Just a quick pit stop

 "Get counseling" they say. "There's treatment for that" they say. "There's a special therapy for that" they say. "Bullshit" I say.

I really don't know. I really think there's something stuck in there. Inside. Where the things go round and round in my mind. But I've therapized, and counselized, and group therapied, and dug deep many a time before. And I'm scared. But I've turned into something, someone, I don't like. A dirty someone. Someone who doesn't keep up with the house, who has too many animals, whose house smells like animals, who has trash on the floor, who has more stuff than space to keep it in.

So what's next? Cuz I don't want to live here. But to get "back" from here (ha! back to where? just back from the middle of hell I guess), is a much bigger thing than getting here. And it looks like a long and winding road. Probably full of painful truths. I am real sick of painful truths. 

So is there a way out of here? I suppose that there is. But I'll just re-iterate, there's a lot of fear. And scoffing and disbelief. Which leads back around to hopelessness. and it feels like a vicious cycle.

Random observations.....

"It's normal" they say. The feeling of apathy and of floating through life without a rhyme or reason. What's my purpose? Apparently its common for those of us on disability to feel like we lack a purpose, like we're just being propelled along and living life with no real purpose or meaning. But common or not, it's exhausting and it's real. It's big. It's both quiet and roaring. Sometimes the din of the noise in my head is all-encompassing. But sometimes the deafening sound is just the sound of silence. Nothingness. 

Today my prayer is that I find a purpose and grasp onto it with a vengeance. That I don't feel directionless and floating.

Random thought of the day.... I never ever thought I'd feel victorious when I pay my own energy bill. But every time I am able to pay my own Evergy bill, I feel powerful. I feel like I just won. I never thought this would be privilege of adulthood that I would revere. But boy does it feel like a victory every time I have paid this bill after almost a year of relying on the goodness of others to pay it for me. Paying bills is a mundane privilege and to call it a privilege is just an annoying term for obligation. But today, I know that the ability to pay bills can fall outside the scope of things inside my control. And it's no longer just a hum-drum obligation, but a privilege of adulting that I've taken for granted and now know can be lost just as easily as being obtainable. Today I'm grateful for the mundane act of paying bills.