But it also sparked my curiosity. I mean.... am I? Not hateful? The honest truth is that I have to process things first. The stages that I seem to go through as I process are: submissive; submissive-resentful; resentful-rebellious; Fuckyoualltohell; honest assessment; self-reflection; some amount of shame and repentance; one small grateful thought; choosing to see gratitude in a situation; much gratitude for things that once pained me.
Two thoughts about the submissiveness phase: self-doubt makes me think your assassination of my character is true; and my first approach to situations tends to be-- be willing to learn, do things someone elses way, look for ways to acquiesce.
As time wears on, my spirit wears down. And from the ground looking up I can see the good I've done, I can see that the burden is not entirely mine. I'm still submissive and trying to live up to the expectation or situation, but I am starting to hate what I'm doing. I feel trapped. I feel fraudulent, I feel manipulated. So I am still trying to be or do whatever is put onto me, but the smoke is starting to roll out of my ears.
What generally happens next is a "What happens in *wherever*, stays in *wherever*." (That is a fill in the blank: the classroom, the school building, my home, my car, the company of friends....). At this point I am still saying yes, even though I mean no. Even though I am gritting my teeth at each new ridiculous requirement placed before me, and occasionally even baring my teeth and letting out a growl of protest. This is not really conducive to relationship building or gaining respect of those in positions of authority. And there is generally push back.
What happens when there is push back? I fly the big FU bird. Sometimes double-handed. Yep. The Fuckitalltohell stage. I will do what I want, when I want, how I want. This is the bridge-burning phase. When this phase ends, there is plenty to learn through reflection and self-assessment. Because I have most likely burned the situation, relationship, friendship, JOB, committee, responsibility, (whatever), to the ground.
Now I have room and time to reflect. Honestly. To look at my part. To look at what it was that caused the burr in my saddle. Why did I go to the bridge-burning stage? What happened? And what was my part.
The "oh yuck" and puke-sick part of this is owning my part. I honestly hate this part so much. I'd much rather just point the finger and remain indignant. The self-reflection part sucks donkeys. blech. But if I want to continue to grow, I have to do it. I have to eat humble pie (think 2-slice Hilly), and be willing to make the changes in my life, behavior, attitudes. I have to be willing to say, "I am sorry that...." and then not just turn it into "I'm sorry that... you're such an asshole that I blew my top."
It's at this humble stage where I get the privilege of growing. This growth is otherwise known as eating humble (shit) pie. It is here that one tiny seed of gratitude comes in. And I can find a reason to be grateful for the situation or at the least, for one tiny part, action, scenario within the situation. At this time, even though I am now enlightened to my part, I am generally still indignant. I'm like.... "I think you (not always a person, but for convenience sake...) are a stupid, selfish ass-wipe of an individual, but I'm so grateful that *this* happened to me because now I can see that (again, filling the blank)."
At some future point I am able to look back and see that if this *horrible thing* had never happened, these many brilliant and joyful things would never have happened, and I am flooded with gratitude. Over-whelming, joyful tears kind of gratitude. And at this point in time, is where I reach the "not hateful" part. So... depending on how humble I actually got, you may or may not see me as grateful, not hateful. But I always get there. It just takes a few sullen, angry and humble processes first.
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