A new kind of teaching....

 The art of teaching is never an exact science. There's an art, and there's a science, but they are fluid. It's been five years since I've been in a classroom. But this year I chose to teach science to my home-schooled niece and nephew. It has been a rewarding adventure. First of all, there's an age gap... my niece is sixteen and my nephew twelve. So technically there's a bit of gap. But my niece is also developmentally delayed and fights with some significant learning disabilities. Ick, I don't like the words "learning disabilities" but for lack of a more appropriate way of describing her setbacks... she has some processing disorders that slow her down. My nephew may quite possibly be brilliant but he is also a genius at avoidance tactics. So anyway... this year has kept me in teacher mode quite a lot. When I am on top of my game, I write detailed plans and much is accomplished. We also go with the flow. The ebb and flow of natural rhythms, of the difference between homeschool and public school, and hormones and emotional and academic struggles. I have used every strategy in my toolbelt this year. But the rewards are giant. I don't know if my niece and nephew are enjoying what we're learning, but I have had a blast! I love it. But there is so much more.

I am building trust and relationship with my niece and nephew. They are struggling with being adopted. My niece has some nice little fantasies about her "bio family" as she puts it and how it will be a perfect reunion. And my nephew has resentments and mistrust from/for his biological family. He has a lot of anger, and hurt, and general disdain for the world. But we email a lot for school. Our school "set up" is roughly (there is a lot of being flexible on days I sub in a public school classroom or someone has a doctor appointment or other scheduling conflicts): Monday, Friday we Zoom. Tuesday and Thursday assignments and expectations are given through email and assignments returned via email. Wednesday is our in-person learning day when I drive to their house and we "do school" in person. One expectation is that they check their email every day. And respond in a timely manner. I try to put times on the expectations. But I digress... the joy here is that I have been receiving emails from each of them about various things in their lives and they trust me to talk to me, to ask me to pray for them, to ask me for direction, affirmation and advice. It is the best feeling ever. 

My teacher heart is happy. But my Auntie heart is overflowing.

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Simple Joys

 I woke up today in love with Springtime. It does something for my soul. The cool, crisp morning that I know will give way to a warm, sun-drenched afternoon. I found my morning routine to hold joy today. I helped my kiddo by taking care of her goats this morning. This is not a really a chore because it is a joy. These little babies have been ours for a week and a half now and they came to us YOUNG. Much younger than we anticipated. The one that was only 5 weeks when she came to us is happily bottle feeding and making huge growth. She's hefty and heavy. Her "sister" (they are not from the same momma), is a little older, and she refuses to take a bottle, but the vet said her tummy hurts because she was weaned too soon. She was also running a fever the day we took her to the vet. But she's improving. And oh-so-lovable! These little goaties bring me joy! I also found joy in letting the puppy out of his kennel and putting him in the pen. He is learning how to be a goat and hanging out in the goat pen. Does this sometimes equal him getting head-butted? Yes, yes it does. But not always. Daisy, our pregnant goat, headbutts him the most. But she doesn't usually seek him out. She usually headbutts him if he's in her business, inbetween her and her food (that girls loves to eat), or between her and a human. Sammy sometimes seeks Duke out just to headbutt him. But I digress... Getting Duke out of the chicken coop also lets the chic
kens and ducks out. I checked the egg boxes. 0 chicken eggs so far today, but three duck eggs! This brought me joy! We have 3 duck hens and have only ever gotten 2 ducks eggs at a time from them since we've gotten down to only 3 ducks. This means Apollo, our five year old duck hen, is laying too! She must be happy that it is Spring also. Apollo is the OG. We got her and Tofu (a Jumbo Pekin) in 2020 during the Covid shutdown. Tofu met an untimely demise with a raccoon. Apollo is the only fowl we have left from then. She has a forever home even if she never lays another egg in her lifetime. Finding 3 eggs today brought me joy. All three of my duck hens are laying. Yay! I recently found some boxes upstairs of stuff I never unpacked when we moved her over 4 years ago. I found a coffee cup from a bestie. I thought of her today as I drank my coffee and that brought me joy.

Thank you Lord for these "little" joys. I've been in a bad way, on a dark path. And the despair has screamed loud and the joy was silent. I'm so grateful it is back.

