Roller Coaster Ride

I have been reading all sorts of things about May. About Mother's Day. About Father's Day. Tomorrow is mother's day. And I miss my dad more than ever. I think that it may just be an ache and desolation that never leaves.

My parents and I have had somewhat of a rocky relationship. On and off. I have had a long road to forgiveness for things that both were and were not their fault(s). I have idolized them. And I have knocked them off their pedestals. Today I am a puddle of mixed emotion.

A Poem Yet Unnamed

I have not been the pristine daughter.
I have been a rebel,
a fighter,
a hard case.

I have been an accuser
a hornet
an aggressor.

I have been broken,
abandoned,
crushed.

I have lost my parents,
over and over.
To my mind,
my emotions,
my defenses.

I have been indignant,
I have been unrepentant,
unforgiving.

I have been inconsolable.
Broken.
overwhelmed with sadness.

I have made amends
I have let go,
I have forgiven.
I have been forgiven.

I have been up.
I have been down.

Today, thinking about Mother's day,
I am sad.
I miss my Dad.
I miss a fairytale idea of family.
I love my realization of my strange,
weird and funny family.
I accept the bad.
The good.
The ugly.

I am sad.
I miss my Dad.
My defender,
the one who saw the good,
when no one else could.