit in the rocking chair. Is that not the cutest thing ever?!