Poor me syndrome

I am in the midst of an annual "thing." Do you have anniversaries that are particularly hard for you? Mine is my birthday. I hate it. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts around my birthday and I generally have an underlying feeling of remorse for entering this world. That is the thing that happens every year. I can't stop it. My birthday comes and this inner fog, depression and overwhelming sadness invade me. I can pretend it's not there, which ends up making the feeling grow.  I can nurse it, and feel sorry for me and cover myself in self-loathing that is probably present most of the time anyway. Or I can face it. I realized yesterday that I have been getting pulled down into this mire and dwelling on birthday stuff. I don't really think about how much I hate my birthday, but it is just THERE. All the time. Since we have two other birthdays near to mine, I can't just ignore birthday time all together, because we will get together and celebrate all three birthdays.  God probably did this on purpose, knowing how much I actually hate my own birthday. So I've been trying to figure out how I will "celebrate" this year and yesterday I just crawled into the pity pot and pulled the lid down and had a good cry and rant and a stinky, nasty party. Which brings me to a resentment that I have about a certain someone who's turning 18 and has everything figured out and knows pretty much everything and yet, takes zero responsibility for anything. I hope it is just a teenage angst thing. Because I feel heartbroken, angry, betrayed, and bitter. I feel resentful that she can sit on a high and mighty horse and stare down at me and wait for me to deliver the kind of birthday party she thinks she should get.  My biggest resentment is that I have no money. I can't make her dreams come true in the least. But I also resent the fact that she can't seem to grasp that. She will have a job. She could contribute. But that doesn't seem to be in her plans. Actually I think she plans to walk away from everything and everyone that love her because she doesn't like the way we behave or think. I have talked until I am blue in the face about whether or not she wants to do that in regard to her grandparents. But she is determined. And so....

When my kids disappoint me, I take it really personal. Instead of thinking that they made bad decisions all on their own, I think that it is because I am a lousy parent. So I see this child doing things I don't approve of and living in an attitude that is repulsive to me, and I feel like a failure. I have failed to help her see that life isn't always perfect and imperfect parents aren't the enemy, they are just imperfect. It isn't because I have been so darn near perfect. I haven't been that at all! I thought I had become better at not throwing the baby out with the bath water, the all or nothing scenario. But maybe not. Because it seems that is the example I've shown. And I struggle with my own demons in this regard. I constantly battle the lack of ability to have a good relationship with my own parents and my desire to just stop trying. I don't think it should be this hard. And I think that if I walk away, I'll have more peace, the one thing I genuinely desire in life, and yet....