Today my Mom turned.... well, I guess I am not supposed to say. It is more than 80 years she's been on this earth. When I was 15, I ran away on my mother's birthday. Not necessarily because it was her birthday, I would say my mind was too full of me, myself, and I to think about the impact of running away on her birthday. I just didn't thnk it through. However, Mom and I had a rocky relationshiup. On some level, it was probably a special little "F you" for her birthday for her. I don't have a whole lot to say about the actual act and days surrounding it. What I will say is that reflecting on this, and looking at it in hindsight is terribly terribly painful. It has hurt for a lot of years. And sometimes I feel like I've forgiven myself, but it never "sticks." The agonizing disappointment in myself and my disgust at how I hurt someone I love always returns. I know that my God forgives me. And I know that my Mom has forgiven me. I have asked and she has answered. But I have terrible remorse and agony over this memory today. Thankfully, I don't remember this all the time. For instance, I was able to celebrate for most of the day today. This memory just came crashing through after I got home from visiting my Mom.
Today, I am able to say that I am grateful for my Mom and every minute we are able to spend together. I know I won't always have it.
My daughter was able to go with me today and surprise my mom. I made us lunch (enchiladas), and bought some angel food cake and ice cream and frozen strawberries for all of us to share. I made her a card this morning and we gave her that. It was a happy time and memories were made.
We were also able to remember my Dad today and tell a few stories about Dad and remember his life and the joy he brought to us.
Happy Birthday Mom. I thank God for his forgiveness and I pray one day I'll know that freedom that forgiveness brings. I pray that today, you know how I love you and you can see love, not just the sorrow of the past.
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| I see a mistake now! Eek! I already gave it to her! I also didn't take a great photo. At the top where you cannot see, it says "Happy Birthday" |
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May you find peace in this reflection about forgiveness and the freedom it can bring. That is a lovely card you made. Happy birthday to your mom!
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet entry. Thank you, Carrie!
ReplyDeleteWould it help you to know that I have forgiven you so that i cannot even remember the day you reference. And God who is infinitely more loving/forgiving has completely forgiven you as well.
Btw, the birthday card is outstanding. I love that sassy chicken!