For real this time...

 Last night I tried the 5-4-3-2-1 format. But a) my heart wasn't in it, and b) I just saw the same format with completely different questions/topics! How exciting for me. So today, I'll try the 5-4-3-2-1 format with the topics I choose, and answer in earnest and see how that goes.... 

• 5 Things I am grateful TODAY:
• The Kansas wind is not blowing a fire my way (so far)
• I have space to plant a garden and play in the dirt
• I can tiedye and create with my kid
• Communication is improving between myself and my child
• Warmer weather, because it improves my mood as well as my ability to function (my knees don't swell as much or hurt as bad when it's warmer).
• 4 things I am doing RIGHT NOW:
• I took this to be the 4 things that I have rolling around in my brain right now.... 
• blogging: day 29 of a 31 day challenge. I have been pretty faithful and it's a good commitment to keep.
• concern for my children and the drive to pray for them.
• my house is a wreck and I hear/feel the "shoulds" bouncing off the walls of my mind like ping-pong balls... "laundry: put it away" "create a new, more efficient space for rugs and towels" "do it NOW" "unload the dishwasher and reload it" "clean out the fridge" I feel myself physically flinch at that one. Something died in our fridge. It literally makes me gag when I open the door. Recoil. Maybe that is the word. Whatever. It stinks and I don't wanna. "You gotta" "do it! do it NOW!" "clean up the barn and get those ducks out of the house!" "Outdoor birds need you to get off your ass and get to work..." (Okay, those things may not technically be inside things, they just battle with the inside chores for priority status).
• money and paperwork and meeting deadlines! oh my. Are they really lions, and tigers, and bears? oh yes. yes they are.
• 3 things I am working on FOR or WITHIN MYSELF:
• Forgiveness. Everyone falls short. Forgive yourself Care.
• Acceptance. It is what it is and I have no power to change it. I can change me and that is all.
• Positive self-talk: "I was/am a good parent." Seriously? That ones churns my stomach a little (lot) and I feel a little bile creeping up my esophagus. Thank you gird for reminding that stress is a real gut churner and shit-stirrer. I have been challenged to accept that I am a good mom and that I am ever-seeking to improve, which counts for something. Not so easy to do.
• 2 things I can check off the To-Do List for THIS WEEK:
• Return paperwork for insurance
• return paperwork for assistance
• 1 thing I need to let go of to move forward (the sooner the better):
• Well, the parent thing. Comes down to my parent(s) and childhood and my greatest fear is that I am my mother. I love her. And I have come a long way in terms of acceptance and forgiveness, but I have to let go of a) the notion that I can somehow outrun my genes, and not parent the same way that is in my DNA, not to mention that its what was modeled, and b) that if I am like my mother, it is bad. Come on Care, let that shit go. Your momma loves you and you love your kids. So let the negative framing go.....