What is that feeling?

 Today I encountered emotion I haven't seen, felt, embraced for a long time. I realized I was happy. Content. It was a breath of fresh air. 

Chasing disability was so draining and all I longed for was to be able to live guilt free. To navigate my little farm, to have an income (albeit soooo small), to not "should" on myself for sleep, for taking it easy, for not keeping to a time frame set by society. 

When we moved out here to our little slice of paradise, we loved being in the middle of nowhere, absorbing the sunshine and sunsets, enjoying the animals, not guilting ourselves for having four dogs, and embracing the solace. 

Then came the time when I couldn't work and had no income. I sifted through my retirement rather quickly. Like sand sifting through my fingertips. Living on a wing and a prayer. Literally. My blog was a begging tool. Which is a weird kind of humiliation. Like.... there's no shame in finding a way to pay the electric bill. But yet again, there is. 

A saving grace for us was that I'd bought this place outright with cash from the sale of my house in town. And so in the midst of turmoil and chaos, we had this treasure. Our house is not a treasure, the treasure is that we have a place to live and it's all the other stuff.... the serenity, the trees, the chickens, the ducks, and so on. 

After fighting for disability from the date of November 12 (?), 2021, I was elated when I got the notification in March of 2023 that I was going to receive disability. Relief. Freedom. There's really no way to even explain the feeling. That heavy feeling of the unknown washed away by relief and freedom. Floating. 

What I didn't expect to experience was feeling lost. Directionless. Depressed. I'm not well enough to teach. I'm not "sick." I don't really feel "disabled" at this point. I had both of my knees replaced during the time when I had no income. While I was not limber and young again, I could walk without a limp again, I was healing. I wasn't healed. 

I often felt like I was drifting along and without direction. The low level depression started amping up to more. A depressive state. The weepy, crying, dissatisfied kind. The kind that leads to not wanting to push on and wanting to give up. I didn't feel like I could be suicidal, I was necessary to the well-being of my child. But I just didn't desire to live. And this drug out. It seeped into every crevice of life. I became overwhelmed with apathy. I didn't marvel in the sunrises. Or the sunsets. I didn't enjoy taking care of our chickens and ducks. I no longer enjoyed the geese. When we got goats, I was non-plussed. I just didn't care. 

We were not going to get any babies this Spring. I just felt like I didn't have any energy for new life for more time given to the care and growth of birds, goats, dogs, cats. But my depression peaked (?) (dipped?) in December and has been slowly improving since then. 

In the last weeks, I have slowly felt the pull of Springtime in the country and the longing for baby birds, for new life, for longer days filled with sun and springtime breezes. We caved in this past weekend and now have two brooders with baby chicks and baby geese. 

Today, I slept in. I drank my coffee. At my leisure. I went out to let the birds out. I felt the soft breeze. I realized I was happy with my morning, my leisure time, my walk to the barn to let birds out at the time I deemed appropriate, and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up into a smile. I embraced the sensation of happiness that had eluded me so long. 

Read about other slices of life by clicking on the orange slice and scrolling down to the comments and click the links.