Turning a Corner

I grew up in a home where anger and rigidity ruled. Conformity was a necessity and essential to survival. I also spent a large part of my young and not-so-young adulthood feeling sorry for myself, building a wall of bitterness, calling out the people who I felt "wronged" me.

Not me. I'm not like them.

Except that I am. Because whatever I focus on, I become.  And I became angry, bitter, volatile, scared, angry, and pressurized. I wasted a lot of my adulthood pointing out my victimization and hurt instead of nurturing healing and forgiveness. I became the thing I hated. It is a sad fact. I regret this more than any other thing in my adult life.

The thing is, I am sad, and yes, angry, that I endured things in childhood that I shouldn't have. But holding that pain tight only hurt me more deeply. And in turn, it caused me to hurt the people I love.

Finally, finally, finally... I came to a place where the anger subsided. I could see. I could really see my family for just who they are. Flawed, broken people who were continuing to choose life in their own brokenness. Their own frailties. Their own lack of a better example. And the guilt and shame that those shortcomings carry with them.

I am awash with regret. With shame. with some emotion that I can't quite put my finger on. As this realization and reality washes over me, I am overcome with the knowledge that I perpetuated shame and sadness in the souls of those I love.

And yesterday. Yesterday I was offered a gift. I had both the opportunity and the right "mood" if you will, to offer an apology. I didn't offer an amend. Because when I offer an amend I ask how I make the situation right. And I didn't do that. But maybe, just maybe, by seeing life for what it really is, seeing others as beautiful souls, and offering kindness instead of judgment, I will be making some kind of an amend. Perhaps when I don't lie about my upbringing, but I don't get stuck on the violence and my own frailties, I will not cause more harm. Maybe. Just maybe.Yesterday I got to say with utmost sincerity, "I'm sorry I was so judgmental, so hard on you." And I also got the gift of being forgiven.