I like to browse facebook in the mornings and read blogs about teaching. But lately, a lot of what I am finding seems to me to be about piety and tooting ones own horn. There is a certain allure of heroism to teaching. But lately a lot of times I read what people are tooting about and I think.... rich kid problems. I have long been aware that I don't fit in with my peers. And there are a number of reasons for this. One of them is my lack of finances. And a lack of knowledge to change the way I spend money. Don't get me wrong. I've heard people talk and I have seen the books, some of which I have on my shelf. But what I know is that to build credibility with me, you really have to do more than blow smoke. And you probably aren't going to be some author making money off the backs of us poor folk telling us how to gain financial freedom. It really just makes me want to flip you off and say.... "take that!" What I mean when I say that I lack knowledge is that my parents are horrible at money management. And when I was a kid, they were constantly getting bailed out by their parents. A pattern I still hold to today. Ha. I have not had to do this for a while, but yeah, working for $12/hour, paying bills and buying groceries for a kid with food allergies.... I just couldn't make it work. So don't chastise me for not having enough money in savings to pay (what is the proper amount?) six months of bills in case of emergency. Ha. Every month is an emergency. Truth. Have circumstances improved? Most definitely. Do my children have clothes to wear? Yes. But even last year, I accepted (asked for) help clothing my elementary age kid. My parents were happy to oblige. Yay. But you know, they won't be around forever and I live in fear that I'll never get it together and I'll be stuck out here in the real world, not able to cope. "It's easy" you say. "Just do it" you say. Sounds simple enough. And I am pretty good at spotting faulty financial reasoning when it comes to other people, but for myself, well, IF I spot it, it is generally in hindsight. The other thing is that I can at times adhere to a rigid financial budget. But after awhile, I am going to go off the rails. For real. A few years ago, I blogged in a totally different blog in a different bloggyland hemisphere about just wanting to get to the place where I can take my kids out for an ice cream if I want to! I still can't really afford that, but sometimes we just do it. I also know the tricks.... Sonic has 1/2 price milkshakes at night, Braum's soft-serve yogurt cone/cup (gotta skip the cone for the allergic one) is less than $2, happy hour drinks at Sonic, and fountain drinks at the grocery store (about half as much as at the convenience store). Just to name a few. But I also know this.... a trip to DQ for ice cream will cost as much as eating a meal out and could buy groceries for several days unless I am a really careless shopper, and sometimes I am, but most of the time I am a penny-pinching grocery guru, able to squeeze more out of less, and creative in my use of meats which means fewer meats on the grocery list. Three years ago as a first year teacher, I made a scant $1000 a year less than I did last year and yet.... if we still ate the same as we did that year, with meat in the menu, we'd be paying 2 or3 times as much for groceries. And you thought meatless Monday was all about your health. The truth is that we eat hotdogs, mac-n-cheese and convenience foods because we can afford them. We can afford potato chips and hotdogs. We can't afford organic beef and/or organic fruits and vegetables. But as a general rule, I can afford a bag of pinto beans for meatless Monday. Also, grocery shopping wears me out. So after a grueling experience with figuring costs and endless mental chatter ("do we really NEED this? maybe I should put it back? Well, I have to put something back.... not the medicines, we need those. I guess it will be the bag of fresh fruit." *sigh*), and putting things back on the shelf and exceeding the budget and telling the clerk that I changed my mind, I didn't really need THIS item after all, well, I don't have the mental energy to figure out where I could have cut costs and how I could shop at the OTHER grocery store, the one that actually carries the good organic foods. I truly believe in my heart that if we ate more whole foods and less garbage (hotdogs, chips, chicken nuggets, etc.) that we'd all feel better and we'd overcome a fair amount of health issues. But I am exhausted after I leave the super center and they really don't carry the good stuff. They have made it easier to shop for the allergic one, but organics, not-so-much. So if I mentally survive this shopping experience, and trust me, it is almost always an experience, I have nothing left for healthful options from other stores. If I didn't already buy it, we don't need it. That's my motto by the time I leave the store.
