Is there a link between poverty and pets?

 I was talking to a friend about a situation and came around to pets and unwillingness to relinquish them. Her comment was "what is it about poor people and their pets?" That got me to thinking. Is there a connection? 

I can see how there could be. Much of my experience with poverty and being without financially is that I encounter a lot of money related trauma. My pets are a way of coping with that. Also, I have my dogs, I don't have money to go out and be entertained. So it's up to them (or my goats, or my chickens, or most recently the baby birds) to take up that entertainment slack. And they generally do. They provide plenty of entertaining antics. And love. Unconditional love. I mess up with pets as well as humans. And humans, well, after awhile, they grow tired of me messing up, they get tired of me. But my pets. My dog especially. When everything is going wrong and I say, "Maddie, can I have some snuggles?" She generally obliges. And is sweet and loving and lets me know she still values me. 

I think that when we feel like we've lost everything.... job, hope, family, support system, resources like groceries, and we're down to brass tacks.... we cling to our pets. It's us and them against the world. We can't imagine facing the hard times without them. 

I was unimaginably lucky when I was without any income for 15 months. We didn't lose our home. And fortunately enough, I really shouldn't say "lucky" it was good fortune provided by God by angels with skin on. Fortunately enough, my farm animals had feed to get by. And we didn't lose the dogs, the cats, the chickens. The reasons we moved to the country in the first place. We purposely had 4 dogs. More than what is smiled upon in town. Some towns have restrictions on how many dogs a person can have at a residence. 

As I type this, I feel selfish. The thought that they are "just" pets and could be replaced goes through my head. But every fiber of me protests this. They are not "just pets." Little miss Maddie has always been my little companion and she's "my dog." I feel this through and through. She doesn't listen to anyone else, she does what she wants, being the little diva that she is. But she usually listens to me. On occasion she will get overly excited about something (like treats) and become a wriggling, barking mess. But she is still my "good dog." I tell her every day she's a good girl and I love her. 

I hope I never end up in a homeless situation having to choose the streets or a shelter because of my pets. I hope I never face that in my life time. But I know how close I've come and I know God took care of my needs. I know it is still by the grace of God that I live my life freely with all my pets. And I breathe a breath of gratitude daily for this life I live. With my pets. Who have always seen the best in me. Even in the worst of times. 

Pro Life vs. Anti Abortion?

 I would tell you that I am pro life. I will also tell you that I'm pro woman's rights. Women have the right to determine what they do with their body. So I have an internal conflict. I guess the thing is... I saw a sonogram when I was only about 6 weeks pregnant with my oldest child. She was sucking her thumb and turning somersaults, even though she still had a tail. I believe that precious being was 100% alive. And not just a "fetus" or "fetal tissue." But I also believe that I can't tell another woman that it's going to be worth the 9 months of discomfort and growth and all that jazz if she doesn't want her baby. And I don't even really mean if she "doesn't want her baby." I mean, most women, to some extent ponder their options and to some capacity "want" that baby. But what if this meant never escaping a bad situation? What if it meant she and her baby would both be addicts? What if it meant she was bringing the child into a world where they lived hand to mouth every day? What if she knew she had anger issues? You know.... deep-seated, hateful, hurtful anger issues that make a person see red and do things they didn't even they were capable of doing? What if.... I could fill those in all day long. 

My daughter and I were having a conversation in the car, where most good conversations are born. And this topic came up. And she said "I know you're pro-life, but...." and launched into reasons that she is pro-woman's choice. Her arguments were all things I agree with. 

