Navigating the destruction of a relationship ending....

Relationships are confusing for me. The ones that burn hot and intense, they are intoxicating and addicting for me. But they're never good for me. I'm just not good at relationships, at "love" (whatever that means anyway). Because I want the hot and heavy. But I also want forever and happily ever after. I want the best friend and the fairy tale. I want it all. 

Some things I learned in my last relationship. "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me". T-swizzle knows what she's talking about. For me, somewhere in the relationship, comes a disconnect.  Like I want communication but I freeze and can't communicate. I hate that. But I have to own it. It's mine. "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me." 

But then again, it's not all me. Like wanting communication. I am not good at it. That's true. But it doesn't stop me from trying. over and over again. 

Every time I thought, "this just isn't working out...." I would then think, "Maybe it's because you didn't communicate." So instead of saying Good bye, see ya later, I'd say, "let's talk about some things...." and I tried, tried like hell, to speak precisely, and clearly. Not too soft, because I tend to talk in circles sometimes when I don't want to hurt feelings. These days text communication is the way to go. Well, it's a way to go. It's my preferred method of communication. And some things *may* have been expressed through text message instead of face-to-face. In my defense, with text, I can look back and try to figure out if I was clear in my communication or not. Also in my defense, I can use the texts to help attempt to craft conversation. But conversation. That was largely a joke. Which was a blessing and a curse. Okay, so sometimes conversation is difficult for me, so by default, the lack of conversation can be comforting. This was one more catch-22 situation in our relationship. It was comfortable. Even when it was silent. Or especially when it was silent. But comfort didn't further an open, caring relationship. The kind where you tell each other shit. All the good shit. Or the bad shit. and the in-between shit. All. the. shit. 

Was it wrong to want more? I wanted friendship, conversation, companionship. I also wanted freedom. Freedom to do as I wanted. To be alone when I wanted to. I also wasn't that interested in sex. Which seemed to me to come down to not wanting to be lusted after. I wanted more. Which I never got. I got "you're so hot baby," "You hot, sexy momma....," "You know what I want... (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)." But what I wanted was conversation, laughter, wined and dined, and to KNOW that it was a bigger attraction than just sexual. But the truth is, I'll never know if my theory was right. I'll never know if the attraction would have come back because I never got what I wanted... the affection and friendship I craved. I might have ended things anyway. I might have found out that Taylor really is right, that "it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me..." and that the attraction for something physical would never come back. Whatever the reason, I feel like a terrible person. I do really feel like it's me, I'm the problem. But the truth is, it was not just me. Could it have ended differently? It could have. But it didn't. And that is not just on me.