Yesterday, I painstakingly wrote out a 2 page, front and back, note about all the chores I do so my children would know what to do in my absence. I addressed how much feed to give, which feed for which chickens and chicks, how I care for and prepare the puppy for bedtime, how I care for goats. And so on. This probably took an hour of my time. But I wanted to be thorough so they would not need to message me in the middle of chores. You know, when you have to wait on a response to even finish what you are doing.
I got a message. and then another. and then another. There IS an outside chance that clarification was needed on top of what I wrote. But one of my children showed absolutely no interest in reading the note from the get-go. This is the same child that messaged. I felt something about htis. Annoyed? Disgruntled and discontent? Something. My pitch: I wrote the note from a place of love. From a place of the more they know the more they would be empowered to do it themselves. I don't care if they don't chore the same way I do. But from the amount of questions I was receiving earlier in the week, I wanted to prepare them adequately. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I sent them a reminder message to read the note. and one kiddo sent back a thembs up. I replied, "I can tell y'all did not read before ya chored!!" Which set off a chain reaction. "Tf you mean by that?" "Nothin'" followed by a long response from one kid who was seriously upset by my smart remark. Hence my point... sarcasm cuts. I don't really know any other way to communicate. And that probably sounds flip and a little trite. But I am extremely fluent in sarcasm. And while I meant my remark "...y'all did not read before you chored..." because it seemed apparent, I was also gone from them, enjoying woman time, with other women, feeling frolicky (maybe not the right term), feeling free, light, a little bit giddy. I was not feeling a need to micromanage or judge. I just carelessly sent a response full of sarcasm. And for my children who both felt the need to let me have time away and stepped up to help, it cut them. One of them deeply.
*big sigh* and a pause. In the middle of my giddy-ness. I pause to cry. Our conflict at home lately has been frequent, wearing and large. No small thing. In the blink of an eye, there it was, with me. Confronting me. Convicting me. Pursuing me.
I so want to say all this yuckiness at home has nothing to do with me, but that isn't true. In part, it has everything to do with me. I taught my girls their coping skills, their processing skills and in the midst of our trauma I am more and more aware that those skills are sorely lacking in me. So how could I teach my children healthy skills? So there is that. But this is now, not then and they are adults and responsible for their own healing. So I am not solely responsible. But today's responsibility is this: when you know better, do better. And I have an obligation today to encourage healing, growth, relationship and communication. I am going to have to learn more ways of communicating than sarcasm. I am not so fluent in any other style of communication, any other language. Sarcasm has always been my way. The only way. In sorrow. In laughter. In addiction. In recovery. In everything.
There is still so much to learn. Today I thank God I have time to learn and that these relationships can heal. That is my hope. My desire. My goal. Dear Lord, make this my prayer today. And teach me how to live. and how to love.
March is the Two Writing Teachers Slice of Life Challenge to blog everyday for the month of March. The month snuck up on me and I missed days one and two. But I brought my computer along to women's sleepover (no men, no kids, no pets) to sneak away and blog. This is today's slice. To read more slices, follow the link or click on the orange.
