Choosing Sides

What I should or shouldn't do.... what I did wrong, what I did right.... the committee is very busy in my head. Whispering to me all my shortcomings. Sometimes shouting. But berating me over and over at whatever volume it chooses. My best friend says that I am the most self-doubting person she knows. Hmmmph. It's true. I do not trust myself to make good decisions. I have been well-trained for many, many years to doubt myself because I question the decisions of people I love and they don't really tolerate being questioned. Which translates into me being wrong. In reality, probably not-so-much. But in my family, that is the way it plays out and often. So often.

The recent debacle was that my parents (bless their hearts) caused a big disturbance during my daughter's graduation party and made things tense and divided. Surprised? Kind of. Was it new behavior? No. (so should I have been surprised? no). I feel like I have hit my limit. But first let me say that at this point, this is only a lose/lose situation. I can continue to let this go on, and I can feel a little smaller and continue to doubt my ability to make sound decisions. I can draw a boundary which will be violated repeatedly (and that is not being dramatic, I am simply drawing on the knowledge I've gained from past experience), and I can draw a strong boundary, and "choose sides" which is where this conflict has been going for a while now. I chose sides. Because the side of sanity is definitely the side I want to be on. And because I don't believe that being "right" equals being happy. I am tired of listening to the pleas of my folks about how they are right. For one thing, experience tells me that this is mostly likely not true and then there is the little tidbit of..... I don't really care. Harsh, huh? I don't really care who is right or why. I just want to crazy, hateful behavior to stop. and it never will. So I choose the other "side." I hate it. And I have tried not to choose for over two years. But I have also been angry and indignant. I am less angry now, and more brokenhearted. I am tired of family secrets. I am tired of the past taking a bite out of my present and dimming my sight so that I feel no hope for the future. I am tired. You can just end that sentence right there.

So I've chosen. And I am doubtful about whether or not it is the right choice. I may never know the "right" choice. But I today it is enough that I didn't make my decision out of hate or malice. I simply made the choice that will allow me the most freedom to grow and change. It will still feel like a losing choice and I will be lonely and sad. But it leaves me with hope. And I am desperately in need of some hope.