Lately I am overwhelmed. By the terrifying new things in my life. By the vast amount of responsibility I have at home, at school, personally. I am living on the edge. Just one more responsibility away from falling off the edge of the cliff. Into a deep abyss. Some people at my house are already falling. I reach for them, sometimes with a degree of success. Sometimes they drift on by. Panic ensues. I am always just one breathe away from panic.
What does that do to my gratitude list? Let's be honest. Some days I'm too exhausted to look for the gratitude. Somedays I am too strung out to find it when I look. But when I don't choose it, I start to lose it. And spiraling down a dark, dark rabbit hole without gratitude is hopeless. I need more hope. Not less. I need my circle of friends to surround me and be my family.
Family. Those crazy people who shaped who I am today. I need some form of family in my life. Maybe not the flesh and blood kind. But the kind that will love unconditionally. Accept us when we fall short, which is every day.
Right now, today, all I know is pressure. Pressure not to be needy. Pressure to be strong. Pressure to "make" my child conform to someone else's norms. Pressure.