Here I Go Again....

 I have decided I need to be blogging again. But I'm super unenthusiastic about the whole thing. I don't feel like I'm interesting. To myself or anyone else. But I also feel the need to purge a growing surge of emotion. It feels as though I'm slowly coming back to life. I've just been really apathetic and dead inside. and exhausted. all. the. time. But memes on Facebook make me aware that being perpetually exhausted is part of adulthood. zero stars. not a fan. want a refund and to not be an adult anymore. 

It's been three years since my dad died. This floors me. because I miss him and grieve for him every single day of my life. I've decided it's okay to just be sad still. I guess I thought it was time not to be sad all the time? idk. But I realized that a large piece of my depression stems from this deep sadness and that there's no logical ending place to it. I can't make it make sense. I can't will myself to be better. 

Every day I have these giant epiphanies about life growing up and being Gib Suderman's flesh and blood. There may not be any way to express/explain this as it is both huge and trivial at the same time and has to do with my need to be loved, my crazy adolescence, the giant hole in my soul, and so much more. Dad had a hole in his soul too and knowing this explains so much about him to me. The gaping hole he tried to fill with fun (he was a fun guy), with women, with adrenaline rushes (coyote hunting, 4-wheel riding, racing, etc.), with work, with church. My dad was such a compassionate guy. He always told me about this hole in his heart that only I could fill. He also told my kids this. He was big on talking about this. I catch myself saying this to my own kids. 

I completely needed to pound this out and cry as I typed. I feel like there should be more. This is unfinished. But I'm about done. Put a fork in me.

Oh, we surrendered our big dog, Princess, today to the humane society in Newton. So I probably needed to cry that out too. I've been deeply saddened by this today. She needed to go. She has killed two guineas now. One she killed twice. I know that isn't really possible, but just go with it. I snatched that guinea from her and Alice (the little black terrier) and put it in the barn even though I was pretty sure it wouldn't live through the night. It lived. and healed and then that damn dog killed it. again. And more recently she killed our guinea who harassed the chickens tirelessly, and we called him Lucy, short for Lucifer. The thing is, Princess was supposed to be our farm dog that I could take with me everywhere, that didn't have an electronic shock collar, that didn't need to be in the fence. The guard dog. But she mostly lived her life tethered to a cable in the yard because she tried to kill the chickens and guineas. So she didn't get to live the life of privilege. But her and I were pretty bonded. I'm pretty heart-broken that we had to get rid of her. If I wanted to get rid of birds and just keep dogs, she could stay. But the way it stands, she can't stay. We want to have ducks and chickens and guineas. When we got Princess she was severely underweight. And she didn't really know what it was to just be loved. She is still scared of being beaten... we have never beaten her. But when she does something she knows is wrong, she will not come to me (or anyone else) out of fear. She trusted me. I feel rotten for abandoning her at the shelter. And the tears wouldn't come. Until I started talking about my depression and the constant missing of my Dad. I miss him so ridiculously much.