Everyone has them...

 You know the saying, about opinions and assholes. Right? 

My blog is where I dump my opinion: good, bad, ugly, short-sighted or whatnot. Sometimes my blog stinks. But my mind is cleared of gibberish and rubble. 

Prayer vs. Policy-change. Is this really the only option? One or the other? Enough thoughts and prayers I have read over and over and over. But this policy change isn't even about schools! It's about gun control. Let's be honest. And that is a whole other rant. I mean, I am not opposed to some changes in the gun laws. What kind of protection OR hunting, or caring for your family involves a fully or even semi automatic weapon? Let's be honest. If an intruder comes to my house and I meet them with a double barrel shotgun, they will not come back. Well, unless they have a weapon of the automatic or semi-automatic persuasion. And then they will be far quicker to unload that thing than any chance I will have at taking them out. Neither scenario makes me think I need a bigger gun. I'm just a girl who lives in the country trying to raise a few animals and live off the land. I don't need a bigger gun. 

I don't need the government or anyone taking away said gun either. But if we are talking "policy change," let's talk about eliminating or seriously crippling the automatic weapon industry. Aside from military warfare, there is just no reason for it. 

What am I saying?! I guess I'm saying I'm on both sides of the whole "policy change" rhetoric. But shouting policy change in the midst of this tragedy only cheapens the lives of the children who died this week. The same as shouting about my "right to bear arms" does. So what does that leave? Thoughts and prayers. I can believe in policy change and still pray. I can still want healing and a salve of some sort for the pain of those who are suffering. I think that as we take a moment and breathe and calm our weary souls, we need to be aware and not be lulled into nothingness. That is what all the hubbub is about, right? We use our thoughts and prayers and pretty soon nobody cares about what happens all-too-often in this country of ours. And that is what we need to avoid. Agreed. But we also need to pause and look at the hurting and take a moment to pray for their hurt and devastation.

Prayer is the greatest tool we have. It can move mountains. It can move the policy makers that make up those mountains. Prayer is powerful for what it can do to the energy we send out of our heart and soul. Prayer is powerful for the change that it initiates inside of us. 

The day will never come for me that I say "enough thoughts and prayers". What I see is something that needs more. Prayer AND policy change. Not prayer OR policy change. 

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

P.S. Some conspiracy theorists that I know and love worry about Big Brother who is always listening and watching and waiting to take away my guns. So here's my disclaimer, I have a shotgun on my wish list. I do. But I own a .380 hand gun. And I guess if we're being about full disclosure, it is a semi-automatic gun. But I'm just putting it out there.... I don't currently have that shotgun I was writing about. (Not to say that one day I won't, because right now I still have that choice and freedom). I am not the marksman my Dad was, but I still wouldn't break in to my house. Just sayin'

Anger. And beneath the Anger

 I'm 11 days post-surgery with a total left-knee replacement.  And one of the many epiphanies I've had today is that I'm bored. I am so tired of feeling like I wish I felt different! I wish I had less pain, I wish I were high as a kite and knocked out on oxy because it hurts less. I wish I could just take enough ibuprofen and tylenol to keep a steady pain relief base, but they make me nauseated and light headed and fuck with my stomach. Oops. I tried to type "mess with my stomach" and look what happened. I think that is because of the underlying rage. Is the rage from the pain or from the pain relief? Or from the cabin fever? Or the frustration that I can't move freely to take care of my little farm the way I want to?! Maybe the rage is a thinly veiled cover for Frustration. On a primal level. I have let out more primal screams today than I have in the entire time I have known what that means or that it has healing qualities. 

As I sit here, thinking about my constant rage against the machine, rage against biology, rage against my genes; I think about how I've always said that I'm not the fuck up. I can admit that I am just a little too honest, and too authentic and too.... well, I don't know, too..... me. But I'm not THE fuck up.

Today I feel my spirit collapse in upon itself and I give in. I am the family fuck up. What do you know? Why fight it? My mom, my sister, and even my beloved father who forever lives on this daddy's girl pedestal, knew I was the fuck up. And what we project onto our kids, they become. So why fight it. I'm tired. I'm 53, almost 54, and I've been pushing back for a lonnnnng fucking time. But today as I weigh the many, many failures in my life, I realize, I AM the fuck up. It's me. Hellooooo! Over here. It's me. I'm the one. 

click for photo credit/article, not my photo.

