I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna talk about it. Which is probably a good reason to talk about it. What is "it"? Extreme Poverty maybe. The state of my life maybe. Depression and Hopelessness maybe?
I'm not sure I have the right words. I'm sure I have words. I am a wordy girl. I always have some sort of words. But are they the "right" words? Do they accurately express my thoughts? Are they socially appropriate? And when did that become a factor anyway? Social appropriateness and acceptability are not usually factors that carry much weight in my quest to purge my soul or at least empty the rattling in my brain.
Let's start with hopelessness. It starts with a story. or maybe two. Some stories to preface the current hopeless state of things. Hmmmm....
In June, our shitter was full. Not super surprising because we've lived here awhile now. But emptying it out takes funds. Which we don't have. We've just been strapped this spring and summer. Every month I think I'm going to figure out how to make the money last all month and every month I'm sorely disappointed that it just doesn't. A thing that happened was having to pay car insurance. Because I am single now and having to pull my own weight. Yeah, okay.... this sucks. And adding another driver. Because back in the day.... not that many days ago really.... remember when I was a constant beggar? Remember when we lived off the kindness of people who don't get recognized here? When I still didn't have my disability and so we had a pittance of back support still owed for Jadyn that we received. I think it was $240/month. And that was basically it. And once you tap your local resources you cannot use them again for months. Some places it is 6 months, some places it is 18 months. So I was literally begging for people to pay my every bill each month. During this time, trying not to become homeless and to keep the luxury of electricity, I let liability insurance lapse. Yes, it's illegal to do that. But I didn't feel like there were other ways to go. During this time, my youngest child hit a parked car in the pouring rain. She lost her license for two years. Two years is up now. And we're trying to get her license back. One thing we have to do is carry SR-22 insurance for a year. And it ain't cheap. And to tell the truth, at this time, since we are still a one-driver household (I'll probably talk more about that later... so many stories to tell one big story), I would forego this if I could. But in order to get my kid's title released by the state, we have to prove we have the insurance. So I'm paying a policy that covers two vehicles and while it's liability only, it is also carrying SR-22 on a vehicle that the insurance was allowed to lapse on which the insurance company frowns on and makes you pay your due diligence for allowing that to happen. Yes, you translated that right.... more money. High risk is what they call me. This is how poor people become poorer. I don't think I'm special or singled out in any way (well, I DO think I'm special, but that should be left unsaid), I think the rules are the same for everyone. But for those of us who fell behind because of financial hardship in the first place, it seems like an unfair strike to take more money when we try to set things right. But I don't make the rules, I'm just supposed to follow them.
Starting in May, I've been paying this additional $300 something a month. This comes out of my whopping check of $1545 per month. Also, now that we're receiving an income (vs. NO income), we're paying our home owner's insurance again. It's about $235 per month. And you know, if I lapse my policy, I'll probably have to a) change provider's again and b) pay more money again for being "high risk." So we're trying like hell to pay this every month. We means me. But don't misunderstand me. It's a family affair. The kiddo who got into this jam (over two years ago now), she pays half of the insurance premium out of her financial aid loans. So now I have a new worry. Is my child getting in over her head with too much debt from school loans? *sigh* I don't know, maybe she is. But the only hope we have of making ends meet or at least trying to make them meet, is if she contributes. Ultimately it is me who is responsible to pay for all our expenses.
Let's talk about Evergy. We are not a low energy household. This is something we could make some gains on if we're diligent. I think we need to make a stronger effort. But reality is that the electric bill runs about $300. There's a couple months that it's less, that it reflects less AC or heat, less use of water which is pumped using electricity. But that bill is about $300 a month. Last month it was $293, and this month it's an even $300.
Now we also have gas and groceries. Some crazy chick moved out to Burrton of all places to be amongst the wildlife and things. And it's 15 miles from anywhere. Fifteen miles to Hutchinson, nineteen miles to Newton, and 22 miles to Maize. So when kiddo enrolled in school five days a week, it meant that there's about $50/week needed for gas. And said kiddo has contributed some toward this, thank goodness.
Did I mention internet? It's $75 a month on a good day. But really it's more like $85 after taxes and fees and fees and fees. Can't live in the middle of nowhere without internet. Streaming, and job applications, and emails, and just about every kind of communication is dependent on internet. Ideatek is putting in wired internet in the area, it's a matter of time. And I believe (but I don't actually know) that our internet will go down then. But we'll see if that's true when something actually becomes available in this area.