So while you are posting on your social media about saving the world while looking down on me for not fitting into whatever mold you've tried to cram me and my family into, we are over here, on the other side of the tracks, trying to survive. And don't get all high-and-mighty about how shocked you are that a teacher in your district qualifies for food stamps. Teachers don't get paid all that much. Believe me, it's more than I've ever made before, but it still is not that much. And we lost our benefits because I couldn't produce a pay stub for my unemployed 18 year old. That's right. We lost benefits because she has no income and they asked for proof of her income. Seriously? The system is jacked up and don't even get me started on the new withdrawal restrictions designed to stop abuse of people withdrawing cash benefits. Yes, unfortunately, I live in Brownbackistan. I did vote and it wasn't for him. But someone did and I personally don't want to hear about how you are going to go out and change the world. It looks to me like you already did, just by your vote. And yet, you can't see the need right here. You cannot see that beneath your pious nose is a world that you pretend doesn't exist except to name-call and wonder why I can't take better care of my children, because it looks so easy from your two parent family home in white suburbia. Thank you for teaching us system-abusers a lesson.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Broken souls can't be reassigned
I have a lot of rants lately. And I could post here two or three times a day. But this is bothering me. And I try to be more middle of the road and less of a fanatical nut, but.... (there's always a big butt in the way).
I believe in God. And I believe in the God of the bible. I don't hold to some of the stuff my parents believe that they see in the bible, but here is what I can't swallow right now. The whole Bruce Jenner thing. First of all, let me tell you this: I love my children. Dearly. My love for my children makes me want to grow up and be a better person. My 10 year old recently told me that she feels like I judge her and it broke my heart. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them all the time, no matter their choices, or how much they are different from me. One of my children recently told me that she thinks she might be transgender. I cried. I came undone. I stewed and searched my soul... and it most likely didn't look like support.
So.... here goes. I am looking at this from my own spiritual outlook, from the point of a parent, and from the point of an addict with a God-sized hole in my soul. That is what I think is driving some (probably not all) of the changes in our society. I have gone from hard-core right wing agenda to a softer, more moderate view. I have come a long way in my realization that I love a lot of people NO MATTER WHAT. I have learned a lot in regard to backing down the judgment. But this one, this one I am still battling. The truth is, I don't know if Bruce Jenner is brave to do what he did. But I think its trendy right now and I also think there is not a lot of research on the other side of the surgery. If you are like me, and you have a giant blackhole in your soul that sucks the life out of you and you fixate on every way you are lacking, then you might find out that after all the soul searching and changing that you still have a hole in your soul that therapy, hormones and surgery couldn't fill. Today I say.... "what if" to people who think that gender reassignment will cure their pain. What if you go through all the hell of hormone treatment and therapy and surgery to find out that you are still broken? What if you can't live with the pain of the rejection of others, with your own doubts about the differences in yourself, with the teasing and hate? What if? What if the pain is deep inside and these things won't fix it?
As a Mom who doesn't agree or know how to be supportive right now, I have so much more I think about and I could continue to rant on and on and on. But this is the bottom line for me and where I am at.... What if you are trying to fill an unfillable hole?
I believe in God. And I believe in the God of the bible. I don't hold to some of the stuff my parents believe that they see in the bible, but here is what I can't swallow right now. The whole Bruce Jenner thing. First of all, let me tell you this: I love my children. Dearly. My love for my children makes me want to grow up and be a better person. My 10 year old recently told me that she feels like I judge her and it broke my heart. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them all the time, no matter their choices, or how much they are different from me. One of my children recently told me that she thinks she might be transgender. I cried. I came undone. I stewed and searched my soul... and it most likely didn't look like support.
So.... here goes. I am looking at this from my own spiritual outlook, from the point of a parent, and from the point of an addict with a God-sized hole in my soul. That is what I think is driving some (probably not all) of the changes in our society. I have gone from hard-core right wing agenda to a softer, more moderate view. I have come a long way in my realization that I love a lot of people NO MATTER WHAT. I have learned a lot in regard to backing down the judgment. But this one, this one I am still battling. The truth is, I don't know if Bruce Jenner is brave to do what he did. But I think its trendy right now and I also think there is not a lot of research on the other side of the surgery. If you are like me, and you have a giant blackhole in your soul that sucks the life out of you and you fixate on every way you are lacking, then you might find out that after all the soul searching and changing that you still have a hole in your soul that therapy, hormones and surgery couldn't fill. Today I say.... "what if" to people who think that gender reassignment will cure their pain. What if you go through all the hell of hormone treatment and therapy and surgery to find out that you are still broken? What if you can't live with the pain of the rejection of others, with your own doubts about the differences in yourself, with the teasing and hate? What if? What if the pain is deep inside and these things won't fix it?
As a Mom who doesn't agree or know how to be supportive right now, I have so much more I think about and I could continue to rant on and on and on. But this is the bottom line for me and where I am at.... What if you are trying to fill an unfillable hole?