What I deeply believe is that we cannot really know what is in another person's heart and mind. What pain and agony they live with or are running from. I believe that men have it easy when women get pregnant. And I don't believe the answer is to "even the playing field" by somehow making him miserable. I do mean that he will never know what it is like to carry a child inside his body and to experience the dramatic shifts in hormones that happen during pregnancy. He will never know the emotional ties that woman experiences with a child she has not met. He will never understand that the gender gap is real and how much more she will struggle to make enough to comfortably care for herself and a child. Or let me say, he cannot understand just HOW real it is. And the effect of it. Do I think men can be sympathetic and realize this is a real problem? Yes, I do believe that. I also believe these men are fewer and farther between than I'm comfortable with. I do have A friend who I believe really believes in the rights of women and wants those rights to be catapulted to the same front as men's rights. Rights to choose, rights to make money, rights to express oneself and not be called "hormonal" and "emotional." Men and women are different. Period. And women ARE made to be more emotional and more hormonal. We should not be punished or diminished or thought of as less-than for those things. We should not be shamed. Many women push down their feelings and feel like it's a victory to be as callous as a man in given situations. I think that is discounting some things about women that are fascinating and mystical and magical and should not be discounted. But again, I digress. 

I think women should have the GUILT FREE right to choose her path. Abortion. Adoption. Motherhood. Single parenting. Villages of support. Conservative Christian Values. Wide-open, left-wing values. 

Climbing down off the soapbox for a minute, I will say, I have a mountain of pain from a child I gave birth to and did not raise. I hurt me. I hurt her. I even hurt her father. What I mean by that is that today I can see that it's not necessarily okay to discount the father in the situation as completely as I did. But I was a kid, seventeen. And I did what I thought was right. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that little peanut was alive in there turning somersaults and sucking her thumb and I wouldn't have wanted to end her life. 

But I also know she has lived with an intense sense of abandonment and wondered why I didn't love her. That she will never know how long and hard I thought about my options and wanted the very best for her. It is beyond her comprehension because of her own pain. 

Wouldn't it be great if we all just made responsible life choices to begin with and didn't have to reap what we sow because we are faced with the dilemma of whether or not we can parent this little surprise package? That no women faced being pregnant as a product of rape or incest or incestuous rape? Wouldn't it be great if men didn't feel entitled to take whatever they want by force and women would be seen as the goddesses they are instead of discounted for sexual objects to fulfill male desires and to be discarded at will? Wouldn't it be something if our society met women wherever they are at and offered them help and hope and a place at their table? If women weren't shunned and gossiped about and turned away from the help they need because they were supposed to "get it right" before this? 

We have so much to learn as a society. I feel like I have so much to learn. How do I marry my beliefs if they contradict each other? I don't. Today I just pray about and ask God to make me a kinder, more caring human being. One that fights for other women no matter what. 

Can I get an amen?

Head Games.... just you and me baby, playing head games....

 I hate being an over-thinker. I can overthink anything. But especially relationships. I CAN overthink the color of my hair and the meaning of life and why does it only take 30 days for rabbits to reproduce (?)(gestate) (whatever it is called...). But in relationships, when it really counts, I think things like.... Did he really mean that?! or "is one of those things I should take at face value? Or is there are hidden meaning underneath?" "What is the hidden meaning?" The one that gets under my skin lately is "negative attention is better than no attention. Don't engage...." "Wait. What? You mean send a text message immediately that is full of snark and inuendo? I am ON it!" "Was that meant to be mean and snarky? Or just bitter?" "Oh, I see, I think I hurt his feelings." This one gets me because the truth is, when I feed this line to myself, I am usually excusing bad behavior and thinking it is somehow my fault for being a shitty human. Which I can be sometimes. What's really confusing to me is when I'm told that I'm caring and kind and a good person, but the behavior says, "I'm angry and bitter and you suck...." and is that really the behavior or am I just overthinking things again? Because if I don't analyze the ever-loving hell right out of this situation then I'll never get to the bottom of it and understand what is REALLY being said. 

Right now at this moment I am so beyond fighting for this. You know, part of me wants to make sure I do everything "right" to make sure that if this fails, it isn't because I didn't want it to succeed. But really, tonight, I don't care whose "fault" it is. I just know there's now so much hurt flowing under that bridge that there may not be a "right thing" anymore. I'm at the jumping off place. When I get to this place with life itself, it gives me a moment's pause. What do you mean... stop the ride I wanna get off?! 

