The black depression cloud and some realizations

I've been struggling with my depression lately. Not so much of a struggle really, it is overwhelming to me. I have become aware that I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was depressed in elementary school. Who's depressed when they are 8? I guess the answer is me. Maybe before that. I was seven in the Second grade and I remember that was year that I started to realize that nobody liked me. The popular churchy kids didn't like me, the teachers didn't like me, school administration didn't like and well, my parents didn't like me either. If I gauge according to how I felt as a kid, then I probably don't like my kids either. I feel so terribly guilty about how I just check out and don't really focus on them. Which leads me to my next thought... my parents probably had their own depression or otherwise known as sleep-around-and-blame-each-other-for-their-indescretions that they didn't know how to deal with. How do I break this cycle. Obsessing over it my whole life has not made it happen. Having great things happen hasn't freed me. I look at the miracle of my Habitat home and I know it is a gift, not something I "deserve" and I feel so undeserving. Some days I want the black cloud to open up and rain down hell upon me. Many days. Today I feel unsuccessful because I can't beat back this feeling anymore. I don't know how to beat it.

Moving on....

Today is full of questions for me. How do I "move on" and still be accountable for my past and atone for those "sins." I spend a lot of time completely submerged in teaching and in "not feeling"--  being in limbo. I live there because I don't want to feel the pain. But for a long time I have not been able to motivate, laugh, or feel the joy either. My kids are growing up with an absentee parent right here in their own living room. A parent who is so "busy" working on work or submerged in drudgery that she cannot enhance their lives, teach them how to live or love them to the fullest. I still make decisions by default-- not taking any action until someone or something else is forced to make it for me and then I live with the consequences. Thankfully today there is auto-pay for the things like my electric, my house payment, and so on. Or we'd probably be out on the street. I'm grateful I am not the person I once was, but I really want to move on, drag myself out of limbo and LIVE.

Poor me syndrome

I am in the midst of an annual "thing." Do you have anniversaries that are particularly hard for you? Mine is my birthday. I hate it. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts around my birthday and I generally have an underlying feeling of remorse for entering this world. That is the thing that happens every year. I can't stop it. My birthday comes and this inner fog, depression and overwhelming sadness invade me. I can pretend it's not there, which ends up making the feeling grow.  I can nurse it, and feel sorry for me and cover myself in self-loathing that is probably present most of the time anyway. Or I can face it. I realized yesterday that I have been getting pulled down into this mire and dwelling on birthday stuff. I don't really think about how much I hate my birthday, but it is just THERE. All the time. Since we have two other birthdays near to mine, I can't just ignore birthday time all together, because we will get together and celebrate all three birthdays.  God probably did this on purpose, knowing how much I actually hate my own birthday. So I've been trying to figure out how I will "celebrate" this year and yesterday I just crawled into the pity pot and pulled the lid down and had a good cry and rant and a stinky, nasty party. Which brings me to a resentment that I have about a certain someone who's turning 18 and has everything figured out and knows pretty much everything and yet, takes zero responsibility for anything. I hope it is just a teenage angst thing. Because I feel heartbroken, angry, betrayed, and bitter. I feel resentful that she can sit on a high and mighty horse and stare down at me and wait for me to deliver the kind of birthday party she thinks she should get.  My biggest resentment is that I have no money. I can't make her dreams come true in the least. But I also resent the fact that she can't seem to grasp that. She will have a job. She could contribute. But that doesn't seem to be in her plans. Actually I think she plans to walk away from everything and everyone that love her because she doesn't like the way we behave or think. I have talked until I am blue in the face about whether or not she wants to do that in regard to her grandparents. But she is determined. And so....

When my kids disappoint me, I take it really personal. Instead of thinking that they made bad decisions all on their own, I think that it is because I am a lousy parent. So I see this child doing things I don't approve of and living in an attitude that is repulsive to me, and I feel like a failure. I have failed to help her see that life isn't always perfect and imperfect parents aren't the enemy, they are just imperfect. It isn't because I have been so darn near perfect. I haven't been that at all! I thought I had become better at not throwing the baby out with the bath water, the all or nothing scenario. But maybe not. Because it seems that is the example I've shown. And I struggle with my own demons in this regard. I constantly battle the lack of ability to have a good relationship with my own parents and my desire to just stop trying. I don't think it should be this hard. And I think that if I walk away, I'll have more peace, the one thing I genuinely desire in life, and yet....

A bitter pill to swallow

I have been overwhelmed with a million thoughts of late and most predominately I have been thinking that I don't want to talk about it. I know that our secrets keep us sick. But I also think that focusing of what has gone wrong or is going wrong can keep us trapped and I have noticed that it keeps me exhausted. All the emotional turmoil takes a toll on my physical stamina.  Combine that with menopause and it's a recipe for an exhausted, hormonal, crazy lady.

I am trying to distance myself from some of the crazy. Totally not working. Distance is so tricky because it isn't a definitive break. And I am completely frustrated with how it is playing out. Apparently I should not deprive my kids from their sick and twisted, religious-fanatical grandparents. So in trying to keep this option open, I open myself up for endless text messages and the premise that we might one day be friends again. I don't want to be friends. Truthfully, I don't know if I never want to be friends again, but today, I don't want to be friends. I don't want to talk about tensions in my life, real or imagined. So don't inquire. Especially don't inquire just so you can set me up with vague innuendo so later you can cut me down with your sarcasm and bitterness.

Am I bitter? You betcha. I have a few things stored up that I'd like to let rip, but I am trying so hard to focus on the current transgression, the straw moment, and not all the millions of moments leading up to it. But angry, bitter me, she'd like to throw out some zingers herself.

