Friday, March 7, 2025

Feeling Frantic

 I'm off to see the wizard! Okay, I already live in Oz, so it's not that far of a jaunt, right? Actually I'm off to a Women's Sleepover. No husbands, pets, or kids. I can't wait. But.... I'm already behind and still packing. And panicking. And I feel like I have little rip off's of posts for my Slice's so far this March. But I do NOT want to miss it completely. I am taking my computer and plan to sneak off to the coffee shop tomorrow to write and sip coffee in peace. 

I still have to pack crafting supplies.... I said I'd lead a craft, why I said that I don't know now. I can't really believe that I said it. Not because I won't enjoy it, I will. I like that kind of stuff. I was a Creative Memories consultant and LOVED it. And I was a teacher, and loved that. So.... it is just my supreme lack of organization and planning that is biting me in the ass today. And causing more panic, more distress.

I still have to pack snacks. Oh boy. 

What I do have done.... clothes are packed, bedding is packed, kids' instructions for all the chores I do around here that nobody really notices but the darn place can't run without them, that lengthy list and instruction letter is done.

It is almost 4 and dinner is at 5 and it's a 30 minute drive. Oh boy. Feeling so panicked makes kind of shut down. My brain works slower, my limbs literally move more slowly, I feel a little numb, and a lot like I'm in the Twilight Zone. 

But I gotta keep my eye on the prize.... Women's Sleepover. No husband (not that it matters since I've been single twice as long as I was married), no kids (woohoo! I love 'em but I need a break....) and no pets (it's not so much the pets I need a break from as the other animals (chicks: baby chicks and half grown chicks, silkie chickens, various breeds of full-sized chickens, and our ducks). Oh I guess pets in this regard.... the new puppy. I loves him. I do. But he's a baby and that = work. 

So I'm off! To finish packing and to see the wizard-ette (is that a witch?)! Happy Slicing! Be sure to comment on other slices. Read everyone's Slice of Life


here

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Five Things.... a glimpse of my day

 Five Things.... 

Five things about today. 

One.... I got up at 4 am, which is stupid-early for me. We (my youngest) had a doctor appointment with a specialist and it was a 3-ish hour drive. So..... we left here a couple minutes before 5 a.m., and it's a good thing we left when we did because we live in the boonies, and there is no such thing as a morning rushhour or traffic jams. 

Two.... the Dr. visit was good. It was more like maintenance. We were on the road home after labs and everything by 10:30 this morning. 

Three.... I was ecstatic to get home and love on my puppy. He is a joy. He's going to need some training. He chased the ducks today and didn't stop when I tried to call him. We are pricing shock collars as I type. 

Four.... one of the baby chicks has splay leg and is a little weak and idk.... not great. So I cleaned his face (one eye wouldn't open for some reason), and we made a little makeshift splint (?) out of a hair rubber band and a plastic straw piece, and then I dunked his head in the water so that he would drink. I'll check on him again later and see if I can get him to drink a little more so he'll get stronger. 

Five.... tonight is the night I share dinner with my friends. They call it "fellowship meal" and all I have to do is show up and I get fed. I get some social time and a meal. It's a total win for me. And I'm sure its a win for them too because they get the pleasure of my company. bwahahahahaha. 

That's my five things for today. 

If you want to read more about other people's Slice of Life, follow the link, or click on the orange. 



Wednesday, March 5, 2025

"Hello There" a fun format to try

 Hello There...

I am a crazy chicken momma, living her best life, and aspiring to be an old hippie.

I keep thinking I'm gonna make ends meet one day soon, but I'm not so sure.... 

I wish the world would spin a little slower. Life's going by too fast.

I love baby animals of all kinds. They just make me happy. I am currently loving on a baby pup, our new Livestock Guardian Dog, Duke, who is just in training now, as he's only 8 weeks old. 

I dance to the oldies. Brown-eyed Girl always makes me want to cut a rug.

I sing in the car... a lot. It's not usually on-key. But oh well.

I think but not too often. Seriously though, I'm an empath. Whatever I feel, I do.