I've thought the answers out in my head, and argued over different answers in my heart and thought until my thinker turned blue. But the truth is, I still haven't learned to communicate these thoughts in plain language, in the spoken word. There's the freezing up of the tongue. There's the complete blank out of the brain. There is the voice inside that says, "just because you thought these things were valid 2 minutes ago, does not mean they should be spoken NOW." There is the whole internal conflict and changing what I think I want to say a million times before I attempt to say it. 

And let's face it. This is just the shtuff that is about me. What about how it takes two to tango? I think there are games afoot! Head Games. a mind fuck if you will. yeah, I spit it out. I do NOT think it is all me. There's a lot that is me. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you. 

The other day I said that nothing is off limits in writing. Well, this kind of was. But tonight I felt a push. a nudge. from the dark side. Saying "just do it already...." and a couple more pushes from the other side that say.... "any attention will do and I'll do anything to get it" and "let's see if I can confuse the hell out of you.... " 

So I wonder (and no, I don't want you to answer my dilemma for me)... is this all part of the game? Just throwing it out there in the writing arena? I imagine it is. I imagine that vomiting these crazy thoughts out here is game playing 201, but isn't keeping it in and pretending it's not bugging the hell out of me kind of the same thing? Head games. Not just for amateurs anymore. 

Laugh Out Loud Moments

 This evening as I was scrolling through my Instagram, which I never do, but another slicer mentioned Instagram and I thought "I really should scroll Instagram for a change," and I found a hilarious post of my tattoo artist dressed up in a playboy bunny outfit posing for a birthday photo. This made me laugh. It gave me pause. When is the last time something absurd made me literally LOL! I don't know, but it felt so good. 

I remember sometimes on bad teaching days I would look up Gerry Brooks videos and watch them for hours. Watch and laugh. Watch and laugh. and laugh. Until the bad day wasn't such a big deal anymore. 

Right now I'm watching Reba on hulu and I do laugh at it quite a bit. The other night it was just too frickin' deep though. I cried. And the kid cried. and we had to switch to something else. 

The other thing I used to do was look up videos of Ray Stevens songs. And show them to my kids. 

Or watch the Thanksgiving WKRP "As God as my witness I thought turkeys could fly!"

Nowadays my kid sends me funny animal videos. When I can hear her giggling through a closed door and then my phone pings I know its a good one. 

I like the funny cat videos. 

What do you like to do when you realize you haven't laughed in a long while? 

Genealogy Testing

 I'm thinking about doing a DNA kit/genealogy test. Whatever they are called. Some of my kids just sent theirs off. I have seen just enough crazy stuff on Netflix and the internet to make me a little bit leery. What if I find siblings I didn't want to know I had? I have one child that I'm a little concerned about that she'll find out she has 98 siblings. 

My aunt is heavy into genealogy and there's a part of me that thinks it's a waste of money to send off for one of these tests when my aunt Karen has all the family genealogy mapped out for as far back as she can possibly go. She knows about my Suderman ancestry, Loewen ancestry, Wall Ancestry, Hagen ancestry. And I'm sure much more. These are the surnames I know. 

I do think I'll pull the trigger on this in the future. I would be curious to know what is out there and who I'm related to that I do know about and who I don't know about. It's not some mysterious thing like if I were adopted and don't really know where I came from. 

What are your experiences with this? Have you done it? Was it helpful and informative? I know it's a real thing that people's lives have been ruined through this kind of testing. Life used to be simpler in the fact that if you didn't want the world (or more specifically.... your family) to know your secrets, you could likely bury them deep enough that people wouldn't be able to overturn the soil and expose them. It is both empowering and intimidating to think about the weight of this and devastation that can be reigned down when people have carefully orchestrated fictional pasts. 

I am looking forward to learning about what my daughter's learn. Then I'll decide if I should invest in this for myself and my other two daughters. Happy hunting kids! 

