Grateful Today

 Some things I'm grateful for today.... 

1. Chickens. They are mixed blessing. Some days I curse the overwhelming number of eggs we get. There's only two of us here. But we're getting 11-15 eggs a day. But here's the thing, the eggs we get, they are gorgeous. Different shades of brown, brown-speckled, light brown-- almost pink, greens, robin's egg blue. Just lovely. And the chickens make me laugh. Have you ever watched a chicken run? They are hilarious. 

2. Country Life. Sometimes I forget how peaceful it is out here. Then I come home from literally anywhere and it's so quiet out here. Another slicer reminded me of the night sky and how beautiful the stars are. Stars are always a masterpiece. But out here, you can really see what the night sky has on display. 

3. Family. My family struggles. My relatives, my family of origin, is crazy. Driven to the brinks. But my kids, they pay the price. For my crazy. For the crazy of those who've gone before. And they are struggling. Some of us struggle with what I call "underlying depression." A low(ish)-level depression that is just always there. I have that. My children also have suicidal ideation. One kiddo almost successfully offed herself a few years ago. She seems to have found some inner strength and resolve that gives her a resilience I can only marvel at. One kiddo wasn't answering her phone this weekend when I called. She text back and said, "I'm alive. I just don't have energy to talk on the phone." Another kiddo is finally in a stage of life where she has more days she doesn't feel suicidal than days that she does, but the last five years have been a constant struggle. And then one kiddo was estranged from me for years and we've slowly been re-building our relationship. We never talk about suicide. But she faces it with her own children as I do with mine. We talk about how life is hard to the point of being really difficult to function these days. This family. These kids. I am grateful for them. I am grateful for restored relationships. I am grateful that my children are alive. I am glad they have ebb and flow to their pain and that it isn't constant. They are my heart and soul.

4. Forgiveness. I have failed this family so, so much. Big and small. Old and new. Some of this pain they live through is by my hand. Because hurt people hurt people. And then I loath myself and bottle up the pain and eventually strike out sideways somewhere, some way. But I can humble myself and pray and ask God to forgive me and change my ways and make me someone I don't hate today. I can actively seek forgiveness from the people I've wronged. And I can make different life choices today to make my life a living amends for wrongs I've done. 

My heart is full of gratitude tonight. My children are alive. My farm brings me daily blessings. My family is loving and kind to me today. I am grateful for forgiveness... from God, from others, for myself. Maybe not from myself. Not yet. But I'm still working on that. 

Read about everyone's Slice of Life story at Two Writing Teacher's Blog. Find the links in the comments.