Today I have been dwelling on my Dad's American dream. and just on my Dad. The man that I miss immeasurably. My dad was a generous man. Money sort of just sifted through his fingers, whether he was helping others or financing something he thought he "needed." Or a biggie of late, something he felt would help him on the farm. But money management was never his strong suit. If he had it, he spent it. If he didn't have it, he would find a way to get it, so he also spent it. Well, this is a habit that is deeply ingrained in me. Sometimes the one I am being generous to is myself. Right out of my bill paying income. Ugh. This is a curse. But it was a gift from a man who I found to be extremely gifted and generous. And I do not think his generous spirit was or is in any way, shape or form, a curse. It was a gift. But sometimes it cost him more than financially savvy people would have spent (emotionally, physically or fiscally). So my head really knows that I would be better off if I could learn a more responsible management of money. But money, in my book, is a means. And therefore has no value in and of itself. So it doesn't stay. Ever. It just sifts through my fingers like sand. But what I never knew until about five years ago, when I started really listening to my friend and pOVERty expert, Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz, is that this is a fairly common trait among those of us in poverty. Because we live with a poverty mindset. "Spend it before it's gone." Or... "we will be without again soon enough, enjoy it while it lasts." So you can see how this works against the very idea of getting out of poverty. Because when you spend it before it is gone, it is gone sooner than if you would have waited. And then the cycle of living without is perpetuated. But let me say this, myself, and people like me, we stimulated the economy with out stimulus checks. People in poverty know how to spend money! We ain't puttin' that away for if we need it! We need it! And we need it now. So in recapping: people like myself, who have lived any length of time below certain income levels (or who have been raised with this certain train of thought about money), we are the spenders, the givers, the crazy-generous people. We give gifts, we buy dinners, we have too many pets and we have toys that our kids don't play with (like the trampoline in my backyard). We are also the behinders. Behind on the gas bill, behind on the rent, behind on payment plans, behind our more progressive neighbors who have nicer lawns, more curb appeal, more middle-class-looking homesteads. And we are, at some point, the desperate. Desperate for a loan, a few bucks, for help getting out of the muck of our financial destitution. And truly: need breeds scarcity. Which perpetuates the ole cycle. Because now that I am in desperate times, I can feel the pressure building as I don't have the cash-flow or the freedom to be generous, to spend lavishly, to reward myself for being a relatively good human. And *BOOM*! Money comes in and I explode all my best laid plans in order to fill the need to give, to get, to spend. And just like that. It's gone again. And begins the cycle again.
So what I want you to know is this....
We (I) can change this. But it is not a simple choice. It IS a choice. But there is nothing simple or easy about it. It isn't likely that one day I'll wake up and say, "today is the day I am financially responsible" and it magically happens. One way I know how difficult this is, is because I say this to myself about once a month and I get really serious about it at least twice a year. So far, it's a no-go. I know that in order to change my chemical dependency and SO (significant other) dependency, I had to get really, really, REALLY miserable. I think this is the same. But so far, I can only be "good" and refrain from my spending habits for about so long and then I just say "chuck it" (and if you believe that is my phrasing, you should probably read yesterday's post which held a different level of transparency and honesty and will bring you up to speed) and I reward myself for being so good for so long. All my hard work is just chucked.
Why tell you all this? Well, because it is part of my story for one. And it is part of something bigger, some part of the whole class/hidden-rules/poverty/trauma cycle. I will connect more dots tomorrow. Today just know, that I appreciate you all for your love and generosity, and I will happily give you gifts of money or time or both or either. When I have those commodities, they are for sharing. Can I get an Amen?
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