Happy Birthday Mom

 Today my Mom turned.... well, I guess I am not supposed to say. It is more than 80 years she's been on this earth. When I was 15, I ran away on my mother's birthday. Not necessarily because it was her birthday, I would say my mind was too full of me, myself, and I to think about the impact of running away on her birthday. I just didn't thnk it through. However, Mom and I had a rocky relationshiup. On some level, it was probably a special little "F you" for her birthday for her. I don't have a whole lot to say about the actual act and days surrounding it. What I will say is that reflecting on this, and looking at it in hindsight is terribly terribly painful. It has hurt for a lot of years. And sometimes I feel like I've forgiven myself, but it never "sticks." The agonizing disappointment in myself and my disgust at how I hurt someone I love always returns. I know that my God forgives me. And I know that my Mom has forgiven me. I have asked and she has answered. But I have terrible remorse and agony over this memory today. Thankfully, I don't remember this all the time. For instance, I was able to celebrate for most of the day today. This memory just came crashing through after I got home from visiting my Mom. 

Today, I am able to say that I am grateful for my Mom and every minute we are able to spend together. I know I won't always have it. 

My daughter was able to go with me today and surprise my mom. I made us lunch (enchiladas), and bought some angel food cake and ice cream and frozen strawberries for all of us to share. I made her a card this morning and we gave her that. It was a happy time and memories were made. 

We were also able to remember my Dad today and tell a few stories about Dad and remember his life and the joy he brought to us.

Happy Birthday Mom. I thank God for his forgiveness and I pray one day I'll know that freedom that forgiveness brings. I pray that today, you know how I love you and you can see love, not just the sorrow of the past. 

I see a mistake now! Eek! I already 
gave it to her! I also didn't take a great 
photo. At the top where you cannot see, 
it says "Happy Birthday"

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Some aniversary dates are not the joyous kind....

Dear Dad,

It's been five years since you left us. It still think of you every day. Not every memory tears me up inside anymore, sometimes I can find the joy. I remember your zeal for life, your love for people, and your devotion to Jesus. 

I miss fishing with you. Hunting with you. Riding in the truck with you. I miss family get togethers out at the pond. 

Dad, I miss your wisdom, your creativity and your warmth. You were always the life of the party. But you also gave me great one on one time. Whether we went out to eat on a Daddy/Daughter date, or spent the day purchasing supplies for a patio we never finished. 

I miss your smile. I miss hearing you say, "Well, hello Carrie Lynner-skinner!" 

Every day I remember something that makes me smile. Some days I remember things that make me sad, or make me miss you in a really big way. Those are days I still cry.

Dad, life here is not the same without you. You left a very big hole. Remember that hole you always talked about that only I could fill in your heart? Turns out the space in my heart that only you can fill is rather large. 

I miss you Dad. 

Love,

Care 

Long days

 Today was a classic example of a long day. Not only did I not get to bed early last night after a long weekend away, but I substituted all day today. For a class that is considered to be “difficult.” They are not bad kids. They are loud though. And a little ornery. But me, I’m out of practice. And let’s face it, I’m just plain out of shape. And the DJ on the radio kept pointing out that today is the day we are most likely to get into an auto accident, the day following the Spring time change. It’s just exhausting. The time change is hard for me going either way. But this Spring change can be brutal. To add insult to injury, the class I was subbing in was going on a field trip today! Yikes! It was long. And difficult. You know, I did not have a relationship established with this class. And that is the key to good behaviors. Relationship. This is somehow more profound than just about subbing, or just about kids. The key to fluidity and flexibility is relationship. Enough said. Amen. 

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A renewing of my soul...

This weekend I went to a Recovery Sleepover called Sleepless in Recovery. I have never had the energy to be Sleepless. But no matter what, a person just sleeps less. Friday night I had intentions to go to bed early- early-ish.Which translated into 11L30-midnight. Last night I had no idea how time slipped away from me, but then I realized... it was that darn time change. I stayed up late. Really late for me. I didn't start getting ready for bed until 1:30. As I'm winding down, scrolling on social media, I look at the time and somehow it's already 3:05! Now that I am remembering the time changed at 2 a.m., I realize how I lost an hour so quickly. 