I really would like to stay home and snuggle my puppy today. But I am going out of town today.  

I need .... peace of mind. Life is chaotic at best.

I should leave the worry to a power greater than myself, because I'm just not all that powerful.

I can do all things through Christ, but there are a lot of things I don't really want to do anymore. 

I like black coffee, leggings, little chicks, puppies and kitties. People not so much anymore.  

I make the best of what I can and try not to mope too long if things don't go according to my plan. 

I always find hope. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but it will show up again. My Dad could never be kept down and every day he awoke excited for the day. I wish I had that level of hope and excitement, but I know I got my dogged determination from my Dad as well. 

I found this format last year during the Slice of Life challenge and today I went back and found it so I could reuse it. I thought it was fun. 

Today I teach my neice and nephew science "in person." There are 2 zoom days, 2 independent assignment days and today, in-person day. I look forward to this day every week. It is a 45 minute commute to my sister's house and she pays my gas and usually pays me in other ways too, often sending different kinds of meat home with me. Meat is so expensive these days. I'm so grateful for all the help. By the way sis, we're set on german sausage for a little bit, and bacon too. I can NOT wait to make all the things with bacon..... french toast with a side of bacon, BLT's, Bacon cheeseburgers, just to name a few. 

The wind if still biting, but the sun is shining. I'm so grateful for the sunshine today. 

If you want to read more Slices of Life, follow the link. Or click on the giant orange slice. 



Tuesday, March 4, 2025

Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow....

 Yesterday.... 

When I think of yesterday, 

I think of all the lifetimes I have lived.

I remember the pain,

the heartaches, 

the failures.

So much loss, confusion,

pain, and ignorance.


Today.... 

I have hope.

I believe that I am worthy of forgiveness,

that I can be accountable for my actions,

I can be free of my past.


Tomorrow....

is not here yet. 

I will let tomorrow worry about itself, 

I don't know what tomorrow holds.

-Carrie Horn

Today my slice is using the format.... yesterday- today- tomorrow. I put my own twist on it. Thinking of the old addage: yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery.... I forget the today part. My brain is kind of mashed potatoes tonight. 

To read other slices of life follow the link.



Monday, March 3, 2025

A Day in the Life, Springtime Version

Well, well, well.... deep subject, right? I just tried to edit a picture caption and my entire post disappeared and no amount of "undo" was fixing it. So here I am, retyping the entire post. *sigh*

Springtime on the farm is a time for new life. Any chicken people will tell you the pull of the farm store is strong this time of year. Maybe I'll just "look" at the baby chicks.... and take 6 or 12 or 15 home with me. Do not let me in the store with money in my account or cash in my pocket! Yikes! 

It's also time for lots of new life at the Poultry auction. All sorts of new life. In fact, I have so many slices that can generate from auction! But for today, I will stay closer to home. Like my kitchen countertop. Because doesn't every small time farm girl keep an incubator on her kitchen countertop? I have a dream that one day when our very pieced together, somewhat sketchily built back room/porch area is completely insulated, that we'll be able to set up the incubator back there. But as of now, temperatures still fluctuate too much back there and wreak havoc on the temperature control in the incubator. And the humidity, which isn't as relevant any more since we've switched to dry incubating. And this one is even a dry hatch. Previously, I have added water to bring the humidity up for hatching once we reach "lock down." Lock down, when the egg turner rack comes out and water is added and the human does not open the lid or mess with the humidity at all. Which I still don't. And lock down is still a thing even though we're not adding the water. Except that.... I am "only" doing the part where I don't open the incubator at all. Saturday night I thought to myself, "I should maybe check on our baby chicks in the incubator, I think they're only a few days from hatch." Maybe I should have had that thought 12-24 hours earlier because when I looked in the window, two chicks had hatched already! Today, Monday, there were 12 chicks hatched and several more "pipped." When they pip, it means they have chipped through the shell and are making a hole to break out of. When they get a line around the shell that looks  to me like a zipper then I say they are "zipped." Is this is a chicken term? I'm not sure if it's one of the many terms I've learned in the four years that I've been incubating eggs, or if it is something I just pulled out of my wacky-weird cranium as a way to describe the hatching process. 
Hatch days are a little bit like Christmas.... there's a ton of excitement and anticipation, you have some idea what you're gonna get, but there are a ton of details that you will get surprised about. Like coloring. Our hens this time are all silkies, some are satin silkies, but we had removed all the cochin bantams that weren't silkies or satin silkies from our hens before gathering these eggs. They are all black, white, or some combination or black/white. We have a couple "low expression" splash hens and one very "high expression" splash hen (this is a white feathered bird with a "splash" of black on it. The low expression hens have just tiny little black dots and not a whole lot of them, but the more prolific one, the high-expression one, is white with lots of black "splashed" on her feathering in varying size patterns. This hatch might have the possiblity of having our previous silkie Roo as the "father", and we have a little red Cochin Frizzle Roo we named Mr. Red. Our last Silkie roo was just a little too submissive and most, if not all, of our babies were fathered by Mr. Red. So to auction he did go (the silkie roo). We have since acquired another Silkie Roo that we named Mr. Sassafrass. Cuz he's got some sass in his "frass." Mr. Sass will not have any babies in this hatch, but in a few days I'll be re-loading the incubator and then we'll have some eggs that would be his. 
Our new-to-us Roo, Mr. Sassafrass


