Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Try. try again. Or is it.... try. fail. try again. repeat. ???

The answer is yes on so many levels.

I thought this today because there's sort of a never-give-up vibe behind it. And the last couple days I wouldn't have told you that I had given up, and yet... the list of things I did not follow through with is long-ish. I didn't water the garden for two days. In Kansas. In July. And it wasn't raining. Thankfully almost all of it came through without getting burned! I didn't do ANY homework. Summertime, yay. Two classes simultaneously.... seriously?! When do I get to, you know, summer? It's kind of the opposite of adulting. I didn't journal my food. Nor did I practice restraint. I did not keep my water intake high. And last but certainly not least, I did not blog. Boo. I was on a streak too. Six days in a row. *sigh*

So the momentum is building to just let the pendulum swing and stay on this crazy avoidance ride. Because once it starts to swing, it is not that easy to stop. In fact, talking myself into.... blogging, garden-tending (at least the basics), healthy eating, drinking water, and adulting (ugh, responsibility~ parenting, providing, cleaning, homework)... is hard. Real hard. Damn hard. blah.

I was hit hard this morning with the realization that much, most, or possibly even all of this behavior could easily be coming from forgetting to take meds on a regular basis. So get started Care! Take those meds! Water that garden! Etcetera.

Yeah, well, I may or I may not. Because depression, somewhat like alcoholism, tells me lies. Alcoholism tells me I'm not really sick and that I can drink AND I can stop drinking any. time. I. want. Depression doesn't tell me that I am not really sick, but it tells me a laundry list of other lies. Like that being proactive about taking meds FAITHFULLY will not actually help. It tells me no one cares, so why bother. It tells me that if I wasn't lazy, slothful, awkward, (I can keep going, but you get the picture), then I would just do those things that "normal" productive people do.

So today I feel like I have failed. Fallen off the wagon. The healthy lifestyle wagon. The responsible adult wagon. The proactive, functional, find your inner peace through gardening wagon.

Today I will start again. Again.

I will drink more water. I will stop beating myself up. I will start doing the homework. I will climb back up on that wagon. Again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I Can't Even....

That is what my brain says this morning. It is everywhere. And nowhere. Probably because I stayed up waaaaaayyyyyyy past my bedtime. Like 3 a.m. So the ADHD symptoms are strong this morning. Blog. But no, first facebook. No, blog. But first, process this deep thought. Oh. I could blog about it! But first tie-dye. Research it. Next.... stop. It's time to blog. But I am thinking about.... wait. What was I thinking about? Maybe gardening. Let's garden this morning! No. First blog, then walk. Then everything else. *sigh* Where are the dogs. Maybe I'll walk my dog. After I blog? Or before. That is the question. Only one. of many. I can't even. I can't even sort out my thoughts. I can't even slow down my obsessions. I can't even focus. I can't even. And it's summer. Do I have to? Argh! Today I am only going to commit to adulting in regard to necessities. Like getting us to appointments. Because staying up until 3 am finishing up birthday cards makes adulting darn near impossible. I just really can't even....

This is what kept me up. Moving from one obsessive artsy behavior to another. But, you know, tie dye. It will be back. Gotta get this posted so I can go rinse....

Big Time Blogging Challenge 2017 is underway! #btbc17

Transformation? It's a process, not an event

Today I am celebrating my 2 weeks of eating better, walking more, and drinking lots of water! And do I dare say..... almost (almost) no coke. Only a half of a 20 oz. bottle one time.

Today there are no picrues of the journey per se. Because although I'm PUMPED about the losses and they are significant to me, they will not show in a photo. And because my starting measurements are not for sharing. Just the progress.

Enough of the nots. Drumroll please.....

In two weeks time I have.....

• Lost 5 pounds! 
• lost an inch in my chest!
• lost about 4 1/2 or 5 inches in my waist

Today is another busy day in the summertime life of a teacher renewing her spirit after a grueling year and after losing touch with so many of my friends. I will drive to a neighboring town and connect with a life-long friend and we'll talk, laugh, hug and catch up. We will celebrate each other and the chances we've taken and the changes we've made. I will probably eat more fat than I *should* but then again, life is for the living. I will still consume LOTS of water, concentrate on movement, and on developing patterns of exercise in my life. And plan a healthier supper.

I might celebrate my victory by using up the rest of the dye I have mixed up already. I mean, I need those squirt bottles empty for my upcoming class. Right? heh heh....

Big Time Blogging Challenge '17 is underway! So far, so good! Five days of blogging in the books! Check it out at Big Time Literacy! #btbc17

Born on the 4th of July

Blogging every day in the month of July. I can do this! Whatever I focus on, increases. So today I will focus on the good. Go to Big Time Literacy to read everyone's #btbc17 (Big Time Blogging Challenge '17) posts.

Today I am not striving for Healthy eating or 10,000 steps. Just striving to be happy, joyous and free. Enjoying friends and family and my family of friends.

Adventure numero uno today: Breakfast in the hometown with the folks. I have great memories of many birthday breakfasts with my parents. Today was no different.

Many more adventures are planned today. I plan to keep loving myself. This has not always been the consensus, but today I am worth it.

