Menopausal Madness or is it?

 The thing/s nobody talks about. One of the biggies is menopausal brain fog. It's real. You can ask menopausal women all around, and they know the realness of it. I think medical professionals, women in particular, admit to the realness of it. But society at large? Society seems to think women shoud be able to push through Preganancy Brain, and Menopause Brain, and living in flight or fight all the time. Women, we're strong, we do it all, that is true. But the brain fog, it's not just menopause, it is also from living in a constant state of fight or flight. Too much cortisol. 

My last year of teaching.... I knew I was drowning but I seemed to be unable to stop it. I knew my brain didn't work right, and recently, in retrospect, I think I was in the middle of a mental breakdown that year. Probably for the whole year. The year previous was the year of the Covid shutdown. My administrator was constantly looking for ways to defeat me. Juast the pressure of that was overwhelming. But it was also the year we lost my dad. I was in a constant state of crisis because Dad was in and out of the hospirtal and in and out of ICU and trauma treatment. Then it became the time I realized I need to use my FMLA, and spend time with Dad. I thought it was time to help him heal, to work on his recovery. But it wasn't. It was about Palative care and hospice and death and planning a funeral. As soon as I returned to work, I had one whole day where I was back in the building, the shutdown happened. Because of the FMLA and other difficulties with admin, I was removed from my teaching position. When I returned, it was as an assistant to the PE teacher. I was in a position to do very little and still keep my salary. So when the state shut down the schools, I was not responsible to Zoom with my kids or do any lessons and stya in touch. I had zero responsibility and still got paid. That part was nice. But that was also the beginning of the breakdown. At this time I didn't really realize that my administration might have been right, I was maybe not capable of teaching. 

And here I went, applying for teaching jobs for the next year. And I got one. But I was still drowning. I still help tight to the belief that I was going to be able to pull myself together, to get my shit together in one big pile and make it less stinky. My administration did every thing in her power to help me succeed. And toward the end of the year, I think I was making some progress. But it was too late. I just kept slipping into the void. I would plan for hours, and when the time to teach a lesson came, I was unprepared and scattered. I was forgetful and fuzzy brained. Which I blame only in part of menopause, mostly I blame it on cortisol. Stress. Fight or Flight. But I think it started with menopause. And it just multiplied. And kept pulling me under. 

I spent the next 15 months being unemployed and without an income. It was a healing time. I slowly started getting clearer minded. But here it is, four years later, and somedays I am still foggy brained. It comes and goes. But the days when the fog rolls in, it is devastating. I try to push through and pretend not to be terrified and not to be operating outside my element. 

I don't know if really blame menopause anymore. But I know that fog is real. And I wish it was something we didn't need to hide from the world and that we didn't have to say we are alright when we're not. I say it's a woman thing. But I bet it's bigger than that. 

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