Friday, December 5, 2014

The black depression cloud and some realizations

I've been struggling with my depression lately. Not so much of a struggle really, it is overwhelming to me. I have become aware that I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was depressed in elementary school. Who's depressed when they are 8? I guess the answer is me. Maybe before that. I was seven in the Second grade and I remember that was year that I started to realize that nobody liked me. The popular churchy kids didn't like me, the teachers didn't like me, school administration didn't like and well, my parents didn't like me either. If I gauge according to how I felt as a kid, then I probably don't like my kids either. I feel so terribly guilty about how I just check out and don't really focus on them. Which leads me to my next thought... my parents probably had their own depression or otherwise known as sleep-around-and-blame-each-other-for-their-indescretions that they didn't know how to deal with. How do I break this cycle. Obsessing over it my whole life has not made it happen. Having great things happen hasn't freed me. I look at the miracle of my Habitat home and I know it is a gift, not something I "deserve" and I feel so undeserving. Some days I want the black cloud to open up and rain down hell upon me. Many days. Today I feel unsuccessful because I can't beat back this feeling anymore. I don't know how to beat it.