Today I'm speechless about my financial state. It sucks to be so poor. And if you know me, you know that I am never speechless. Never. But I guess what I mean today is that I want to say something and the words and that thoughts get all jumbled up and the attempts to articulate sound something like this, "Uh, I mean, urgh, blah, blippety, well shit! I can't even talk!" Like I'm tripping over my tongue and it gets all tangled up until I find my words, curse words, and then I try again. *sigh*
It's deadline time again. And we are up against a larger evergy bill this month than last month. Maybe because all these fans are tired. Or maybe because of 100º days, day after miserable summer day. I don't know but I'm scared. I'm tired of fighting to keep me head above water. I hate this. I know the government does this intentionally. Drives those of us who really NEED social security and disability to the point of no return and forces us to give in and work when we are far less than capable or forces us to go without luxuries such as electricity and running water and trash service. It's both humbling and humiliating. I am looking at the possibility of going without more of those luxuries. This is maddening and frightening. In specific, I am in danger of losing my electricity. Evergy/Westar needs $448 by the 15th or my payment agreement will be considered defaulted on and then I'll owe over $1000 with no grace and no payment agreement option.
Today is the day to pick up that 1000 pound telephone and make calls to resources. This is exhausting just to think about. The truth is, if I don't accomplish this by a certain time of day, I am too tired from all the fear and anxiety to actually do it. Anxiety and depression are crippling. And this system we have in America is not actually for the working class American, but that is an entire rant all unto itself.
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