People! Mostly I've just laid out a few finances and whined a little, but I'm already exhausted! This is why sometimes really long blogs just get cut off. They just abruptly end when the story is obviously not over. It wears down my mind. Which is currently a constant battle. Being destitute is exhausting. It is a constant stress and my brain is continuously rolling over thoughts of how can I possibly make things better with the little bit I have to offer. It runs on high every waking hour and I shut down multiple times a day due to the strain. Maybe I sleep, maybe I force myself to draw a card, maybe I watch tv (streaming services) and maybe I play a mindless game on my phone. But my brain gets fuzzy and my thoughts aren't clear and I literally cannot intelligently form a sentence. I have to hit pause. Because I'm clearly overwhelmed. I wonder if this happens to everyone? I think I have some legit reasons for this. "Just" the overwhelm of it all, that is legit. But there's also menopause. I never really understood the sort of hellish chaos that menopause wreaks. Hot flashes, that was a special journey. But now that they are gone (mostly... knock on wood, fingers crossed....), there's this lingering fog. The mental fog is strong with this one. I'm certain there are other factors... depression, depression meds, anxiety, nutrient deficiencies in my body, and the list goes on.
Back to the heart ache of paying out more money on my pittance of a check and our shitter being full. So along comes June and our shitter is full. Yep. And no money to change this situation. But one of my children helped me out and sent me the funds to have it emptied. Good to go. Right? I mean, we've been here four years and only had it cleaned out now. But along comes August, and damn if the toilets don't stop flushing again. Imagine the luck... now we've got something causing the toilets not to flush. Maybe tree roots in the drains? I call the sewer guy to get an estimate. He suggests that while I'm on the phone with him, I go look and see if the septic is full again. Dammit, it sure is. What does this even mean?! Well, his words were, "for whatever reason, it is not able to keep with the action in your household." Really?! I guess. We added another occupant at the end of July. But this is a bigger issue. It means that our lateral lines are not keeping up and getting the grey water out of the septic faster than we are creating the matter in the first place. This means that ultimately, we need new lateral lines. Not a cheap excursion. I'm wracking my brain that think of who I even know that would be capable of this kind of work, let alone that I call my friend that might do some sort of charity or payment plan (because someday blood WILL come from this turnip?!) or wheeling and dealing of some sort. So this is the goal. Getting new lateral lines or as the sewer guy (who shall remain nameless) said, "adding onto" the lines in order to circumvent zoning regulations? I don't even know what that means, but I think it means that some ways of fixing the problem should probably be kept hush hush. So I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm scare to even call for an estimate because I know it's dollars and dollars that I don't have and don't anticipate having in the amount of time I have to find someone to fix this. There are some preparations I can do that cost considerably less. These things are not solutions, they are bandaids, and though they cost much less than the whole replacing of the lateral lines thing, they would still be an expense. I think at Menards we're looking at spending between $150 and $300 dollars. This would however, give us some breathing room. The obvious solution in August was to have the septic pumped again, so we did, and through the generosity of some friends who I would call "Jesus followers" because I have grown to hate the word "Christian" we were able to have it done in a timely manner. But guess what? Shitters full again. Yep. We are in dire straits again. Going to the store to window shop so we can use the restroom when we're there. Oh yes, that is real. And we're trying the "if it's yellow, let it mellow...." but in all honesty, we should have started that little thing the last time we got it pumped out, we're on the tail end of being able to flush at all now.
On another topic (and yet... still about money), my insurance decided I no longer qualified for the Medicare Supplemental Medicaid/Kancare assistance. It put me on a "spend down" insurance. So I am now receiving medical bills out the wazoo for the past 6 months that I was on this spend down account. And trying to make things right with people who are running their own struggling small businesses and can't make it when people (or insurance companies) don't pay them. During this time, I was still receiving the benefit of a grocery allowance on my supplemental insurance that allowed us $244/month for groceries. But at the spend-down time ended, I had to change supplemental insurance companies and no longer received the $244/month for groceries. Also, premiums began coming out of my check. As they missed the first month, two premiums came out of my last check. Leaving me somewhere in the $1100 dollar range for my paycheck.
So as we seem to have less and less money to live, we seem to be having more and more emergencies to tend to. Some days I want to cry, to scream, to give up. Some days I know we will figure this out. Somedays I don't have the energy or mental clarity to care. Just trying to hang on and get through the day. But I know that if it is going to work out, God is going to have to reach down here and help us. Whether that is a skin-on kind of gospel, working through real people; or whether it's angels moving heaven and earth in a behind the scenes way; or whether through the prayer of people who love God will just attach me and our little farmstead to their prayers; somehow it has to be a God thing. There's no other way it can possibly work.
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