"Get counseling" they say. "There's treatment for that" they say. "There's a special therapy for that" they say. "Bullshit" I say.
I really don't know. I really think there's something stuck in there. Inside. Where the things go round and round in my mind. But I've therapized, and counselized, and group therapied, and dug deep many a time before. And I'm scared. But I've turned into something, someone, I don't like. A dirty someone. Someone who doesn't keep up with the house, who has too many animals, whose house smells like animals, who has trash on the floor, who has more stuff than space to keep it in.
So what's next? Cuz I don't want to live here. But to get "back" from here (ha! back to where? just back from the middle of hell I guess), is a much bigger thing than getting here. And it looks like a long and winding road. Probably full of painful truths. I am real sick of painful truths.
So is there a way out of here? I suppose that there is. But I'll just re-iterate, there's a lot of fear. And scoffing and disbelief. Which leads back around to hopelessness. and it feels like a vicious cycle.
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