I have become quite dependent on the kindness of other people. Not 100%, but approximately 2/3 of the financial needs we have monthly we are outside of our (my) ability to meet them. In the faith department, well, my faith in the goodness of the people I come in contact with, has grown at the least ten fold. So this makes me happy and I feel like emotionally I have grown to the point I no longer know how to address my old self. One of my children is completely like holding up a mirror to the soul of my younger self.... from all those years ago..... or, you know, like 5 years ago. Or just yesterday. That self.
It's the norm around here to not know where money to pay bills will come from and to be painfully aware that there's no such thing as "wiggle room" around here in regards to keeping afloat. I am NOT complaining about this, just waxing prose-etic about the world I currently live in (har-har... get it? poetic? only not. It's prose....)
Earlier in the summer I had to rely on social media to spread the word about a need for moving some air in my house. And people were generous. New and gently used fans were donated lickety-split. Yay!! And thank you. We used them. One of them we used to death. It died. Waaaaaa! And sadly, we need more of them. At the VERY least, we need to be able to replace that one that we've been limping along without for the past 6 weeks or so. We have discovered that life inside our walls is uncomfortable and inconvenient for the two people living here. But that when we have guests for the evening or guests for overnight, it is more than uncomfortable. Closer to unbearable. I keep imagining that I'll suddenly have the ability to just buy a couple more fans simply because we need them. This is a little bit funny. Why would we have the financial resources just because I was able to identify a need? I do not know.
But if I humble myself and share my need, will my burden not be cut in half? Hasn't experience taught me that my worries are not nearly as heavy when I allow my friends and family to help should them? This is truer for my life now than ever before. I really am learning this. From the inside out. I was battling some of what I call "black energy" in my life last night and in regard to the needs we have that are neither insignificant nor hugely expensive, and there is a piece of me that knows that once I put it out in the universe that we need this stuff, the universe will bend heaven and earth to meet our needs. I also know that some will continue to see it as shameless begging or more likely shameful begging. Today I say, "I don't care, I am a humble soul, not a perfect one, and not an independent and prideful one...."
We need a few things and I am going to put them on a slide and insert them into this blog post.
I was talking with the one who lives here with her mother.... and also to my sister, my soul sister, Sara Jane.... about the following.
I am on the verge. The edge. The cusp. of greatness. Of Artistic Greatness. And I really believe one day, one day before the current calendar year ends, I will be drowning in rewards of my labor and my artistic craftiness and creative genius. When I post, I can hear the arrogance. But alas, read it without bias and it does not seem nearly as arrogant. I am merely trying to speak into existence this feeling, this swelling, that I have in my heart. And you know what. Amen to that Mother Fucker. Amen to that.
P.S. I have a child with nothing. Nada. Zip. Zipperrooney. Zippo. Nope. Nothing. Said child was put in a position to move out their situation and save their own life without anything. This kid needs clothes and shoes and snacks and wall decor and more....
Please assist. Large or small assistance, material donations, cash donations. It all means life to us right now and we are already soooooo grateful.....
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