Punishing the Trauma out of people

 I left the world of education about 4 years ago. And this was a big buzz phrase then among "trauma sensitive" organizations: You cannot punish the trauma out of (children). I put "trauma sensitive" in quotation marks, but I was/am a huge fan of a trauma sensitive approach to.... well, anything. Not just the classroom, but anything education, any thing people related.... family, jobs, social platforms. It's valid. And it goes with something that a mental health professional has said to me on numerous occasions. 

roughly: Addiction is a symptom of trauma and abuse. Punishing someone for their past pain is not a cure. Why are we punishing people for being victims?

Yes, why?

My daughter is a no-holds-barred, tell-it-like-it-is, i-don't-care-if-it-hurts, no nonsense kind of person. She calls it like she sees it. And for as young as she is, she sees a lot of things pretty accurately. I know she's not always right (and I'm damn sure gonna tell her the truth when I see that she can't see it), but she's spot on often enough not to discount her insights. And she's walked a hard path and forged through her fair share (more than fair actually) of trauma. 

She says I have a lot of PTSD. And I can kinda see it. How some things just make me freeze. And I'm traumatized by things that are not meant to be traumatizing. And I shut down. A lot. Which further breaks down my ability to communicate and express myself clearly and concisely. Something I'm striving for. Fighting for even. 

So anyway.... yesterday a weird thing (for me) happened. I just said what I thought. I didn't over-analyze, I didn't stop because there might be another side to the story than just mine, I didn't stop and reflect on whether what I had to say was loving or kind or helpful. I just felt it, then I said it. Don't get me wrong, there was a day when that is all I did. My Mom called me "brutally honest." But as I grew into adulthood, I realized that I didn't need to be SO honest all the time. Then I became jaded and scarred by people who used my words as swords against me and made me/let me believe that whatever I said was cold and callous and that I was unable to say a good word. So I withdrew. I stopped. I flew away. Or froze. 

So in the middle of this weird freedom last night I was still inundated with the feelings I felt in shutdown mode. I felt like running. hiding. escaping. I felt like screaming.... "get me the hell out of here and leave me alone!!!!" And I wanted to get the hell out of here and to be alone. And mentally, I went through an inventory. How can I get out of here. How can I stop feeling this? This feels icky, how can I escape? What crutches do I have handy to help me with this? Oxy. My friend, Oxycodone. Yes. That would help me. What sounds like a solution to me. 

And again I have to get back to a place of honesty. A place in time where Carrie has to be honest with Carrie. I'm an addict/escape artist. 

What happened differently last night (along with the crazy honesty and open-mouthedness), was that I was able to think about my desire for escape. And to think.... okay, Carrie, this too shall pass. It's not going to last forever. What can you do to feel better? Can you just face the moment? Remember, it won't last forever. It's only a moment in time. You are going to be all right. 

And then today I was struck with the whole idea that society in America has for punishing trauma out of people. Especially those in a place of addiction. And that when I have the desire to use mind-altering substances, it is just a cry for help. A deep desire for the pain to stop, for the unbearable to be bearable, for something to "take the edge off." 

You cannot punish the trauma out of a person. Not a child in crisis in an elementary school situation that it seems we've never encountered before, not an addict in active addiction needing a fix, not me in recovery still frozen by my emotions and desperate for escape.

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