What's the one thing we want credit for? As women, as humans, as individuals? I mean, I guess I don't actually know what "we" want credit for. But I do know I'm not the only Mom who says, "I am a good Mom" and fight for the "good mom" title and recognition. Today, as a general rule, I care if I am a good human being or not. And I used to think I made a difference. A difference for kids. I taught them and loved them and encouraged them. But a) I don't do that anymore and b) I no longer believe I made a positive impact. So see? I really am just THE fuck up. I want to say my kids are strong, independent human beings because of the great mom I was. But there's a wealth of evidence that in spite of years upon years of crying wolf, I really fucked up motherhood. Maybe that scared little addict who gave her first child up for adoption was right. I come from a long line of fuck ups and am not capable of bucking the system long enough to make a real difference in the lives of the little ones I brought into this world. 

Maybe if the pain (the physical pain) ever recedes far enough and long enough, I'll become a good farmer. Because today, my lack of judgement left me with an unattended terrier, an animal that thrills in the kill, and two less chickens, and one missing duck. One less 'possum in this world, but also fewer of the creatures I was charged with caring for. Sacrificed because of my short-sightedness (and pain). 

For now, I have one more pain-killer in my medications. It will be saved to hopefully help me sleep. I have this day to collapse in upon myself. And to pray that the light of the day tomorrow will bring me hope. And a different perspective. Oh please dear God, let today be the end of giving in to "the fuck up." 

grief un-tangled, is that even a thing?

 I have been lost in nostalgia and reverie. Longingly remembering the past, days from my youth, feelings and thoughts over experiences and defined moments. How I loved to hear my Dad sing and how his joyful spirit was infectious. How he loved being happy and singing along to Hank Williams on the radio, or just singing along to the songs that lived in his soul. When I think of my Dad, often I get mad. I get mad at the family that "black-sheeped" him and made him into their expectations. Mad that they couldn't see beyond his actions to the gentle soul that lived inside his heart. Mad that the things that were expected of him were the very things that got him black-listed. Mad that he bore his burden and believed them. Oh.... this makes me mad. Mad about so many things in regard to his childhood, his adulthood, his rebel years, his misunderstood years, his fucked up views of love, and his later-in-life life. When a child loses their mother at the age of 8, they should be allowed to grieve. They should be loved and nurtured. Not tossed aside and targeted. 

But the older I get, the more I see the parallels. His life. My life. His shame. My shame. Familial. Societal. Individual. Collective. 

Such heavy burdens we were expected to shoulder and bury, at the same time. How can that be? Carry your cross, take responsibility for your actions, but bury it deep, carry that shame and count it as your own, even though it was thrust upon you from outside yourself. From places that you were never even meant to see. So that someone somewhere can feel less shame and blame for their actions and lack of action. 

I want to scream "SHAME ON YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and I want to walk away and burn bridges and carry torches and burn those fuckers to the ground. 

But we all know it is a matter of time, and not that much time actually, until I will come around to letting go, to gratitude, to live and let live. And thank God for that. Capital G god, not the god of gratitude or any other thing I might pair a descriptive with the word god with. But THE God. Thank God for Gratitude and letting go and crying and raging and screaming and doing it all again so that I don't have to stay angry. Carrying resentments makes me sick. It blackens my soul. It drives me to find sweet bliss, that blessed forgetfulness that I sought in a bottle, in a pill, in a man. And the never-ending shame that slithers in my shadow can only be battled with love. Martin Luther King Jr was right, "hate is too great of a burden to bear. I will choose love." (That might be paraphrased). 

This is how I feel as I write this post.

Last Day of the Challenge.... first day of? Not sure yet.

 It is so so good for me to write everyday. But I also feel like I did a lot of "just get it done" writing. So is it really best to write every day because I "have" to? I didn't have to, I wanted to see if I could see this through, especially since I am not working outside the home right now.... and I did it. Today will be day 29/31 that I have written. I am proud of myself, that is for sure. I missed day one, and then I missed a day somewhere in the middle. Anyway.... I committed and I followed through. I want a cookie. Ha. There is an intrinsic reward, that is true. But I like tangible, touchable, and most importantly consumable rewards. 

Some options I am considering... building a calendar of daily like I did for students when I taught. I would include two or three options each day to choose from, from daily calendars, from lists of prompts on the internet, from my own curiosities about my students. I could just print one of those "365 days of writing" list of prompts and go through and pick the ones that interest me. I could commit to some sort of poetry writing. Oh my my. The possibilities are endless. wide open.

I thought today I'd wrap up with a letter. A favorite format of mine.

Dear Spring,

Please get back on your meds and start to manage your bipolar. The 80 degree, windy, fire hazard day on Sunday to snow on the ground, cold and brisk today, well, it's not fun and it's disheartening.  Also, the stupid turn-it-around-in-the-middle-of-the-day kind of weather, that is just ridiculous. Where it starts out springlike and ends in the middle of a cold, winter freeze, that is getting to be more than a little over the top. 

I know you have your fans. But currently, I am not one of them. So I'm begging you, get this bipolar under control and give us a small dose of consistently Spring-like weather for say.... maybe a couple weeks in a row. Is that really too much to ask?

