1000 pound phone

 I first heard of that 1000 (or 5000) pound phone when I was new to recovery and trying to learn to call a sponsor. But in more recent history it is more generalized-anxiety-disorder related. The thought of calling helping agencies is somehow the scariest thing in the universe. So. freakin'. scary. And the evergy bill is due the 14th. I haven't reached out to any agencies yet. That is called foolishness if you know how the whole thing works. Nothing ever happens as timely as you might think it should. So.... I just keep praying for a miracle of the proportion we received last month. Which somehow in my mind cheapens the whole thing. It's like expecting someone to bail me out because I didn't have the courage to heave that heavy-ass phone up to my head and make the calls to get some help. I hate it. The phone, that is a scary beast. That is in part why I always say, "don't call if it could be a text." for realz. You know the whole idea of "a meeting that could have been an email..." Yeah. don't call if you could put it in a text. I don't answer calls anyway. I have the thing where it "translates" your voicemail into a typed message. Okay, that can be entertaining to read, and some of the names it comes up with.... ha. But what I'm saying is I'm going to READ your message whether you leave a voicemail or whether you text me. Oops. I think I got off track again. I was going to talk about how I don't call. Oh yeah. I don't. If you're my kid, I probably ACTUALLY missed your call. But extended family.... sorry Mom. I watched it light up and waited and text you back saying something to the effect of "sorry I missed your call, what's up?"  

This is somewhat what that 1000-ish pound phone looked like early in recovery.

I'm days away from breaking my payment agreement with evergy. That should frighten me into begging from churches and agencies that help with this sort of thing. So far, I'm still finding the phone heavier than the heaviness of the fear of not getting that darn energy bill paid. 

By the 14th I need: $347.20 for evergy. Information in the slide....

By yesterday I needed $35 (Okay, it's like $39 after the fees and whatever) for the phone, and Punk's phone bill is due by next Friday, same deal. You have to message me and I'll give you the sign in details so you can access my straighttalk account. But you might be better off just buying a $35 card and then putting it on my account. My friend paid this bill ONE TIME, and her card keeps getting charged. It's aggravating.

And the doggone cats think they are hungry. I can't decide what to do about that. I gave them the cheap stuff this morning. We'll see how many diarrhea piles and puke piles are laying about by tomorrow morning.... sigh. Yesterday I made them scrambled eggs with cheese and tuna. Not good enough. They ate some of it. But my outdoor cats. They would have LOVED that breakfast! There would not be leftovers. In fact, I gave my indoor snob-cat rejects to the outdoor momma cat. 

Back to the phone. it's a legit phobia, fear, anxiety-thingy. Fear of talking on the phone. ugh. Ironically enough, even when churches or other organizations tell me no, they just say, "no." Or maybe, "no, I'm sorry, our funds are depleted." or something nice like that. Not a one of them has said, "no and I hate you." So what's the big deal?! Well, it's hard for one thing. humbling. And involves humility and an acknowledgement that I sincerely have NOTHING. So that is a valid part of it. Grrr. no fun. But no one said everything would be fun. Right?