I am in a time of my life when my main "job" is helping others at my house. And I've been the main driver attempitng to meet 3 people's schedules. I feel like I'm always on the go. And then there's the fact that there are three of us, all female by biology. So there is no shortage of estrogen flowing here. 

We all struggle with mental illness to varying degrees. My girls are beautiful souls. There is no doubt about that. But we are all striving. I say this because it's important to know, this momma's heart was exhausted and fatigued. 

So I got away this weekend for time with other women, in recovery, who care for each other, care about each other, love each other, and have deep and meaningful friendships. I've known this these women for 15+ years. Obviously, I have not known all of them that long. Some women there were brand new in recovery. But that is not where I was going. I have known these women for a long time. But I've always been an outsider. Hanging around the outskirts. 

But this time, I just felt at ease. I don't know if it was because I was desperate for renewal and rejuvenation, or just what. But I jumped in with both feet. I stayed. I hugged. I laughed. I crafted and created. I was open. I was honest. I gave my friends the benefit of the doubt. I believed the best. 

I came home today feeling an exhaustion that was full of refreshing and renewal. My soul was renewed and my mind was refreshed. I'm feeling hopeful and happy tonight. 

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Sarcasm Cuts

 Yesterday, I painstakingly wrote out a 2 page, front and back, note about all the chores I do so my children would know what to do in my absence. I addressed how much feed to give, which feed for which chickens and chicks, how I care for and prepare the puppy for bedtime, how I care for goats. And so on. This probably took an hour of my time. But I wanted to be thorough so they would not need to message me in the middle of chores. You know, when you have to wait on a response to even finish what you are doing. 

I got a message. and then another. and then another. There IS an outside chance that clarification was needed on top of what I wrote. But one of my children showed absolutely no interest in reading the note from the get-go. This is the same child that messaged. I felt something about htis. Annoyed? Disgruntled and discontent? Something. My pitch: I wrote the note from a place of love. From a place of the more they know the more they would be empowered to do it themselves. I don't care if they don't chore the same way I do. But from the amount of questions I was receiving earlier in the week, I wanted to prepare them adequately. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

I sent them a reminder message to read the note. and one kiddo sent back a thembs up. I replied, "I can tell y'all did not read before ya chored!!" Which set off a chain reaction. "Tf you mean by that?" "Nothin'" followed by a long response from one kid who was seriously upset by my smart remark. Hence my point... sarcasm cuts. I don't really know any other way to communicate. And that probably sounds flip and a little trite. But I am extremely fluent in sarcasm. And while I meant my remark "...y'all did not read before you chored..." because it seemed apparent, I was also gone from them, enjoying woman time, with other women, feeling frolicky (maybe not the right term), feeling free, light, a little bit giddy. I was not feeling a need to micromanage or judge. I just carelessly sent a response full of sarcasm. And for my children who both felt the need to let me have time away and stepped up to help, it cut them. One of them deeply. 

*big sigh* and a pause. In the middle of my giddy-ness. I pause to cry. Our conflict at home lately has been frequent, wearing and large. No small thing. In the blink of an eye, there it was, with me. Confronting me. Convicting me. Pursuing me. 

I so want to say all this yuckiness at home has nothing to do with me, but that isn't true. In part, it has everything to do with me. I taught my girls their coping skills, their processing skills and in the midst of our trauma I am more and more aware that those skills are sorely lacking in me. So how could I teach my children healthy skills? So there is that. But this is now, not then and they are adults and responsible for their own healing. So I am not solely responsible. But today's responsibility is this: when you know better, do better. And I have an obligation today to encourage healing, growth, relationship and communication. I am going to have to learn more ways of communicating than sarcasm. I am not so fluent in any other style of communication, any other language. Sarcasm has always been my way. The only way. In sorrow. In laughter. In addiction. In recovery. In everything. 

There is still so much to learn. Today I thank God I have time to learn and that these relationships can heal. That is my hope. My desire. My goal. Dear Lord, make this my prayer today. And teach me how to live. and how to love. 

March is the Two Writing Teachers Slice of Life Challenge to blog everyday for the month of March. The month snuck up on me and I missed days one and two. But I brought my computer along to women's sleepover (no men, no kids, no pets) to sneak away and blog. This is today's slice. To read more slices, follow the link or click on the orange.