Our cochin Frizzle Roo, Mr. Red.
You can tell by the pic that we don't bring them in, even in the extremest of temps, 
as he has a little evidence of frostbite on his comb. 
Today we are watching closely to see what surprises the incubator will bring us. So far, by my count, we had 12 at 1pm. I can't wait to get home from town and count again! 

I was hoping I had taken a picture where you could see a splash that we hatched, but I don't think I have one. The other two photos I had were blurrier. It is hard to get a good picture through that window. 

I'm adding a few photos of chicks in varying stages of development. We've been preparing for March and April auction since the first of November! 
This is from our first hatch of this season, they hatched on Thanksgiving Day!
This chick has the features of a Satin Silkie, the feathering being more "satin" and not the thinner, fluffier silkie type feather. I think the coloring on this bird is amazing and it is super soft to pet. 

This little one is called a Sizzle, he's a silkie/frizzle. I don't know if he is actually a he, I have not heard any crowing yet at all. 

This lil dude is from our last hatch (the one before this current, happening-right-now hatch). He's probably 5 weeks old. Most of this pen is going through the awkward tween phase. This guy is a little ugly-cute, but he's mostly cute. He is a Sizzle. 

There was one more hatch between the two, but they are all in their ugly, awkward stage. I am hoping and praying (fingers crossed) that they get cuter soon.

So that is today's "slice of life." The miracle of new life and the excitement of hatch days. 
To read about other "slices of life" follow this link to Two Writing Sisters, Slice of Life Challenge, Day 3, and find lots of other posts in the comments! 


Friday, February 14, 2025

"Get Over It"?! Really?! Ranting here because so far, MY freedom of speech isn't censored.

 Yesterday I came across a post on a "Christian" "friend's" page. It really got me hot and fired up. One thing about the Republican Right that I see is the sharing of opinion as fact and then stating, "that's a fact" and then carrying on about how the liberal left are liars. Usually this accusation is accompanied by name-calling... snowflakes, libtards, etc. But calling a group of people liars is ridiculous, because a) you don't know the entire body of people, and b) from what I can tell, you can't name an actual real account of lies, but rely heavily on what others (conservative "Christian" radio for one) say. I mean, if the good reverend said it, it must be true. 

Here's a link to the post. I'm sure its viral amongst these good, Christian people. And yes, my bias is showing. My blog, my opinions. Which I will temper with tidbits of truths. Because we all know the saying about opinions. 

Point number 1 of this post mentions, and states it as a fact:  "We are pulling the economic weight in this country and we are tired of pulling the weight of those that do not contribute."

