Today is the day

 

Today is the day.... 

Hearing this inside my head gets me into a Dr. Seuss kind of rhythm, all kind of Seussy thoughts follow that beginning. 

Of course it all starts with "today is the day, you're well on your way...." and then takes off them there. Today is the day: "that I will clean my room;" "do the dishes;" "work outside;" "make some more wood signs;" and the list goes on. Generally by the time the sing-song-Seussical swirling thoughts subside I am exhausted. I might push myself to do SOMETHING (anything) creative. And right now what is easy is making fun little greeting cards. So I do that with some regularity. 

Today is the day to really turn this emotional, energetically charged, spiritual tide. That's what has been on my mind the most. Good things happen. to me. often. But I'm still drowning in loneliness, fear, ANXIETY, and discontent. I had the most beautiful and amazingly awesome night Wednesday night. For one thing, I saw a friend that I haven't seen for awhile and I did that really bizarre thing.... church. I go for the food, let's be honest. The food and to have one night that has some human interaction. I am not downplaying the significant conversations and friendships I have with my dogs, cats, ducks and one of the chickens. We chat. All. The. Time. Because hey. They understand me. They are my friends. And I live out here where they rule the world. But some human interaction is good for me. So I've gone to a Wednesday church dinner. Twice. These are the people who help me with groceries and getting things from the store and so much more. And lets be honest, I have no comfort zone right now, but if I did, this would be it. 

Let me rephrase. I have comfort in solace. I am alone. And I take comfort in it. My daughter lives with me, and our relationship is better than ever. But I am still alone. It wouldn't really matter how many people lived here. I'd be alone. Because that is the deepest part of me. Alone. Lonely. Unable to reach the other side. The more people-ey side. It is a piece of who I am. It is melancholy at best and a raging beast of sorrow and suffering at it's worst. But always there. And sometimes it is the warm shit-blanket that I comfort myself with. Sometimes it just is. And sometimes it is barley noticeable. but always there.

The loneliness can overtake me and I think it could in some lifetime gain the power to be fatal. But it is also just there to motivate. to make me say.... "today is the day... to overcome this stagnancy, this feeling of stalling out, this...." 

Oh, I got lost. Back to Wednesday. to church. to amazing freedom when I had a moment of freedom from this current situation. I went to church and I talked to God, and He to me. That is always good. Not always happy. But always good. And then I received an email (I know, I know.... don't check your email in church...). It said, "your evergy payment has posted." And you know what? It was an amount that covered my entire bill for this month. The bill that must be paid by the 15th or I'm in deep doo-doo. That one. And this HUGE (I mean H.U.G.E.) boulder came off my shoulders and I was free... free to laugh, free of worry and fretting. Free. It felt SOOOOOO good. 

But there is much to stew about and not that much to rejoice about. So it was short-lived. This freedom. But let's face it. I need to let go of more worry, focus on more good stuff, and live in the freedom. Allow it to transform my heart, to overcome the fear. So here I go, because today is the day. Today. Me. I will try freedom today and I'll enjoy any and every second. if it kills me. But it won't.

Who knew that there is a facebook group called "dance in the sun"? Or a page? Not sure, but that is where I found this picture and it made me happy and I'm now a follower. 

Having Little or No resources = being poor

 Today I'm speechless about my financial state. It sucks to be so poor. And if you know me, you know that I am never speechless. Never. But I guess what I mean today is that I want to say something and the words and that thoughts get all jumbled up and the attempts to articulate sound something like this, "Uh, I mean, urgh, blah, blippety, well shit! I can't even talk!" Like I'm tripping over my tongue and it gets all tangled up until I find my words, curse words, and then I try again. *sigh*

It's deadline time again. And we are up against a larger evergy bill this month than last month. Maybe because all these fans are tired. Or maybe because of 100º days, day after miserable summer day. I don't know but I'm scared. I'm tired of fighting to keep me head above water. I hate this. I know the government does this intentionally. Drives those of us who really NEED social security and disability to the point of no return and forces us to give in and work when we are far less than capable or forces us to go without luxuries such as electricity and running water and trash service. It's both humbling and humiliating. I am looking at the possibility of going without more of those luxuries. This is maddening and frightening. In specific, I am in danger of losing my electricity. Evergy/Westar needs $448 by the 15th or my payment agreement will be considered defaulted on and then I'll owe over $1000 with no grace and no payment agreement option. 

Today is the day to pick up that 1000 pound telephone and make calls to resources. This is exhausting just to think about. The truth is, if I don't accomplish this by a certain time of day, I am too tired from all the fear and anxiety to actually do it. Anxiety and depression are crippling. And this system we have in America is not actually for the working class American, but that is an entire rant all unto itself. 

Begging. Not my favorite. Going without electricity.... terrifying.