Crazy liberals and lunatic republicans....

Oh. My. Goshness. I have soooo many things on my mind that I'd love to jump up on my lil soapbox about, but I'll try to get some sort of focus. I've decided to "out" myself. I'm a midwest girl, raised on guns and Jesus. And what's mine is mine and not yours. For as long as I can remember though, I've been a bit of a bleeding heart. I don't want to try and cram my entire life's story into one blog post, but some background information may be necessary. I know most of you all know me and many of you know what kind of a hateful terror I was in high school. There was not enough to numb my pain. Enough of what you might ask. The answer is yes. Not enough fast cars, loud music, violence, drugs and especially.... alcohol to kill the pain that was buried deep in my soul. I hated some of you for caring, I hated the rest of you for not caring. I thought that no one knew my pain and that no one was smart enough to raise me. So I kind of raised myself. Not for lack of trying on my parents' part. But I was determined that "you can't tell me what to do...." and the answer to that is also yes. Who is you? My parents, the schools, the caring souls from church, whoever you were, you couldn't tell me much. And when I miraculously got sober at a young age.... 19, not even legal yet, I joined that club with a fight too. Don't tell me how to get and stay sober. and so the story goes on. Cuz I'm hard headed. 

I was raised red. Conservative. Right-wing. Republican. through and through. To the tune that I believed that people who I counted in my circle who didn't believe the same as me, I thought they weren't actually Christians. I thought that if you weren't religious right to the point of being a little unhinged that you weren't salvageable. Couldn't be saved. I was a "snowflake" hater. And in my "Christianity" (if you can call it that.... in hind sight thinking there was any semblance of being Christlike was a farce), I spouted ugly names for those crazy liberal whack jobs. Those crazy people who felt like the good of all trumped the good of the individual. That surely wasn't Christlike. Couldn't be. That would be pure crazy. 

Somewhere along the way though, I fell into poverty. And I started to realize, those people on welfare, those lazy good for nothing handout seeking bums, those people were my people. And I accepted government help and I worked my ass off. both. And I started to see how many other people were just like me. Not trying to rip off the system (and from what I understand, there's actually very little skimming and scamming of poor people ripping off the system, or that's what those pesky statistics say), but working, at least one job, maybe some babysitting and various other side hustles too to try and get ahead, or maybe just to get closer to breaking even. But as I tried my damnedest to get moving in a forward direction, and still rolling down the hill backwards no matter how fast I pedaled, I had the privilege of experiencing poor shaming. Talking about "those people" around me, and guess what? I are one of "those" people. One of those lazy no good people who doesn't really want to get out of poverty. Apparently I'm happy in the repeated situation of being in danger of losing my electricity or being food insecure on a monthly basis. I mean, if I really wasn't happy about it, I would make it happen to get out. Right? America. Land of Opportunity and all that jazz. 

So today my heart bleeds a little more for those lazy jerks living off the government and not even trying to get their shit together. Because a) I am one of those people, and b)I know how hard it is to climb out of the well, and c) I don't ACTUALLY enjoy being belittled for things that are largely outside of my control. 

Somewhere along the journey, finding a God of my understanding led to just finding a God of my misunderstanding. I just needed a God. And the God of my youth wasn't so much in my corner. So where was he? What did "he" look like? What kind of power did he have? 

My faith went through many phases. Spirituality. I lost a lot of the religiosity. I'm pretty glad about that actually. Things started happening in my life and my family that made it harder and harder to hold onto homophobia and to see that kind of hate for a marginalized people as godly. If I understand what I read in the Bible, it's my job as a lover of Christ to love people and to give them a safe place to land. This world is rough enough. I find that the people that I most emulate and want to be like are the people who are kind, loving, and accepting of me. And my right-wing upbringing isn't fitting with loving people like Jesus did. Does. I think Jesus still does love people. I think that Jesus is a god-figure and as such, isn't obsolete or dead. I desire to be loved. And I think Jesus loves me. Broken, fucked-up, loser me. Not just when I was a right wing nut. But now. Now that I'm starting to wake up. Now that I'm becoming one of those woke fruitcakes. I think that everything I learned at one time in my life is not holding true today. I believe (and I believe things because I FEEL them) that this other path, this leftist path, the "liberal" path, seems to represent Jesus to me. I wonder sometimes, can I be liberal and still be pro-life? And then I wonder, are people who are pro-birth really pro life when they don't care for orphans and widows and the downtrodden and misguided souls? So there it is. Out in the open. I'm leaning left. farther and farther and louder and louder the longer I seek a Jesus who loves me where I am at right now. For some of you, this is no surprise. Probably many of you really. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying not to shout about the failings of my state on it's current path, of people who presume to share my faith when it doesn't care about those who are "less-than," worn down, marginalized, different, minorities, or poor. Because these are my people. I can write many a blog about how I am white and privileged, so how can minority races be my people. I am not sure I know the answer except for the whole "woke" thing. I know I'm privileged. I also know I'm a "less-than" in my country because I'm a woman and damn if it isn't infuriating, but it's still a man's world. 

There's many a skeleton I'm not ready to expose yet. But this one's out. I am no longer one of those conservative types. And although I did a bunch of self-depricating in this post about those lefties, I also don't think they are so crazy anymore. I have found out that they love me. And you. And a whole bunch of other people that Jesus loves. So if you are left and liberal and I used those snowflaky terms, it was just a ruse. I know they call us. Cuz I used to be one of "them." But I am learning that a person shouldn't be judged by their party affiliation and that a person's moral character isn't left or right. It is sometimes wrong though. And that doesn't come from political ties. Don't fall for the rhetoric folks. Make your own way. Walk through your own fire and see what your life looks like to you and go from there.