This Damn Virus

So yesterday I wore a bandanna to the store. Can you say.... "awkward"? Weird. Uncomfortable. Did I say awkward? Even embarrassing. And when I went to the pharmacy, the person at the register wouldn't even make eye contact. More awkwardness. And neither would other shoppers. Except the ones that laughed. Even people I know. *sigh* I like to think I beat to my own drum and do what I think is right and good and appropriate. But it was overwhelming.

Here's the deal people. The mask really isn't about me. It's about a lot of allergy drainage, a slight cough, sneezes. I've had this going on for a week now. Probably no biggie. I mean, it is Kansas, and I get allergy/pollen alerts all the freakin' time. But what about how my daughter also has these allergy symptoms. And how her intimate circle (her socially isolated circle) included some friends who have one who is extremely vulnerable and would not have what it takes to beat the Coronavirus. Or, as I have taken to saying-- "This Damn Virus." What about when the sore throat and cough started and we tell our friends about it and we were all fear stricken. What about my 78 year old mother who says she's not scared of this virus because she is "pretty tough." Yes, I know, you are a tough old bird Mom. But we just planted my dad in the ground. We lost him less than a month ago. And he really WAS the toughest person I have ever come in contact with. My Dad fought his way back to the world of the living from more different tragedies than anyone I have ever heard of. And he did not get this damn virus, he died from another poison in his brain. But to think that I could have possibly contracted and passed along THIS damn virus to my mother, who is grieving, and therefore doesn't have as resilient of an immune system as she would otherwise, and we could lose her. Well, that is downright scary. And sickening. It is heavy. HEAVY. Because just selfishly speaking, my sister and I cannot face another loss right now.

But this morning I went to retrieve the items that we failed to pick up yesterday. And I went to the store knowing that I am a possible threat to others and that I should cover my mouth and nose. But I didn't. I just wanted to duck in and duck out. Under the radar. And no one snickering.

I found myself extremely irritated with those who didn't bother with the 6' guideline. Like the vendor with the tea and such for the coolers by the self-checkout. She stood there, chatting with the self-checkout person and blocking the entrance. She says, "Oh, you can go around me, they are all open." I held my tongue. But why. Why did I do that? What didn't I ask her to give me 6 feet?

I want to tell you now brave and noble I am. But I am driven by other people and the need to be accepted. Even though I am still beating to my own drum. *sigh*

P.S. I hate. I hate. I HATE this DAMN VIRUS! I hate it. Almost as much as I hate that damn Nocardia bacteria that murdered my Dad.