Today is the day

 

Today is the day.... 

Hearing this inside my head gets me into a Dr. Seuss kind of rhythm, all kind of Seussy thoughts follow that beginning. 

Of course it all starts with "today is the day, you're well on your way...." and then takes off them there. Today is the day: "that I will clean my room;" "do the dishes;" "work outside;" "make some more wood signs;" and the list goes on. Generally by the time the sing-song-Seussical swirling thoughts subside I am exhausted. I might push myself to do SOMETHING (anything) creative. And right now what is easy is making fun little greeting cards. So I do that with some regularity. 

Today is the day to really turn this emotional, energetically charged, spiritual tide. That's what has been on my mind the most. Good things happen. to me. often. But I'm still drowning in loneliness, fear, ANXIETY, and discontent. I had the most beautiful and amazingly awesome night Wednesday night. For one thing, I saw a friend that I haven't seen for awhile and I did that really bizarre thing.... church. I go for the food, let's be honest. The food and to have one night that has some human interaction. I am not downplaying the significant conversations and friendships I have with my dogs, cats, ducks and one of the chickens. We chat. All. The. Time. Because hey. They understand me. They are my friends. And I live out here where they rule the world. But some human interaction is good for me. So I've gone to a Wednesday church dinner. Twice. These are the people who help me with groceries and getting things from the store and so much more. And lets be honest, I have no comfort zone right now, but if I did, this would be it. 

Let me rephrase. I have comfort in solace. I am alone. And I take comfort in it. My daughter lives with me, and our relationship is better than ever. But I am still alone. It wouldn't really matter how many people lived here. I'd be alone. Because that is the deepest part of me. Alone. Lonely. Unable to reach the other side. The more people-ey side. It is a piece of who I am. It is melancholy at best and a raging beast of sorrow and suffering at it's worst. But always there. And sometimes it is the warm shit-blanket that I comfort myself with. Sometimes it just is. And sometimes it is barley noticeable. but always there.

The loneliness can overtake me and I think it could in some lifetime gain the power to be fatal. But it is also just there to motivate. to make me say.... "today is the day... to overcome this stagnancy, this feeling of stalling out, this...." 

Oh, I got lost. Back to Wednesday. to church. to amazing freedom when I had a moment of freedom from this current situation. I went to church and I talked to God, and He to me. That is always good. Not always happy. But always good. And then I received an email (I know, I know.... don't check your email in church...). It said, "your evergy payment has posted." And you know what? It was an amount that covered my entire bill for this month. The bill that must be paid by the 15th or I'm in deep doo-doo. That one. And this HUGE (I mean H.U.G.E.) boulder came off my shoulders and I was free... free to laugh, free of worry and fretting. Free. It felt SOOOOOO good. 

But there is much to stew about and not that much to rejoice about. So it was short-lived. This freedom. But let's face it. I need to let go of more worry, focus on more good stuff, and live in the freedom. Allow it to transform my heart, to overcome the fear. So here I go, because today is the day. Today. Me. I will try freedom today and I'll enjoy any and every second. if it kills me. But it won't.

Who knew that there is a facebook group called "dance in the sun"? Or a page? Not sure, but that is where I found this picture and it made me happy and I'm now a follower.