A bitter pill to swallow

I have been overwhelmed with a million thoughts of late and most predominately I have been thinking that I don't want to talk about it. I know that our secrets keep us sick. But I also think that focusing of what has gone wrong or is going wrong can keep us trapped and I have noticed that it keeps me exhausted. All the emotional turmoil takes a toll on my physical stamina.  Combine that with menopause and it's a recipe for an exhausted, hormonal, crazy lady.

I am trying to distance myself from some of the crazy. Totally not working. Distance is so tricky because it isn't a definitive break. And I am completely frustrated with how it is playing out. Apparently I should not deprive my kids from their sick and twisted, religious-fanatical grandparents. So in trying to keep this option open, I open myself up for endless text messages and the premise that we might one day be friends again. I don't want to be friends. Truthfully, I don't know if I never want to be friends again, but today, I don't want to be friends. I don't want to talk about tensions in my life, real or imagined. So don't inquire. Especially don't inquire just so you can set me up with vague innuendo so later you can cut me down with your sarcasm and bitterness.

Am I bitter? You betcha. I have a few things stored up that I'd like to let rip, but I am trying so hard to focus on the current transgression, the straw moment, and not all the millions of moments leading up to it. But angry, bitter me, she'd like to throw out some zingers herself.

Guess what I heard recently? It is not only not uncommon for grown children to need help from their parents in the financial realm, but it is acceptable and sort of normal. What? I always thought it was just a hook to keep me on the line for in the future. But the truth is, it's time I learned to do without instead of pay the price. And it might be hard for me. But it will alleviate so much guilt and misery! So that is the goal. Do without or do it myself. And I believe I'll be happy with the result. Who knows? I am going to do my darnedest to find out.

I felt backed into a corner and I sent a letter about distance and even describing what that would look like. And then I took my Dad a little something for Father's Day. I also let my mother set up time with my daughter. And now I'm in the midst of constant communication again. And then there was the misguided notion of friendship, which I tried to quash gently, but was received hatefully. But I didn't receive a barrage of hate in return, just one nasty(ish) text. So I guess it is progress. *sigh* I'm really tired. of. all. of. this. I haven't been able to convince myself that I want to cut the cord yet. Yet. I'm closer to this with every hateful message I receive.