Who in the hell established that people who are unhappy with the person elected into the white house in the position of the 47th president are not contributors?! This is not fact. It is literal bullshit. (Remember, opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one and it generally stinks). This is a direct affront on pretty much any minority in this country right now, or dare I say, any marginalized population. It is a slam to people of color, to immigrants, to the working class, to the impoverished, and many others of your neighbors, you good Christians that you are. 

Same objection to point number 2! I was just going to copy the really idiotic parts of this point, but now here I am, copying the entire section. Here it is in its glory: If you haven't already, get a job. Every business in the country is hiring. And you get paid for the work you do. And the harder you work and the more you learn, the faster you will advance, and the more you will earn. It's an amazing concept.

Here we come to my point of contention: "If you haven't already, get a job." This is extremely assumptive and diminuitive, to just believe that people who don't like your president are people who don't or won't work. This is an extremely over-accepted view and that is rampant among a large throng of the population. But it's not based in reality. Apparently, statistically, it is harder to get to the polls to vote if you are holding down a job. Many Americans would vote if they could get to the polls without losing those oh-so-plentiful jobs you are talking about. And let's talk about those, shall we? Where does your information come from about said jobs? Anyone can look at some business's hiring sign and say.... jobs are abundant, you just aren't looking. The thing is, when there is pool of workers that is as overwhelming as it is in this market, industry doesn't even have to personally skim through those applications that the candidates literally spent hours and days filling out. There are systems for this stuff, and people are filtered out by algorithms and AI. Surely not. Surely the fact that I'm a hard worker and I have the references and letters of recommendation to prove it will catapult me to the top of the list, front of the line. Nope. I never even make the line/list. "Thank you for your interest in this position, we have chosen to follow another line of interest at this time and encourage you to apply again in the future." Or some such similar bullshit. I could carry on in this area for a long time with RAW DATA, you know, personal experience of myself and my family members. But there's so much more to rant about....

"And you get paid for the work you do. And the harder you work and the more you learn, the faster you will advance, and the more you will earn. It's an amazing concept."

Too bad it's just a concept and not reality. Let's start with "and you get paid for the work you do...." That is the hope. But people are being scammed out of their time and labor every day. If you are in an immigrant, you can be preyed upon again and again and again. "The harder you work and more you learn...." really?! Because that isn't what is see. I see that who you know and who you can schmooz is really what it is about. Also, hard workers are generally taken advantage of. If you work circles around your co-workers, expect to be given more responsibility for the same pay or a token raise that isn't really equal to the responsibility piled on. I have seen this over an over again. I do give all I have to jobs, but I'm too ADHD to really get ahead of the crowd. But I have a lot of highly intelligent, organized friends. And I have watched them get driven into the ground with added responsibility because they worked harder and learned more than their colleagues.

But this is also the place where we talk about the difference between working class jobs and middle class jobs. Maybe you middle class people have the voting power and this is YOUR president ("get over it...."), but you do not work harder than entry level workers. There are not more exhausting jobs than the jobs you find in fast food, in housekeeping, in retail cashier positions. Not to mention that working conditions are generally brutal. Standing, walking, pivoting on cement floors for 8 or 9 hours at a time. Being expected to "be the face of the company" while the ones making the money are sitting at a desk and sipping coffee and eating snacks and donuts and whatever they desire throughout their work day, while the "lower level" employees get the privilege of doing that during their 15 minute gvernement mandated break. And they are welcome to sit down during that time, but you know, once you're on the clock, "if you have time to lean, you have time to clean..." Who says that anyway?! People who don't have to clean if they lean. Entry level workeres are blowing out knee joints and hips doing minimum wage jobs. Making less money, getting less sleep, working more hours and maybe multiple jobs, to keep a roof over their families heads. But yeah, IF they can do it, long enough, and hard enough, they can advance. It's not the same as starting out in middle class. But if, and only if, they can make it to that next level of society, they might get to start taking care of their health. Those government health programs that yall are bitching about people getting for nothing, don't actually work that way. And furthermore, when you live in the cut throat world of minimum wage jobs, you don't have the luxury of being sick, of going to doctor appointments, or scheduling hours of treatments to improve your health. Let's face it. You're replaceable. But yes, please, keep accusing "these people," the people that in my experience work the hardest in the harsher environments for the least wages, of being ungrateful whiners who just don't want to improve their own situation. Who are just bitching and moaning because your middle class Christian president just cut the affordable prescription legislation and our generic meds are now double and triple what they were because of our "free" health care that us lazy people get.