Writing

 If you read my blog you know absolutely everything there is to know about me. From the depths of my soul to the top of my ego. You know what makes me tick, you know what I'm heavily opinionated about, what makes me cry, and that I battle depression on the constant. But one day recently I was talking about how I'm an open book and had blogged that day on a particularly painful subject and I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. Which started me wondering.... why is it that absolutely no topic is off limits in writing and yet some subjects remain taboo in speaking? I will be the first one to tell you I have no secrets and that I'm an open book. So what is different about allowing you into my over-sharing space of blogging and respecting social boundaries of over-sharing in speaking? Maybe it is just that, social boundaries. Or maybe it is that writing is cathartic and a window to the deepest (and shallowest) parts of me. Maybe its an ego thing where I think the whole world is entitled to my deep thoughts and grandiose insights. Maybe it is just that writing is an extension of me that flows freely. I'm not shy, I'm not awkward and easily intimidated when I'm writing. I'm not the weird kid who randomly blurts out unrelated content. I mean I am. I'm often random in my writing. And I change subjects fluidly. But when I go back and re-read them, they seem to flow. At least to my disheveled mind they do. There are plenty of people out there with disorganized brains who can follow what I write. 

My kid says I am a good story teller. So at least some of the writer's brain translates to every day. And as I have been pounding this out on my keyboard I'm coming to realize that I'm glad there's a difference between my speaking self and my writing self. I was once an over-sharer in speaking and I might still be, but not like I am in writing. In writing there's a safe distance. If it makes you uncomfortable for instance, you can stop reading. If I make you uncomfortable in person, we don't always have the option to walk away mid-sentence. I still hold this egotistical belief that what I have to say holds value for other people. That you are somehow better off knowing my intimate thoughts. I think that's not a bad viewpoint as a writer. But I also think it's self-centered and attention seeking at the same time. 

Sometimes I HAVE to write. Sometimes my mind won't allow me to move without a data dump, or an emotion dump. I'm just stuck until I spit it out. On some level I realize that this doesn't always mean someone else NEEDS to read what I wrote. But I almost always publish it anyways. 

Writing. It's freedom. It's it's own entity. It's essential. and I am still of the belief that it is beneficial to other people in some light. 

Hello There.... a new format

 I came across this in my reading last night. A new poem format to use as an introductory post. I thought it looked like fun. I copied down the beginning words for each line and am ready to give it a try! I did not remember to get the name of the person who posted it to give credit. 

Hello There...

I am a middle aged mom who used to teach Kinder and First grades. 

I keep thinking I'll go back to teaching soon, but am starting to realize that it may not be in my fate.

I wish I had more money! (Don't we all?) I would have fewer worries, a nicer house, a truck (essential to farm living), and as many critters as I could manage!

I love baby animals of all kinds. Springtime brings baby chicks, ducklings and this year even goslings to our brood. 

I dance very seldom but it's a favorite. I have come to realize that it's not a competition. In fact, virtually NO ONE at the dance hall is watching me. It just feels so good. 

I sing very well when I'm alone in the shower and no one else can hear me. Ha ha. I love to sing along with the radio! 

I think that thinking is so often overrated. But then again, most impulsive decisions really should have been thought through first. So I think I would benefit from slowing down and thinking things through more often.

I really hate poverty and the mindset this country has about poverty. Most people are working their tails off to do the best they can with what they have to work with and your judgement is not welcome or helpful.

I need a few things in life, like insurance, shelter, transportation, and a little love. 

I should remember to ask God for these things since I know He can provide.

I can choose to pray about life situations and let them go instead of worrying myself to death. Easier said than done though. 

I like a lot of things about my life today. 

I make a wicked tasty pan of enchiladas. Not "authentic" mexican, but even my grandson loves them and he's 1/2 hispanic. 

I always say I love you to my children. You never know when they need to hear it. I have a few "I always" statements. I always fuss and complain first before I remember gratitude, but eventually I always remember to be grateful. 

How about you? How would you fill this out? Take the first two words from each section and make a complete sentence. This was fun and easy and you might even know me better now.