Guess what I heard recently? It is not only not uncommon for grown children to need help from their parents in the financial realm, but it is acceptable and sort of normal. What? I always thought it was just a hook to keep me on the line for in the future. But the truth is, it's time I learned to do without instead of pay the price. And it might be hard for me. But it will alleviate so much guilt and misery! So that is the goal. Do without or do it myself. And I believe I'll be happy with the result. Who knows? I am going to do my darnedest to find out.

I felt backed into a corner and I sent a letter about distance and even describing what that would look like. And then I took my Dad a little something for Father's Day. I also let my mother set up time with my daughter. And now I'm in the midst of constant communication again. And then there was the misguided notion of friendship, which I tried to quash gently, but was received hatefully. But I didn't receive a barrage of hate in return, just one nasty(ish) text. So I guess it is progress. *sigh* I'm really tired. of. all. of. this. I haven't been able to convince myself that I want to cut the cord yet. Yet. I'm closer to this with every hateful message I receive.

Choosing Sides

What I should or shouldn't do.... what I did wrong, what I did right.... the committee is very busy in my head. Whispering to me all my shortcomings. Sometimes shouting. But berating me over and over at whatever volume it chooses. My best friend says that I am the most self-doubting person she knows. Hmmmph. It's true. I do not trust myself to make good decisions. I have been well-trained for many, many years to doubt myself because I question the decisions of people I love and they don't really tolerate being questioned. Which translates into me being wrong. In reality, probably not-so-much. But in my family, that is the way it plays out and often. So often.

The recent debacle was that my parents (bless their hearts) caused a big disturbance during my daughter's graduation party and made things tense and divided. Surprised? Kind of. Was it new behavior? No. (so should I have been surprised? no). I feel like I have hit my limit. But first let me say that at this point, this is only a lose/lose situation. I can continue to let this go on, and I can feel a little smaller and continue to doubt my ability to make sound decisions. I can draw a boundary which will be violated repeatedly (and that is not being dramatic, I am simply drawing on the knowledge I've gained from past experience), and I can draw a strong boundary, and "choose sides" which is where this conflict has been going for a while now. I chose sides. Because the side of sanity is definitely the side I want to be on. And because I don't believe that being "right" equals being happy. I am tired of listening to the pleas of my folks about how they are right. For one thing, experience tells me that this is mostly likely not true and then there is the little tidbit of..... I don't really care. Harsh, huh? I don't really care who is right or why. I just want to crazy, hateful behavior to stop. and it never will. So I choose the other "side." I hate it. And I have tried not to choose for over two years. But I have also been angry and indignant. I am less angry now, and more brokenhearted. I am tired of family secrets. I am tired of the past taking a bite out of my present and dimming my sight so that I feel no hope for the future. I am tired. You can just end that sentence right there.

So I've chosen. And I am doubtful about whether or not it is the right choice. I may never know the "right" choice. But I today it is enough that I didn't make my decision out of hate or malice. I simply made the choice that will allow me the most freedom to grow and change. It will still feel like a losing choice and I will be lonely and sad. But it leaves me with hope. And I am desperately in need of some hope.

Please pass me the plate full of feelings.....

The cycle of abuse is such a tricky thing. The biggest, most devastating part is the emotional wreckage and the mind games. The emotional turmoil makes it almost impossible to heal because of the damaged ability to trust, as well as coming to believe that conditional love and sudden changes in approval/disapproval are normal. One of the things that I realized after I got divorced was that there was no way my husband could "win" with me, mostly because I had countless conversations with the "experts" (?) in my head on a continual basis. I had been consulting these geniuses (idiots?) for all my life, and they've never failed to keep it interesting, however from real or true their interjections might be. I learned this well from my upbringing. And I hate it when the people I love don't even consult me about what it is that I think or feel because they've consulted the idiots in their heads and they already know. I don't even get a vote. I hate it when I am handed my thoughts, opinions and feelings on a platter and told what it is that I am feeling. It infuriates me actually. Recently I've been told things like: You are angry because of something you think someone else said.  My frustration started with the fact that I wasn't even consulted about the feelings I was told I had or why I felt that way. I am not even sure that angry was the best descriptive of my feelings. But my free choice was taken away from me, and I was told what I felt and what I felt those things about. But really I am mostly overcome with sadness. There is no way to win against "the voices." It is almost surely a lose/lose situation, with everyone involved feeling the ripple of the initial splash. This creates fear and sadness. I don't feel like one of the winners today.

Consulting the Idiots

So insanity is having a good run at me today. The pain of feeling family-less is starting to set in and I have a gaping hole in my chest. The insanity I witnessed this past week lives in my soul and I feel like pulling it out and dusting it off and giving it a prominent place in my head/heart. What does that mean? It means that the voices in my head are loud today, voicing lots of insane ideas and if I am not careful, I will believe them. Especially since I am already insecure and heartbroken. The biggest part of this heartbreak is a direct result of my loved ones listening to the voices of insanity in their own head and concocting resentments where there were none, but after all my wrong-doings (concocted by the voices) were aired, now there is certainly resentment and hatred. So please dear God don't let me believe the voices or air any of the insanity the voices bring. Gloom, despair and agony on me. You know what my friends say... "when you consult the voices in your head, you are consulting with idiots." Yep.

Testing....testing...testing

Hi, my name is ___________ and I'm an addict. I'm also a productive member of society today. My society is a pretty small town. So I created an anonymous blog. My user name showing as Nunya Bizniss isn't really my first choice, but I needed to keep anonymous. I am trying desperately to extract myself from some very destructive family drama and lifelong patterns. I want to break these because as many mistakes as I've made in the past and as wrong as I often am, I want to continue on a path to becoming a better person today.  I will practice forgiveness when I need to, and today I will try to be the best person I can be today. I pray that I might be open to God's path. I know good things are on the horizon.