Whelp! I have so much more to say, but I know that tomorrow or the next day when I get riled up again, my soapbox will be just a keyboard away and I'll come back to this (or I won't) and I'll rant about whatever is stuck in my working class craw. Because lets face it, these rants are physically and mentally draining and I'm out of steam.

P.S. I love Jesus. But please don't call me a Christian. These are people I am coming to despise on an ever-deepening level.

Friday, December 27, 2024

Tragically Broken

 First of all, I am obsessed with JellyRoll of late. He seems to say the things I feel and can't seem to put into words. I have a couple current faves, starting with "Save Me.

Somebody save me, me from myself
I've spent so long living in Hell
They say my lifestyle is bad for my health
It's the only thing that seems to help
All of this drinkin' and smokin' is hopeless
But feel like it's all that I need
Somethin' inside of me's broken
I hold on to anything that sets me free
I'm a lost cause
Baby, don't waste your time on me
I'm so damaged beyond repair
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

It's been years and years and dare I even say it, YEARS, since I have I've actually descended into the depths of hell in the bottle and the pills and chemicals. But the desire to leave my life behind and escape the chaos of my mind has been looming large of late. And I even had a recent taste of the pain of my life being greater than my desire to stay clean, I had a brief, very brief (abbreviated) relapse. But I had too much program time and the voice in my head saying, "You need to get honest with yourself about the reality of your recovery...." and chose to get honest and restart my clean time. After 36 years. It was humbling. Is humbling. What gets to me about this song (and I only posted some of the lyrics), is the chorus: "I'm a lost cause" "don't waste your time on me" "I'm so damaged beyond repair, Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams". This has been my mindset for as long as I can remember. I can envision little Carrie, under school age, crying and broken and not knowing why she was so shattered. That's where I really connect with the lyric, "somethin' inside of me's broken..." And it is reality that I seek anything that drowns out that feeling. I live in a state of denial even without mood altering substances. And alcohol was my poison. But recently I discovered Oxy. I've known for a long time I'm an addiction switcher. Because I just want the pain to stop. Tattoos, relationships, jobs.... these are often ways for me to escape myself. I'll just tell you, tattoos, they just hurt so good. No wonder my relationship failed, if I really believe I'm a lost cause. And that is probably the crux of it. 

But I have also been knee-deep in the life of the prodigal "son." I've come home, and my Father dropped everything and killed the fatted calf. We've celebrated. Because the depression last December ('23) was concerning. I wasn't sure I'd survive 2024. Holding on for my babies was getting more and more difficult. 

Remorse over past actions, damage done to people I love, in sobriety, has been the bain of my existence. My children have literally begged me to forgive myself. I am afraid to. I am so scared that this action will equal a free pass and I'll forget the pain I inflicted. I'll forget and repeat it. Truth be told, I'll never forget, and holding myself to a higher standard of perfection than humanly possible, actually increases my likelihood to repeat the behaviors. But head knowledge doesn't penetrate the heart, or the brokeness. 

But I'm asking God to heal my brokenness. And one of the things that has started the healing has happened in the last few years. Forgiving others, letting go of anger, and accepting that they may or may not have the ability to be what I need or what I needed as a child. 

So this bring me to my next Jelly Roll obsession. His recent hit, "I Am Not Okay" is also a winner with me. And some days I do not know that "it's all gonna be all right...." but I want to believe this. And the truth is... God has always taken care of my dumb ass, so why wouldn't he continue doing that right now? 


Getting back into my faith brings me to a level of Jesus Lover (I am a bit opposed to calling myself a Christian, because American Christians are also the bain of my existence.... they are not new testament Christ followers.... they are Pharisees) that is a bit eccentric (translation: weird, extreme). Being an extreme Jesus-lover means I pray about everything, even the little things, and I tell God when I'm pissed off at Him and I need His help. And I know that everything, everything, is figure-out-able with God. But not really with self. I am not enough. 

