Monday, March 13, 2023

Once Upon A Time there was a Mom and a Punkin....

 As a parent, there are things that are hard to explain to the outside world. But when the Punky was about eight years old, she became very aware that I was the only person she had. That if something would happen to me, she couldn't just go to live with her dad. Her dad wasn't in her life. She didn't know him. And she shouldn't go to live with grandparents. I had asked my friends to be godparents should something ever happen. But never went to court to make it official. Whatever the reason, the reality set in on her and she became extremely aware of how she needed me and that she had no one else. This fed into a huge fear, a fear of abandonment. And impending doom, the feeling that she was going to be abandoned. 

This didn't always present itself in a rational way. Well, it seldom or never did. Fears like this present in unlovely ways. It led to a lot of haggling, fighting, confrontational disagreements. These situations built to levels that were volatile. As a person with plenty of pent of anger and rage myself, and not wanting to unleash these on my children, and this child in particular, I sometimes felt the need to distance myself, to get out of the middle of situations that were teetering on uncontrollable, volatile outbursts. 

Leaving was not successful for me in that The Punkin would follow me to the car, pulling on my body and begging me not to leave her. Telling her, "Punk, I'm going to hit you or hurt you, I HAVE to leave...." did not calm her or help her understand. As time passed and more resources were poured into us, parent advocates would coach me to be sure to tell her, "I am not abandoning you and I WILL be back." At times, this was helpful. 

Calling a time out where we separated in the same vicinity did not work either. The fear and abandonment issues just continued to boil over in my child. She would "break into" my room or wherever my time out area was. I put a locking door on my bedroom in an effort to have a safe place to retreat to when conflicts became explosive. But the Punkin Seed would bang on the door, screaming and crying, and carrying on about how she needed me and to please just open the door. 

This is a scary and sad part of my daughter's childhood. This is a failure and all-consuming heartbreak in my life. The fears and confrontations continued throughout middle school and high school years. The sense of being needed and being overwhelmed and a sense of no relief in sight trailed on for years. As a parent, I became less and less capable to care for my precious girl. But every conflict piled onto previous conflicts and craziness of our life and instantly shot up to the level of hopeless. 

At this time I was still teaching and learning more and more all the time about students who live with trauma and how many kids live with an emotional baseline that is fearfully close to fight and flight levels. These children can go from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds on the crisis scale. And I know that this student is my kid. As time passed, "these children" were also me. I was continually just seconds aware from not being able to control my emotions. 

This bled into my professional life and tore me down. It led to constant and continual exhaustion. Exhaustion that was physical, psychological, emotional and mental. 

As a parent, all I can do is pray my kids know I love them; grow to be happy, functional adults; and be there to help them grow. to teach them how to be the best humans they could be. This is what I imagine every parent feels and hopes for their kids. 

The haunting comes when I know that for all my hopes for my kiddo, I am at the heart of the implosion and the explosions. That I was incapable to being the loving, calm, well-adjusted parent I desired to be. That I was part of the problem. It wasn't a situation I knew how to extract myself from. It was overwhelmingly hopeless for me.

This is where I end for today. I have spit out my heart, the story, or at least an outline of a story, in an effort to continue with being transparent and being willing to expose my shortcomings in order to heal and become the person I know that I am.... a good mother, a good teacher, a good friend, a contributing member of society. 

More will be revealed.... 

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