Last night I had a vivid dream about my Dad. We were establishing our own farm on the Suderman ground he loved so much. My Dad. I woke feeling encouraged. Because Gib never got down and stayed down. Not even in the hospital. Maybe at the end, when he knew he was dying and there was nothing he could do about it. But even in the daily fight to beat those little leeches in his brain, he never stayed down. I didn't understand his plans to fish with Duke and why he was so obsessed. But then I realized it was hope. It gave him a goal. And there was no goal he couldn't reach. Pure positivity and love for life and sheer determination. That was all it took. These are no small things. The more I reflect on all he overcame in his life, the more in awe I am of him. If the only obstacle he'd ever faced was that of his Mom leaving this earth when he was eight years old, that would be enough. But this tragedy set a whole lot of other adverse situations into place for him, from being separated from his siblings when they were farmed out to different relatives that first year or so, living with different aunts and uncles, to then getting a "new Mom" who didn't understand him, to a dad who didn't know how to temper his own sorrow and frustrations. These events being the tip of an iceberg that was his life.
Why? Why am I obsessed with my Dad's life and trying to figure it out? I guess I believe I'll miraculously find answers to the mixed up mess I call my life too. And I want to know where I come from. You know, in relationships they say that you keep repeating the same thing over and over until you change first. I want to know why I pick the ones I pick and do the things that I do.
And if we're going down that road... I think I have a good one right now. But it doesn't come natural to me to choose things that are good for me. It's a head decision, not a hormone/heart decision (are these two things really all that different? When we fall "head over heels in love" is it not really a hormone thing? I think so, because it is often something that makes no sense, it's just this overwhelming rush). Which I suppose is also part of adulthood. I know plenty of friends who've gotten a good one by sheer luck and powers beyond their own control. Maybe that has finally happened for me since I've surely prayed for that long enough.
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