I find myself stumbling with my financial status. Because it is basically nil. I have no income. And as recently as two years ago, I had a respectable income. I am having a reality check though about the fact that I didn't even know I had a respectable income. And I have been going through a whole mess dealing with my life today....
I have a lot of causes. I'm trying to single out the one cause/problem/situation that identifies and sums up what I'm facing and the soap box I'm currently standing on. But it is a jumbled up mess of many different failings in the American systems of status, income, class, work ethic, and I usually sum it up with the phrase "poor shaming." But it is bigger that any little wording or phrase. It is a jumble of systems. The whole status of independence and class. If I could have a dollar for every time someone who didn't understand my situation said to me.... "but at least you are not relying on the government...." "doesn't it give you a sense of pride to know you are out from under the system?" (and so on....)
No. No it does not give me a sense of pride when I get a raise at my job but lose the amount of food stamps and childcare subsidies that equal the dollar amount of the raise. I didn't get ahead or gain anything after all. I didn't gain more time with my children, I didn't gain more financial freedom or less worry. When getting an exact trade off for my time and effort, I feel hopeless. I feel like the government that tells me that I need to be independent just took and hammer and beat down my pride for the extra time and effort I put in and that time and effort could have been put into raising my children or sleeping an extra hour and combatting the sleep deprivation that accompanies single parenthood.
I often jump on the Poor Shaming box. It's big and I have a ladder. So I climb up on it. I've always been on this side of the tracks. Even when my adjusted gross income on tax forms said otherwise. You can take a poor girl out of the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl. One thing about that is that poor people are generous. It's just money. And poor people (from my point of view.... I'm the only poor person whose head I have been in) spend money like they don't need it. And there are reasons for that. A couple reasons I have discovered in regard to my reckless spending habits are this: 1) spend it before it's gone, and 2) get the things you need because you've gone without for so long. These two reasons are inter-linked. But separate. My friends that haven't gone without feel free to comment about my spending. In particular, I'm thinking about my income tax refunds. The consensus seems to be that I should put the money in savings and spend it as needed. To be honest, I feel like this is laughable. I also feel like I already do that. Starting when the money runs out in the spring.... could be March, could be May, depending on when I received my return, how big it was, and how much it had to cover..... we start making an imaginary list for the next spring. Back pain that can't be overcome? Need a new mattress. Sorry, gotta wait for our return. Need major car repairs or a new vehicle? Gotta wait for the return. Need to update the wardrobe for work or networking or because of a change of sizing or just out of clothes that aren't threadbare? Wait. What about getting vet care for the animals? tax return.
So I ask.... is it really reckless? or is it that we've been waiting and saving up needs? That we've already gone without?
The part about spend it before it's gone.... it's a really weird concept. Because everyone knows that the faster you spend it the faster it's gone. And that is a truth. So I prioritize my needs. And quickly spend it. I have ($5000) and need a new heating system, lots of little maintenance and upkeep items and more. And I know that this money is going to sift through my fingers like fine sand. So I "hurry up" and spend it. Before it is gone. It's a weird and very deep thread. It's unexplainable to me. Knowing it is not the same as having power to change it. Arrrrrggggghhhh!! (that is pirate speak for things I should not put into print).
So there is the basic self-sabotage that happens when one has learned to live without. Because there is this breaking point. And when you have a tax return coming, it helps keep the dam from breaking.
But in the mean time, it doesn't stop the judgment. Judgment in the store because we have food stamps. Judgment because said ebt benefits should not be used to buy candy and soda. Because the tax-paying citizens of this country don't appreciate us living off their hard earned taxes and not taking care of our health. Judge away. The tangled web of poverty is subject to a lot of oppression through judgement and limits of spending and money. One of the things I hear when citizens don't know I'm on the other side of this line is.... "I don't care if those people get food stamps, but they should take better care of their bodies and use those benefits to buy healthy foods...." And these same ones think that we get too much money and that even though they want less government control on their spending they should be able to dictate what those who receive these benefits should be able to buy with them as well as how they should get out of the situation they are in. It's a vicious cycle of poor-shaming and class prejudice. Much of it is perceived and not based on fact. It's oppressive and runs the cycle by shaming the poor and crippling them mentally. Not to mention, this "healthy-living" they speak of, is expensive. But those of us who can't afford the movies or vacations or weekends away to rejuvenate, we use our food stamps to fund movie night, to keep our candy stash up to date, to buy two liters of Coke because we don't have cash to get that $.99 fountain drink in the afternoons. We use it to boost our mood, to keep from giving up. Because we know we are going to eat a lot of hotdogs and deli meat when we can't afford steak and whole foods.
As you know, I'm on the long journey in the way of disability and SSI. It's devastating to the mind and spirit. The body is already decimated, so there's that. Yeehaw. We all know that this is a never-ending conversation and that my soapbox on the concept of Poor-shaming/broken system is a passionate hot-button of never-ending subject matter.
Last month I had the privilege of blissful joy finding out that someone posted my entire energy bill and even left a credit toward this month. My heart felt light if only for a brief time. It was a precious gift. Thank you.
Currently we are facing: evergy bill of $347.20; phone bills: straight talk (we use the $35/month plan); animal food (see slide).
Any help is appreciated. Also, I am selling some things and that money so far has gone to put gas in a vehicle and keep our animals fed. Check out my cute greeting cards at $4/card or 4 cards/$15. I have farm fresh duck eggs for $4/dozen. And tiedye. If you want tiedye you can hit me up and I'll let you know what I already have in your size or you can prepay and I can dye something for you.
A link to more of my creations
Here is the "ways to help" information.
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