I'm begging you....

a midwest girl just wanting to enjoy some outside time

Walk in the Park Day

 Today is Walk in the Park Day. I know this because I looked it up here. I used to post daily "holidays" for journal prompts for student when I taught 5th grade. I was reminded of this when I saw Rita DiCarne's post about National Pencil Day.  

Wouldn't Walk in the Park Day be a great day to celebrate? For so many reasons. As a teacher, I would love to have kids journal about this day in advance. I would want students to write about what they would do to celebrate. Next, we could plan some of those ideas and spend a day of learning in the park. Lower grades learn things on these days that include "learning to share," "being a kind (inclusive) friend," "team work," and so much more. Most of these things actually apply to older students as well. And adults and kids can benefit from a leisurely stroll in a park, taking in all the new life that Spring has to offer. Unless you walk for your health and fitness, and then walking in the park might be brisk and quick along paths and walkways, still reaping the benefits of fresh air, and the wonder of Spring. Or possibly I could bring my pups and they could enjoy the benefits of a walk in a park. Just thinking about this "holiday" makes me smile. Oh the possibilities.

For real this time...

 Last night I tried the 5-4-3-2-1 format. But a) my heart wasn't in it, and b) I just saw the same format with completely different questions/topics! How exciting for me. So today, I'll try the 5-4-3-2-1 format with the topics I choose, and answer in earnest and see how that goes.... 

• 5 Things I am grateful TODAY:
• The Kansas wind is not blowing a fire my way (so far)
• I have space to plant a garden and play in the dirt
• I can tiedye and create with my kid
• Communication is improving between myself and my child
• Warmer weather, because it improves my mood as well as my ability to function (my knees don't swell as much or hurt as bad when it's warmer).
• 4 things I am doing RIGHT NOW:
• I took this to be the 4 things that I have rolling around in my brain right now.... 
• blogging: day 29 of a 31 day challenge. I have been pretty faithful and it's a good commitment to keep.
• concern for my children and the drive to pray for them.
• my house is a wreck and I hear/feel the "shoulds" bouncing off the walls of my mind like ping-pong balls... "laundry: put it away" "create a new, more efficient space for rugs and towels" "do it NOW" "unload the dishwasher and reload it" "clean out the fridge" I feel myself physically flinch at that one. Something died in our fridge. It literally makes me gag when I open the door. Recoil. Maybe that is the word. Whatever. It stinks and I don't wanna. "You gotta" "do it! do it NOW!" "clean up the barn and get those ducks out of the house!" "Outdoor birds need you to get off your ass and get to work..." (Okay, those things may not technically be inside things, they just battle with the inside chores for priority status).
• money and paperwork and meeting deadlines! oh my. Are they really lions, and tigers, and bears? oh yes. yes they are.
• 3 things I am working on FOR or WITHIN MYSELF:
• Forgiveness. Everyone falls short. Forgive yourself Care.
• Acceptance. It is what it is and I have no power to change it. I can change me and that is all.
• Positive self-talk: "I was/am a good parent." Seriously? That ones churns my stomach a little (lot) and I feel a little bile creeping up my esophagus. Thank you gird for reminding that stress is a real gut churner and shit-stirrer. I have been challenged to accept that I am a good mom and that I am ever-seeking to improve, which counts for something. Not so easy to do.
• 2 things I can check off the To-Do List for THIS WEEK:
• Return paperwork for insurance
• return paperwork for assistance
• 1 thing I need to let go of to move forward (the sooner the better):
• Well, the parent thing. Comes down to my parent(s) and childhood and my greatest fear is that I am my mother. I love her. And I have come a long way in terms of acceptance and forgiveness, but I have to let go of a) the notion that I can somehow outrun my genes, and not parent the same way that is in my DNA, not to mention that its what was modeled, and b) that if I am like my mother, it is bad. Come on Care, let that shit go. Your momma loves you and you love your kids. So let the negative framing go..... 

Trying another format I just saw! 5-4-3-2-1

 

5 THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE THIS PAST WEEK:

• Having two of my kids home.
• Playing games with my kiddos.
• Holding my cat.
• Art.... drawing, painting, writing
• Spring!

4 WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY UPCOMING WEEK:

• busy
• busy
• busy
• ummmm

3 PLANS FOR THE REMAINING WEEK:

• finish chicken pen in the barn
• Finish strong on challenges for Simple Daily Drawing and Slice of Life Story challenge
• mail important paperwork

2 THINGS I LEARNED THIS PAST WEEK:

• that I am not a bad mom (well, you know, I don't think I can actually learn this in just one week, but it's a work in progress)
• that I create pretty cool cards

1 GOAL FOR NEXT WEEKEND:

• Tiedye. I haven't dyed in a long while.