Sometimes blog posts come in spurts, these explosions of emotion or rants or thoughts that ignite and must be shared. And I wonder how I can make a more reader friendly version. But then I lose the flow. The crazy, mixed up flow, that once it starts, demands to be finished and every rabbit hole explored.
So yesterday was a learning day, a growing day, an oh-shit day. Because no growth happens in rainbows and butterfly days. So today as I process my own trauma and what my part is in that, I think to myself, "Well Care (because I call myself Care sometimes), you are learning something new, something big, or the universe wouldn't have thrown this at you." I don't know yet if I believe myself. Sometimes my optimism lies to me. But always believing in new beginnings.... priceless. Okay, maybe priceless is not the exact right word. Maybe what I'm looking for resembles hope. Everyday a new beginning.... hopefulness. It doesn't ring the same as the old American Express motto/slogan. When I journal/blog, I have this great a-ha moment, hour, day. This time where I realize that my mind goes in circles at 90 miles an hour all day long and never stops. It does slow down sometimes. Usually when I need it to hurry up and process some piece of information. Then I find it meandering aimlessly through the past inside my head.
A particular sadness that I carry with me is that sometimes (many times?) I say things that don't make sense. Things that are polar opposites of my core beliefs. This giant flaw makes me think my sanity is tenuous at best. Absent at most. I'm not one to think that people who battle mental health issues are crazy. It's a part of life and there are ways to heal mental illnesses. But when I have these lapses in reason, I know that I am totally bat-shit-planet-of-the-apes crazy. I guess I am can console myself that I am not "basic." Nor boring. But sometimes I just want all the noise to stop. To cease. To give me a rest. No wonder I am tired all. the. time. *sigh*
I have been told (by people I love) of things I said or did, actions I took, that are not consistent with my beliefs. And never were. I know that today my belief system has changed considerably from the ones I held in my younger years. The BD years. Before Divorce. Do other people split their lives up according to events? "The Divorce." That was a big one for me. There is before divorce and after divorce. I have a life before middle child, after middle child. Before Punky, after Punky. Before getting my teaching degree and license, after the start of my teacher life. There will likely be another one here. Teaching/after-teaching.
Today I struggle to find optimism, and I feel as if I really am a failure. Those old voices, ghosts, demons are yelling and shouting inside my head. Counting up the numerous, frequent, fails of late. I have been saying that I am going to learn from my failings, that failure is the building block to success because it leads to growth. True statement. But here I sit, warm and happy in my pile of shit, a failure.
