Carrie Lynn. The most impulsive person I know. Or is it obsessive? Or compulsive? It's an -ive, that part is for sure.
So I am currently not employed, unable to get unemployment because of a fraud alert on my account. I've been trying since October. And now I am completely unable to access my account because.... I don't know why. The truth is, I think it's fraud. again. I think the fraudulent number got the messages meant for me and changed my password! I can't get in. Thank you state of Kansas for a system so broken that my numerous, I mean NUMEROUS, phone calls, get me nowhere. Not this week, not last week, not in February, January or any time in 2021. Okay, but this really only back story.
My car, my precious, beautiful car, was not being paid for. And I didn't want it to get repossessed. Because 1) I don't really know how it works and didn't want to be expected to pay money I didn't have and 2) I wanted to have it off my plate: no more $400/month payments that I couldn't really afford when I did have a job! No more! Once this became my quest, there was no stopping me. No wise wisdom of friends that would reconcile itself with the thought that I must sell my car IMMEDIATELY. Like yesterday. So I did it. I sold it to a dealership and walked away -$280ish dollars on it. Yeah, I PAID someone to take my car. My beautiful car.
Now we are a one vehicle household. It is the kid's vehicle. She bought it. She paid for it. She owns it in the free and clear. But it is also an $1800 car. Worth every penny, but probably not worth much more. I mean, we've probably already driven it our (her) $1800 worth. But should it perish, we are screwed. On so many levels. My child, who is still 17, and having the generous, forgiving nature of 17 year olds, would never forgive me if her car should expire while it is our only vehicle. No matter the nature of it's demise, should it be labeled a violent death or natural causes on the death certificate, it would forever be because it was getting abused when it was the only vehicle. But this coupled with my own need for freedom, self-sufficiency, I am becoming more and more desperate to get a vehicle.
I am not 17. I do not care if it is knocking, tired, and ugly. I mean, I do. But I am on a quest to find that vehicle that (hopefully) will run for many years in spite of how well-loved, well-used it might be. It can be ugly as sin. I want a truck with all my heart. Well, with whatever wanting piece of my heart that is designated to vehicle love.
But since I have no income, I have already burned through my retirement, my tax return, and no relief is in sight, I have only prayer and longing to see me through. Those are both great and ample resources to supply my need, and meager and leaving me wanting due to the magnitude of my need and power of the resource. It is both ends of the spectrum at once.
I became vehicle-less, as a result of my own actions. Now I have no power to remedy the situation. Except to pray. And to put it out there. Neither of which are actually that small or powerless.
Due to my continuous over-sharing, I have been hesitant to vomit this need all over the world-wide-web. And I have met me, I am aware that I am not usually hesitant to over-share my thoughts, desires, and needs. Oh boy. But I am at the point where I need to purge this, or it will consume me and I'll indulge in some of the "-ive"ness mentioned above. Compulsiveness, impulsiveness, and/or obsessiveness.
So I am laying it down here. For you to read there. And asking God to bring good to me and provide my need.
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