Friday, April 3, 2015
The learning curve.... make a mistake only once? HA!
Mistakes are the way we learn. I tell my students this. I try to live by it. I know it is true for myself. And here's the thing for me~ I've been around for awhile, making the same mistakes over and over. It takes time to unlearn bad behaviors. The more times I make them, the longer it takes me to learn new behaviors. I need to remember this in the classroom. I don't know what these children have learned at home. Or in the past at school. It takes time to unlearn learned behaviors. I tell them it is okay to make mistakes. That this is the way we learn. I believe this whole-heartedly in regard to my students. So what about in regard to adults? Here is what I believe. It's a lot of jumble rolled up together, so bear with me.
I believe that, as an adult, and the farther and farther we get into our education as students, we are more and more responsible for our learning and for learning a successful way to do things. But someone once said to me, "some are sicker than others." Don't get me wrong, I don't think my students are "sick." I don't think people are necessarily sick. But I think in life, we just cannot know what people have lived with and learned. And to say to someone, "if you make the same mistake more than once it is a choice" is ridiculous, judgmental, and not something I can support from someone who says they are an educator. What brought this on? Stupid stuff on social media. This sounds like something I don't want my children or my students to encounter. ever. I believe that change takes time and learning takes time. Falling down has to be okay.
I say to my children and I believe it in the classroom: Growing up in public is a bitch. A sponsor said that to me one time. And I see that. I make a lot of mistakes. I don't know how many times I have to be humiliated and make the same mistake over and over. I think the difference between a choice and trying to unlearn bad behavior or learning the new behavior has to do with willingness. When I say, "it wasn't my fault.... " (insert whiny voice), I am not willing to change, and that is a choice. When I look at my side of things and realize that yikes, I messed up again, and that I still have a lot to learn, then I am still teachable. I have the chance to still change. I know I might make mistakes again, but for me, hopefully I'll recognize my mistake sooner and I'll start moving in a different direction. As I move in that different direction, I'll probably make new mistakes, and sometimes I'll probably pull out that old, comfortable, warm-fuzzy mistake because I know it well and it is a part of me. But making the mistake less often and on a smaller scale means that I am learning. My learning curve is not the same as yours. I have a classroom full of students who live in different worlds than others and that have their own bad behaviors and bad thought processes. To expect them all to be the same is ludicrous. So I expect progress. On a consistent basis. Does that mean continuous? no. Do I tend to forget that occasionally in regard to my class, I do. I tend to believe that they should always improve. But my experience says this is not true. We are more likely to need time to practice new behaviors and meet those expectations. *big sigh* I owe some students some love and understanding.
I believe that, as an adult, and the farther and farther we get into our education as students, we are more and more responsible for our learning and for learning a successful way to do things. But someone once said to me, "some are sicker than others." Don't get me wrong, I don't think my students are "sick." I don't think people are necessarily sick. But I think in life, we just cannot know what people have lived with and learned. And to say to someone, "if you make the same mistake more than once it is a choice" is ridiculous, judgmental, and not something I can support from someone who says they are an educator. What brought this on? Stupid stuff on social media. This sounds like something I don't want my children or my students to encounter. ever. I believe that change takes time and learning takes time. Falling down has to be okay.
I say to my children and I believe it in the classroom: Growing up in public is a bitch. A sponsor said that to me one time. And I see that. I make a lot of mistakes. I don't know how many times I have to be humiliated and make the same mistake over and over. I think the difference between a choice and trying to unlearn bad behavior or learning the new behavior has to do with willingness. When I say, "it wasn't my fault.... " (insert whiny voice), I am not willing to change, and that is a choice. When I look at my side of things and realize that yikes, I messed up again, and that I still have a lot to learn, then I am still teachable. I have the chance to still change. I know I might make mistakes again, but for me, hopefully I'll recognize my mistake sooner and I'll start moving in a different direction. As I move in that different direction, I'll probably make new mistakes, and sometimes I'll probably pull out that old, comfortable, warm-fuzzy mistake because I know it well and it is a part of me. But making the mistake less often and on a smaller scale means that I am learning. My learning curve is not the same as yours. I have a classroom full of students who live in different worlds than others and that have their own bad behaviors and bad thought processes. To expect them all to be the same is ludicrous. So I expect progress. On a consistent basis. Does that mean continuous? no. Do I tend to forget that occasionally in regard to my class, I do. I tend to believe that they should always improve. But my experience says this is not true. We are more likely to need time to practice new behaviors and meet those expectations. *big sigh* I owe some students some love and understanding.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
An every day conviction
Every day I resolve to be healthier, eat better, clean up the place, and just get motivated..... every. single. day. But then I engage in my avoidance tactics..... television, check job postings, social media, check the email, check them all again.....