God has told me some things. One thing He's been telling me for awhile now, but I'm finally convinced it is really God not just me pretending to hear something I want to hear.... is that He is not calling me to a great job where all my needs will be met. God has been telling me that He's calling me to rely on His ability to do miracles in the world today. And that I can't do it. You know, I'm on disability and it is a wild and hilarious ride. To explain just a little bit: at the end of 2023, we were in a financial bracket that made me eligible for medicaid to pay my medicare premium (about $163/mo), and also provided us with $233/month for groceries. When my cost of living expense increased by $48/month, I lost both of these benefits, an approximate $400 ($396) a month. Does this seem equal some how? I've been pedaling as fast as I can trying to make ends meet.... using school loan money for my kid(the child, not the goat), selling my little crafty stuff, selling the produce of the farm, like eggs, and baby chicks, and our kids (the goats, not the people). But it's never enough. This fall, I finally was able to take the district training I needed to start Substitute teaching in a nearby district. I need to do this approximately 4 full days a month to make enough to meet the debts. My cost of living "raise" this year is a whopping $38/month. I just wonder what all benefits we'll lose with this so-called raise. But life continues to happen.

Our septic system has encountered a little hiccup. And we've found through some miraculous financial contributions, and labors of love of Christ-followers (the kind I actually want to be like), a semi-permanent fix. It's not a forever fix, but it works for now. As life keeps on happening. And happening. Last week we got up to no running water. Our well pump died. It appears that something bit a wire and burned out the pump. But the truth is, it is a blessing. Our pressure switch was running overtime and the electrician pointed out it was glowing red all the time, pulling more electricity and not getting real results, and this had been happening for awhile. The well pipes were rusted through, and our water pressure has always been questionable for us in the four years we've been here. But the thing is, the pump was $539, at the cheapest price we could find. And then there's parts that need replaced labor. So I first asked God for a miracle. Then I posted my dilemma on social media. And aha! Miracles happened!! Miracles with skin on. I had an offer from a loved one to buy the pump that same day! I also had two friends offer to contribute $250 each! That covered the debt! But to make things sweeter.... the electrician donated a large part of his labor. And over the cost of the well, we only had to pay $250 total. This led to each person donating $125. One person told me that she had plans for $100 of the $250 going to a different Christmas benevolent gift, but felt that running water was an emergency and so was going to forego that gift in order to bless us. With the gift of the electrician's time and hard work, she was able to help us and make the other benevolent gift she had already planned. God blessed two families through the humble gift of one man and his generous contribution of labor. 

I could never have afforded this expense on my own. And God has assured me that this is going to happen again and I'm going to have to rely on the love of others to cover the costs. It's comforting and frightening at the same time and goes against the whole "American Dream" theory of being self-sufficient and that this is somehow the Christian way of life. This is the Americanized Christianity that is often judgmental and hateful. And God tells me I am not going to be able to achieve these things. Not by His grace anyway. His way is the old-fashioned way where fellow Jesus-lovers take care of those who cannot take care of themselves. God tells me that I'm chosen for this and it's a special calling. I live in the middle of the American midwest, and it does not feel special, chosen, successful by the standards of this "Christian nation." 

As I continue to chase after Jesus and find myself still feeling very much like the first Jelly Roll song I posted, I find myself singing at the top of my lungs when my latest favorite song comes on.... Liar. And I usually end it by saying something smartassy to Satan, like "yeah Satan, you are a LIAR!" 


To summarize: 

  • Jelly Roll obsessed... because I have always been aware that I'm broken. And that I just something to stop the pain and Jelly Roll addresses this in so many of his songs that I love. 
  • God loves me and shows me that miracles are real all the time. 
  • God has called me to be my weird, authentic, quirky self.
  • God's calling on my life is not really something that is in line with the American Way.
  • I'm blessed in my brokenness and my life is a miracle.