Life, like shit, just happens. And happens. And happens. And lately, well, I've had enough. A year and a little more ago, when I first got my disability, I wondered how long it would be enough. And now I know. Because of the graciousness of other people, we've survived the last couple months. But the reality is that the needs keep piling up and the resources keep dwindling. I did it. No one else. I made the decision to move to this place in the middle of nowhere where our circle was 30-45 minutes away at all times. And I wonder, what was I thinking? I know what I was thinking, I was thinking we'd build a circle here. I thought it was going to be this great and wonderful God-thing where we live in this great community that we become immersed in and are taken care of. The reality is this, even if I had been as much of the socialite that I dreamt of being when we first moved here, breaking in to a community takes time. It takes time in the best of circumstances. But the community didn't exactly embrace me and my reaction was to thumb my nose at them. This can be crippling. First of all, I knew I was mentally and emotionally in dire straits. But I held an unrealistic belief that I could and would overcome it because I said it was so. And sometimes sheer willpower and grit is enough. But this time it was not. I was too far in the pit to dig out on my own. Emotionally. Mentally. I just wasn't sharp. I was trying to teach and I was scattered. It's painful to admit. I know in my heart that I was a good teacher at one time. But the last couple years, the pit was just too deep. I was that little gerbil, running as fast as I could on that wheel and ending up at the exact same place. The loss of my Dad was brutal for me. The decline of my relationship with my kid was baffling, overwhelming, debilitating. The new school, dilapidated dwelling, new grade level, new expectations. There was not one area of my life that could be run on auto-pilot. And I was not 100% in any area. It's not an excuse. But it contributed to the lack on connection.
Fast-forward to now. My kid is mine again. We but heads. Often. Because she is a lot like me. And she also thinks the world revolves around her belly-button. Which is also one of my most endearing qualities (haha). So we still struggle. But we have found each other again. And that is huge. I am so grateful. And I know that if you ask her, my kid would say that she is grateful too. So... progress. Progress that makes all the hell worth it. But there's still fall out. Fallout from my career going down the toilet, from not being able to work due to disability. The tearing down of my self. Of every thing that made up the substance of me. Destroyed.
Slowly, I'm working to rebuild whoever it is that I think that I am. A farmer maybe. A teacher maybe. (definitely in some light, in some life, but to what extent?). An independent woman. Because I know that no one is coming to my rescue. It's empowering and infuriating at the same time. I can sit here overwhelmed by my life (I do that) or I can get up off my ass and save myself. Because I'm not likely going to make things worse. So I might as well just jump in and try.
Life happens. A community of friends help. But I'm struggling to build that. Because I'm still overwhelmed.
No comments:
Post a Comment