Today I read another depressing article about sugar and the horrors it inflicts on our bodies. Yes, I believe it. I believe that sugar is the devil. But it's what I love. So I'll read about it, research some more, make plans to buy the best groceries, and then I'll wait. Until tomorrow. While I stuff my face with sugar.... fudge, soda, desserts. Getting ready to go to the movie. And we'll have popcorn loaded with butter and we will have BIG cups of soda. High fructose corn syrup. Yum. I know it makes me not feel well, I know that IF I would detox off of sugar, I would feel SO much better. I know it. But so far, I do not have the discipline to do it. I love me some carbs, and some sugar. And if it is known to clog an artery or spike the blood pressure, well, sign me up. And every day I think I am REALLY going to make a change. I am going to do it. Get healthier, feel better, begin the change in our home. And then I find some of that delectable fudge, or get a "craving" for a soda, or feel the need for some chocolate. Maybe better yet I find some greasy burger and fries. Yum. I feel my arteries clogging and my heart is smiling. Yeah, I am totally at odds with myself. My health-conscious self and my greasy, heart clogging, blood pressure raising self. At odds. Today I am ready to head out to the movies, butter up, and drink that soda. Today I know I did not win. Tomorrow the battle will begin again. One day, the healthier me, she will win. And then the change will truly begin.
Today I read another depressing article about sugar and the horrors it inflicts on our bodies. Yes, I believe it. I believe that sugar is the devil. But it's what I love. So I'll read about it, research some more, make plans to buy the best groceries, and then I'll wait. Until tomorrow. While I stuff my face with sugar.... fudge, soda, desserts. Getting ready to go to the movie. And we'll have popcorn loaded with butter and we will have BIG cups of soda. High fructose corn syrup. Yum. I know it makes me not feel well, I know that IF I would detox off of sugar, I would feel SO much better. I know it. But so far, I do not have the discipline to do it. I love me some carbs, and some sugar. And if it is known to clog an artery or spike the blood pressure, well, sign me up. And every day I think I am REALLY going to make a change. I am going to do it. Get healthier, feel better, begin the change in our home. And then I find some of that delectable fudge, or get a "craving" for a soda, or feel the need for some chocolate. Maybe better yet I find some greasy burger and fries. Yum. I feel my arteries clogging and my heart is smiling. Yeah, I am totally at odds with myself. My health-conscious self and my greasy, heart clogging, blood pressure raising self. At odds. Today I am ready to head out to the movies, butter up, and drink that soda. Today I know I did not win. Tomorrow the battle will begin again. One day, the healthier me, she will win. And then the change will truly begin.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Reflecting on sibling relationships
Every day I sit here and mull over the millions of things I could write about and none of them make the grade. Almost every day my blog starts out with "I don't know where to start..." or "My mind is blank." Or some similar phrase. I tell myself that you, dear reader, don't need to know this. That you will just pick up where I come up with something and it will seem "normal" and just were it needs to start. But when I do that, just pick a place and start, the writing falls short, hollow. I can tell you that it is all in my head, and I do somewhat believe that, but when I go back and re-read what I wrote, forcing myself to stop my driveling and pick and point and start, I lose interest. The writing really does seem to fall flat.
Today I saw a million things that I could write about. But the one that warmed my heart, was watching my girls be siblings, playing together and putting aside the age difference to appreciate each other and enjoy their time together. My girls, eight years apart in age, so many light years different, and yet, at times, bonded, woven together by the thread of family. In these moments I realize that blood really is thicker than water, that my children are forever meshed together. Today I witnessed my girls get along, be friends, and treat each other with care and consideration. From the moment that they chose to start running and exploring to the moment when they walked hand in hand up the stairs, this Momma watched in awe and with a heart full of love, running over, full of peace and happiness. Tomorrow this moment may be history, but today, I will revel in the glory of my little family and I will thank God for the bond of sisterhood. I will dwell on this memory as the day winds down. I will end this day feeling the serenity that enveloped us today. I will enjoy this while it lasts, cherishing the moment that will disappear too soon; this rare moment in time, this rose among thorns, jewel among stones. Tonight I rest in fullness that comes from having enough. This family, it is enough.