The Power of my Mind

Today I am having a hard time finding the "right" thing to write about. Kids? Naw. Gardens? Naw. Tie-Dye? What is there to say? Health? *sigh* no. Dogs? Does anyone really want to know about my crazy dog life? LulaRoe? I'm not a dealer (idk what their title is, but their product is highly addictive, so I'll go with dealer), but I do love their stuff. Master of education classes? Naw. I don't even want to know about that. Okay, well, actually, there's some super interesting stuff in these Leadership Coaching Classes. Ha. I think I found something. The power of positive intent.

I am working on learning the language. Because maybe it will help me cross the chasm to Teenage-land so my child can HEAR me when I speak and not just hear "blah, blah, blah.... judgment. Blah, blah, blah, yelling." Because have a teen is exhausting. And I am super tired of being told that I am yelling when I am speaking in even tones and not raising my voice.

There's an entire way to train your brain to think, speak, act differently.... and positive intent is one of the precepts of coaching. Sometimes it still comes out sounding sarcastic. I'm working on it. But my favorite thing I've read so far says that I can create new neuropathways in my brain simply by not using the tried and true ones. That even though they run deep, by consciously choosing new ways of framing thoughts, words, reactions, actions. I can create new pathways. And if you use it, you don't lose it. So the more I use it, the more my brain will automatically go to those pathways. Going through the painful process of thinking through every word every time will eventually lead to automaticity.

Not only does this help my relationships, but it helps me! Because who wants to be a Negative Nelly all the time? If you look up Negative Nelly on Wikepedia, you will see my picture. So that is what comes natural to me after a lifetime of practicing negativity. And thinking that I know what other people are thinking. And its always negative. So... if I banish this, and assume that other people are positive with positive intent, well....

So in spite of the fact that Masters Classes interfere with my lazy summer fantasies, I am learning some really good stuff! Things that will change my life! You know why? Because you attract what you project! That is the reason I am pursuing today. Whatever I project, I attract. And whatever I look for, I find.

Six on Sunday

Day two of the #btbc17. Go to Big Time Literacy to read more!

One goal I have for blogging this summer is to keep it short and sweet. So today I have decided to post six things I am grateful for, and I am calling it 6 on Sunday.

1. I am grateful that sometimes God sees fit to restore broken relationships. I break things. Sometimes those "things" are relationships. And by trying so hard to control them, I sometimes behave in ways that I shouldn't. But today I have hope.

My oldest daughter and I

I am grateful for social media (i.e. facebook). I have connected with old friends and made new and become FRIENDS with people I never would have thought I would connect with. And blogging. I have made some awesome friends through blogs.

Meeting my blogging buddy and knowing that we are now irl friends! Priceless.

I am grateful for aging. Because as my body ages (not so fun), so does my mind and my heart. I like the person I am today so much more than any other time in life before this. I am someone I love today.

I am grateful that I can learn. I am going back to school to get another degree. And it challenges my mind. Which I can only believe strengthens me as a person.

This is how I feel most of the time. Buried under a mountain of books and homework.

I am grateful for July, the month of the birthdays. I love celebrating birthdays.

Truth. All these ladies have July birthdays.

I am grateful for tie-dye. Seriously. It is my happy place. I don't know why and I don't have any need to know why. 😏

When your daughter is your soulmate.....

When your daughter is your best friend.... you have a lot of laughter in your house. You are more like soulmates, than mother/daughter. You finish each others sentences. You randomly break out into song at the same time to the same 80's music.

Christmas time. Right after she moved back home.

My youngest is turning 13 this month. Wow, what a struggle. I try to remember how much I love her and how much anguish I was in from about 11 until about my mid-thirties, when I stopped being a teen. Okay, it was not all the same anguish. Maybe about age 17? When I stopped lashing out quite as heavily at my parents. But we are in the throes of this and it may be a llllooooooonnnnnggggggg few years. I savor the moments that we cross the chasm and connect. And I drink in the compliments from family friends who tell me how sweet she is. How thoughtful. How mature. And I wait for the day that I reap the benefits of parenting her.

I remember vaguely when my soulmate/bff/sunshiny daughter was in this stage of life. It waxed and waned. But really, the struggle lasted on some level until this last year, after she had struck out on her own, getting out from my terrible tyranny. Then life hit her. A 19 year old uneducated girl with no money and no insurance and no skills. Add in some debilitating emotional issues. And she persevered. Pushed through. Learned about adulting without me holding her hand. (What?! How is that possible?)  She began to value herself. To see the validity in her mother's pushing.... push through the depression, get a job, clean your living environment (aka your room). She began to accept that our brains are synced. It is probably not a healthy thing, but it is oh-so-true.

Yes, we really did get matching tattoos.

Today, my daughter is nearing her 21st birthday. I am so grateful that she is in my life. I am so glad that I haven't lost her to the dark side. That she is okay with our crazy life and home. Here's to my hippie-chickie daughter and her bizarre sense of humor and love of 80's rock and all things tie-dye. I would call her my mini-me, but she's about 2 inches taller than I am!

The photographer captured us when we were getting family photos!

BTL blogging challenge 2017 is underway!! To read more blogs, head over to Michelle's Big Time Literacy blog! #btbc17