Today I saw a million things that I could write about. But the one that warmed my heart, was watching my girls be siblings, playing together and putting aside the age difference to appreciate each other and enjoy their time together. My girls, eight years apart in age, so many light years different, and yet, at times, bonded, woven together by the thread of family. In these moments I realize that blood really is thicker than water, that my children are forever meshed together. Today I witnessed my girls get along, be friends, and treat each other with care and consideration. From the moment that they chose to start running and exploring to the moment when they walked hand in hand up the stairs, this Momma watched in awe and with a heart full of love, running over, full of peace and happiness. Tomorrow this moment may be history, but today, I will revel in the glory of my little family and I will thank God for the bond of sisterhood. I will dwell on this memory as the day winds down. I will end this day feeling the serenity that enveloped us today. I will enjoy this while it lasts, cherishing the moment that will disappear too soon; this rare moment in time, this rose among thorns, jewel among stones. Tonight I rest in fullness that comes from having enough. This family, it is enough.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Refreshing
Sitting in the stillness, surrounded by the sounds of morning. My music this morning is the sound of two family members collaborating in the other room solving a Sudoku, the chirping of the birds, the pitter patter of the rain. There is a dreary drudge to the morning, and at the same time a freshness that the rain of Spring will bring. Colorful little wrens on the fences, trees budding and plants growing and greening before my eyes. It is a beautiful sight. I am surrounded by peace, by serenity, by calm. I feel the quiet renewal in my soul. I am overwhelmed with the sense that it is, indeed, well with my soul.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Gratitude
Focusing on Gratitude. I have to say.... I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes I forget how much I have to be grateful for. Then it is time for a gratitude list. So today I will remember the things I have to be grateful for.
I am grateful for my recovery today. I know that in my life, recovery is more than just sobriety. It is about sober living in all areas of my life. When I quit drinking, I really believed that it was true that following steps and doing step-work was just a suggestion. Ha! It IS a suggestion. But if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting! So as long as I continued crazy thought patterns, selfish behaviors, living in chaos.... my life improved only marginally. After years of running on the same hamster wheel, never making any real progress, I finally got miserable enough to start taking suggestions. I started working steps and listening to a sponsor. Little by little, things started to change. My life is not perfect. But my life is improving constantly and consistently. There are areas of my life that are still a shambles. But I have gone back to school and gotten my teaching license, I am making payments on a beautiful HOME for us, I have a running vehicle. I have some debt. Medical debts. But as a general rule, I don't go out and spend extremely and randomly. Today I have the ability to parent my children. I have the ability to think things through, talk to my children and teach them and listen to their questions. For this I am grateful.
Today I am grateful for Spring Break. I love the warmth and sunshine. I love the break, the chance to renew my spirit. I love sleeping in and living on my own timeline and schedule.
I am so grateful that I am a teacher. The teaching profession is really taking a beating right now, and I am even considering changing careers. But I love the kids, I love it when they "get it" and when I can see the growth. I even love writing lesson plans and getting excited about what I teach. I love shaping little minds and expanding knowledge. I love building trust.
These are the things I am grateful for today. This is a slice of my life today.
I am grateful for my recovery today. I know that in my life, recovery is more than just sobriety. It is about sober living in all areas of my life. When I quit drinking, I really believed that it was true that following steps and doing step-work was just a suggestion. Ha! It IS a suggestion. But if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting! So as long as I continued crazy thought patterns, selfish behaviors, living in chaos.... my life improved only marginally. After years of running on the same hamster wheel, never making any real progress, I finally got miserable enough to start taking suggestions. I started working steps and listening to a sponsor. Little by little, things started to change. My life is not perfect. But my life is improving constantly and consistently. There are areas of my life that are still a shambles. But I have gone back to school and gotten my teaching license, I am making payments on a beautiful HOME for us, I have a running vehicle. I have some debt. Medical debts. But as a general rule, I don't go out and spend extremely and randomly. Today I have the ability to parent my children. I have the ability to think things through, talk to my children and teach them and listen to their questions. For this I am grateful.
Today I am grateful for Spring Break. I love the warmth and sunshine. I love the break, the chance to renew my spirit. I love sleeping in and living on my own timeline and schedule.
I am so grateful that I am a teacher. The teaching profession is really taking a beating right now, and I am even considering changing careers. But I love the kids, I love it when they "get it" and when I can see the growth. I even love writing lesson plans and getting excited about what I teach. I love shaping little minds and expanding knowledge. I love building trust.
These are the things I am grateful for today. This is a slice of my life today.
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